


Strong in the Broken Places

by phdmama



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Famous Harry, M/M, Non-Famous Louis, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rimming, Unresolved Romantic Tension, it gets resolved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-07-19 01:50:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 46,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7339660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phdmama/pseuds/phdmama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A chance encounter leads Louis to a new job opportunity, and new relationships that will change his entire life. </p><p>PLEASE NOTE: There is discussion of PTSD and frank discussion of past rape and abuse (sexual and physical). PLEASE be careful and do not read if you think it will trigger you! Stay safe, lovelies.</p><p>All the standard disclaimers apply: I own none of these characters, please please keep this private here. All the mistakes are mine. :)</p><p>P.S. Comments really and truly make my day, if you feel so inspired to leave one!!  xox You can find me on Tumblr at phd-mama.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 2

 

  _June 2017_

Louis slides into his seat in first class, shoves his battered bag under the seat in front of him, and buckles his seat belt. He finally lets himself slump back as his head sinks onto the headrest, and he closes his eyes. The reality is hitting him. He is going home. _He let me go._ After 10 of the most exciting, exhausting, amazing months on the road, he is heading back home. To what, he is not really sure. Amy and Kendra’s wedding is in 5 weeks, but other than that, he really doesn’t know. He’s gotten a few different offers, some from other bands wanting to work with him, and a tempting one from Alexander Management to continue on as a consultant. _I just need some time to breathe,_ he thinks to himself as he lets his mind drift back. _I can’t believe, it wasn’t even a year ago…_

 

_August 2016_

Louis closed his eyes behind the amber lenses of his cheapie Target sunglasses, and tilted his face up to the sky, letting the sun shine through his closed eyelids. After several days of rain, the warmth and light felt heavenly on his skin. It was one of those amazing (and rare) late summer days in New England - blue skies and low humidity, and the sidewalk passing the patio in front of the cafe was filled with people appreciating the gorgeous weather on a Friday afternoon. 

“Louis!” He heard from in front of him, and tipped his head down, opened his eyes, and grinned at the tall, slender, red-headed woman standing there. He jumped up and wrapped his arms around her, laughing with delight.

“Kate!It is SO good to see you!This is ridiculous, it’s been far too long!Why haven’t I seen you in, like, forever?!” 

Kate grinned back at him, and gave him an enthusiastic kiss. Louis laughed a bit, remembering that Kate always did enjoy a smooch. She was one of the few people he’d ever felt 100% comfortable with, on all levels. They’d been friends since the day they’d met as freshmen at Harvard. You would think most 18 year olds wouldn't be that interested in taking a 16 year old under their wing, but not Kate. She was oddly delighted (she’d never fully explained why) when they’d met at orientation and had realized that they were living on the same floor, and they’d been fast friends ever since. After graduation 10 years ago, she’d gone to Yale to pursue her JD, while Louis had gotten his Ph.D. in psychology at Boston University. She’d been in DC, first as a judicial clerk, and then as an up-and-coming hotshot lawyer. She’d recently moved back to the area to join a corporate law practice run by someone Louis happened to know, and this was the first time they’d had a chance to connect since she’d come back. She was one of the few people in the world that knew Louis’s whole story.

Kate continued to grin at Louis, and gave him another squeeze, before letting him go to sit down across the table. Louis noticed a guy in a suit sitting alone at the table next to them giving them a thorough once-over, but don’t think much of it. Kate was a gorgeous tall, slender red head. While Louis wasn’t particularly vain, he knew he was an attractive man, on the smaller side with a definite curve to his toned body. Caramel colored hair and blue eyes had also garnered their fair share of praise over the years. All that to say, Louis could acknowledge that they were both fairly striking individuals, and together they garnered their fair share of attention. Kate almost reveled in it, while too much focus on Louis made him nervous. He had learned early what can happen when you attract too much attention, or the wrong attention, because of your looks. 

The pair sat down, and when the waiter approached, they both ordered salads. Louis added “can you put steak tips on mine? I’m starving, I need the protein!”Since Kate had to get back to the office, she ordered a soda, but Louis threw caution to the winds and asked for a glass of wine. When the drinks came, they toasted each other with a smile.

“So,” Kate said, grinning at Louis over the top of her glass, “Fill me in on everything!Your parents? The house? How’s Amy? And what’s-his-name, that guy you were seeing? I want to know everything!!And,” her expression softened a bit, “How you’re *really* doing.”

“Okay, okay!” Louis said, laughing and shaking his head a bit. “Let’s see. My folks are great, they’re having a blast in London." His parents had relocated to London for 2 years from their Cambridge home, for his mom to teach at a prestigious music school over there. He missed them dearly, as he’d gotten very used to being able to just drop by for family time whenever he needed it, but it was a fantastic opportunity for them, and he was thrilled that they had finally felt free to pursue their own dreams. It was a measure of how far they’d come, that his parents felt they could actually move to another continent.

“The house is great - the apartment is so pretty, I just love the neighborhood, and having Amy as a housemate works so well!”Louis had inherited from his grandparents a 2-family home situated just outside of Davis Square in Somerville, and currently lived there with his friend Amy, an airline pilot, and rented out the upstairs apartment to a young couple, both of whom had some sort of jobs in the thriving high tech world in Cambridge, and loved living close to the T. “Amy’s great!She and Kendra are so, so lovely together!Kenny’s going to move in too!”Kate squealed in excitement. “Their schedules are so crazy, it just makes sense to only pay one rent.”

“As for what’s-his-name…” Louis sighed. “Don’t bother learning his name - he was fun for a bit, but…you know.”

Kate nodded, understanding shining from her eyes. “Still a struggle, huh?” 

Louis huffed a sigh and then said, “Yeah. I don’t know Kate, maybe I’m just not someone who’s ever going to be able to have…you know, those kinds of experiences. I mean, I *want* to, if you know what I mean. But I just…” His voice trailed off. “And, I just don’t think I’m built for casual flings.” They both recalled a few of his forays into that world in college, and nodded. “Maybe I’m just not meant to be with anyone.”

Kate sighed. “Louis. Don’t be ridiculous!For one, when have you had much time to really invest in the right person and relationship?!Between grad school, and then your work with the clinic, you’ve been working so hard, and doing such amazing work, but it’s such hard and draining work too. You just haven’t met the guy who’s going to blow your socks off, but I know he’s out there for you!” 

“But I’m almost *30*!”Louis whined, struggling to suppress a smile at his own theatrics.

Kate snorted, “and I met Alex just 2 years ago when I was 29, so don’t talk to me about how it’s all over for you in the dating world!!Louis, I know you don’t like to hear this,” at that Louis rolled his eyes, knowing what was coming, “But you’re really amazing - you’re smart, gorgeous, creative, talented, and such a wonderful, caring friend!” 

“Yeah, and when it comes to intimacy, I’m a mess,” he grumbled. “Besides, Katie-did,” Louis grabbed her hand and dramatically fluttered his eyelashes at her, “it’s all because you won’t throw away your thriving law practice and hunky fiancé and run away to travel the world with me and be my sugar mama!”The waiter set down their salads and laughed. “See?!”Louis grinned at him and winked, and turned back to Kate, who couldn’t quite contain her smirk. “I can’t understand how any red-blooded woman would turn down an offer like that!”

The waiter nodded solemnly, and said, “It does seem like an odd choice." 

“Well,” replied Kate dryly, tugging her hand from Louis’s and picking up her fork, “it does seem weird, but the fact that you’re a 100% gay man and I like my men, you know, straight enough to be interested in my lady business, that might make that arrangement a bit…awkward.”

“Okay, fine.” Louis sighed dramatically, and then grinned, and picked up his fork.

They spent the next hour talking about Kate’s law practice and some issues she’d been having with one of her interns. They talked for a while about the work Louis had been doing since finishing graduate school, providing therapy services for traumatized kids who’d been removed from their homes by DCF. Unfortunately, his clinic had been one of the casualties of the new administration, and had closed about 3 weeks ago. At some point during their animated conversation, Louis noticed that the suit had been joined by another guy, much more casually dressed in skinny jeans and a loose t-shirt, wearing a slouchy beanie hat.

“I tell ya, Katie, having a few weeks off has been amazing. I had a great week in London, and it’s been wonderful just having some down time, but I’m starting to get restless, you know?”

Kate paused in surprise, and then asked, “Have you thought more about what you want to do?”

Louis shook his head a bit. “I don’t know. I loved the work I was doing, I felt like I really did help, but I was pretty burnt out by the last 8 months or so. It was so relentless. The babies just kept coming. It’s hard to stay optimistic in that line of work.”

Louis took a deep breath and then stated something that he’d been thinking for a while, but had been too afraid to actually say out loud. “You know, Katie, I don’t think I want to go back to clinical work. At least not right away. I think I want to do something…I don’t know, completely different." Thanks to his inheritance, he was set for money, but couldn’t picture himself not working at all. He had realized, though, that if he went back to what he had been doing, he was not going to make it.

Kate’s eyes widened, but she simply nodded. “So, if not clinical work, than what? I can’t picture you just living on your investments and not doing anything.”

Louis chewed the last of his steak while he thought. “I don’t know, I would love to travel the world. I’ve spent the last 16 years in Boston and Cambridge, and I’d love to see something else. For work, I really think I want to do something with wellness, you know? I could use my personal training and yoga teaching certifications as well as my clinical experience, but get out of the trauma work. The only issue is that you’d have to see a lot of clients, and I’m not sure I want that. I’d love to work more closely with few people, but who the heck is gonna pay me do that?" He burst out laughing at the idea, and the young man who’d been sitting with his back to Kate, whipped his head around to stare at Louis.

As their eyes met and held, Louis realized that the guy was a bit younger than he’d originally thought, possibly 22 or 23. He was only a few years younger than Louis at most, but his face seemed to hold a innocence that made Louis feel much older. He was also gorgeous, Louis noted absently, as the stranger’s green eyes locked onto his own, with tousled chestnut curls and a dimpled smile designed to make the recipient melt in his or her shoes. They held their gaze for another moment, until the young man’s phone chimed with an incoming text, and he looked away and down at his phone. _Too bad he’s so young,_ Louis thought to himself, _because YOWZA._ He also looked familiar, but Louis couldn’t place him.

“Damn it!” Louis heard the guy (kid, he reminded himself), swear softly. “Shit, Jack, it’s Liam. Zayn is losing it again. I’m gonna run back to the hotel now." He stood up, and leaned down, whispering something to the older guy, who looked over speculatively at Louis, and then nodded. As the young man walked by Louis’s table, he glanced down at Louis and nodded once as their eyes caught again. Louis nodded back, not knowing that that was the moment that changed everything.

 

Kate and Louis finished up their lunches. She had to head back to her office, so she headed out. As Louis had nowhere particular that he had to be, he sipped the last of his wine, and pondered what else he wanted to do with the rest of his day.

“Excuse me?" 

Louis looked up in surprise at the gentleman who had been sitting at the neighboring table. With the super-hot guy. _The way-too-young super hot guy_ , he reminded himself. The man was now standing next to Louis with a slightly embarrassed but oddly hopeful expression. Louis stared back at him in bafflement, wondering what he could possibly want, even contemplating for a second that the man was about to ask him out.

“Um, I know this is totally unorthodox, but I’d like to talk to you about…an opportunity. A job possibility. If you have a moment?”

His curiosity piqued, Louis leaned back, and examined the stranger more closely. “Okay, Mr…”

“Jack”, he said, “Jack Alexander with Alexander Management.

“Well, Mr. Alexander,” Louis said slowly, “my name is Louis Tomlinson, and as it happens, I don’t have anywhere to be for a while, so sure. Sit down. But Alexander Management? That doesn’t sound like anything I would be suited to do.”

“Actually,” Jack said, sitting down in Kate’s recently vacated seat, “I think you might be perfect. 

“Before I say anything else, I have to let you know that what I am telling you *must* be kept confidential, and that my telling you this and your continuing the conversation will actually act as a legally-binding, verbal contract, which you cannot violate without risking legal action.”

Louis stared at him, both intrigued and a bit offended. “First of all, I am a licensed psychologist, Mr. Alexander, so believe me, I understand confidentiality. Second of all, I cannot possibly fathom what you might be about to tell me, which could require this level of secrecy!In any case, I have absolutely no interest in any sort of publicity for myself." Louis could feel himself pale a bit and shuddered briefly, remembering the press of bodies, camera flashing, voices screaming questions at him as he left the court house. He took a deep breath and looked back to Jack Alexander. “Yes, I’ll agree to your privacy terms, though I can’t imagine who you think I’m going to talk about a job offer to!"

“The media, Mr. Tomlinson.”  

“Just call me Louis, please." Louis stared at him, his intrigue only growing stronger. “The press? Huh? Now I’m fascinated. Please, go ahead!”

Jack leaned forward. “Like I said, I work for Alexander Management, and I work very closely with our biggest act. A band, Louis, called One Direction.”

Louis’s eyes widened and he honest-to-god gaped at him. That too-young, super hot guy? Harry Fucking Styles. “I’ve heard of them. They’re really popular aren’t they?" His own musical tastes ran more to indie and classic rock, but he’d heard some of their music, and had always liked what he’d heard. The quartet had lovely voices, and he’d always particularly enjoyed their tight harmonies. “Okay, carry on.”

“They’re just about to kick off their 5th world tour in support of their newest album, but we’re experiencing some…issues with the boys. Issues that it seems like someone with your background might be able to help us. We really weren’t trying eavesdrop, ” his sentence was interrupted by his phone buzzing at him. He glanced at it, and his jaw tightened for a moment, but then he continued. “I don’t know if you follow the popular press, but we’ve been playing some pre-tour gigs around the New England area, smaller places. And we’re opening at Gillette Stadium on the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend." His phone buzzed again. “One of our band members has been experiencing…I guess you’d call it anxiety?" His mouth twisted on the word, and Louis could tell he just didn’t get it. “And it’s been getting worse." His phone buzzed even more insistently and then began to ring. “I’m so sorry.” He picked up the phone, listened to the frantic voice on the other end, and said, “Yup, I got it. Yes, Harry, I’m talking to him now. Okay." He hung up.  

“So,” Louis said, trying to sort out what, exactly, Jack was asking of him, “you’re looking for someone to act as…what, a consultant for you, to help you with resources for anxiety? I can definitely do that. I’ve got lots of contacts around here, there’s some great clinics…” Jack held up his hand.

“No, not a consultant. More….hands on. In fact, apparently Zayn is absolutely freaking out right now. We’ve had him checked out by the docs, it’s nothing physical, they all said it’s panic. Is there any chance you could come now and maybe….I don’t know.” He ran a hand through his silver hair with a frustrated grimace, “talk him down or something?”

Louis stared at him. “Are you serious? Are you actually asking me to just go somewhere with you right now, with no proof of what you’re telling me, and then provide clinical services to someone I’ve never met, someone who hasn’t even asked for my help?” 

“You’re in no danger, Louis,” Jack stated quickly, looking almost offended. 

“Oh no, I can protect myself,” Louis said off-handedly, as he looked at him, “You do know how weird this sounds, right? Anyway, how do I even know your Zayn is having a panic attack?”

Jack snorted at that, and then picked up his phone, and quickly opened FaceTime and made a call, which was immediately answered by TYSH guy. “Jack! What the hell? It’s out of control, I’ve never seen him this bad!Can the guy help us?”

Jack answered a bit dryly, “Well, he seems a bit concerned about the authenticity of it all, so I thought I’d FaceTime you so you can show him. He’s agreed to the gag rule." He handed his phone to Louis, and Harry and Louis made eye contact again. “What’s your name?” Harry asked.

“Louis, Louis Tomlinson.” 

Harry turned the phone around, and Louis saw, sitting huddled on the couch, another devastatingly handsome young man, who was curled up with a look of terror on his face. The fear in his dark eyes pierced Louis’s heart, and he stood up, handed Jack his phone back without a word, grabbed his bag and said “Let’s go.”

Jack stared at him. “But, Harry didn’t even say anything.”

“He doesn’t have to. I don’t care who these boys are, but that kid is terrified, and suffering, and I think I can help him.”

 

They set off at a brisk pace, and Jack indicated a hotel awning half a block away. “We’re just over there at the Copley Plaza. The boys were hoping to do some sight-seeing. It’s gotten…pretty hard for them just to get out and see things.”

“So,” Louis said, as they crossed the square and entered the hotel, “What’s the deal? Is he using? Drinking? Did he sleep last night? How often has this happened? When did it start?”

Jack pushed the button for the elevator and looked a bit dazed by Louis’s rapid-fire barrage of questions. “Uh, I don’t….I’m not…I can find out.”

They got off at the top floor, and headed towards a door guarded by a man in a suit. He said “Hey Jack,” and eyed Louis curiously.

“This is Dr. Louis Tomlinson,” said Jack, “He’s here to help with the boys. He’s cleared for total access.”

Louis stared at him as the guard, for he had to be a guard of some sort, opened the door and ushered them in. There was a knot of people standing in the center of the room (which was gorgeous, by the way, Louis may have had a bit of money, but he sure didn’t stay at places like the Copley Fucking Plaza). They were talking in low, agitated tones, and one man broke away and walked over. “Jack. Thank god you’re back." He eyed Louis, and said suspiciously, “Who’s this?” 

“Alex, this is Louis, he’s a psychologist and I thought he could help Zayn." 

Alex began to argue, and after a couple of minutes of back and forth, Louis said loudly, “EXCUSE ME.”

Both men turned and stared at him. “Look, I know it’s weird, but this kid is suffering. Please let me talk to him. Let me see if I can help. Can’t we work out the details later?”

Alex said, “How do you know he’s not just some fame-seeker? Or that he won’t go straight to Twitter??” He glowered at Louis, using his height and build to try to intimidate him.

Jack opened his mouth, but Louis eyed Alex and interrupted him. He had learned a long time ago to stand up to annoying men who tended to underestimate him based on his size and looks. “I have no idea who you are, Alex, but I have more to lose than you do. I tell anyone about this, either they won’t believe me, or you’ll get more publicity, and isn’t it true in your world, all publicity is good publicity?” Jack and Alex both winced at that as Louis continued. “For me, if I tell anyone, you sue me, I lose my license, have to pay you all a big fine, can’t work, and my malpractice insurance fees go up. Not to mention, I have…other reasons of my own as to why I don’t want any publicity. In any case, I’m going to have to ask you to get out of my way, and take me to this kid.”

Louis heard a bark of laughter from the other side of the room, where a door had opened, and a boy with bright blue eyes and blonde hair had stepped out into the room, and was listening to the exchange with unabashed curiosity. He walked over and held out his hand. “I’m Niall. Did I hear you right? You can help our Zayn?" He had a lilting Irish accent, and one of the most open faces Louis had ever seen.

“Niall, I’m Louis. And yes, I’m a psychologist, and I think I can help, if he’s willing to talk to me. How is he?”

Niall frowned. “He’s a right mess. Come on back.”

Both Jack and Alex started forward, but Niall just gave them A Look, and they backed down. _Hmm. Interesting moment._ Louis thought to himself, wondering _just what are the power dynamics here?_

Niall led Louis back to the door he’d just come out of, and held it open for him, and Louis entered the luxurious hotel bedroom. “Lads, this is Louis. He’s a head shrinker.” Louis couldn’t contain his snort. “He’s gonna help ya, Zayn, but ye gotta feckin’ listen to him, okay?”

The brown-eyed boy was sitting on the couch, with another boy sitting next to him. Both were gorgeous. _Of course,_ Louis thought to himself, _they’re each one hotter than the next._ Standing behind the brown-eyed boy was TYSH guy, _Harry,_ Louis reminded himself, _he’s Harry Styles._

Zayn was almost doubled over, rocking back and forth. His forehead was covered in sweat and, well, Louis could tell he was gorgeous, but he looked awful. Louis walked over and plopped down on to the floor in front of Zayn, thankful that he’d worn casual shorts that he could easily move in.  

“Hey Zayn,” Louis said softly, “can you tell me what’s going on?”

Zayn raised his head and looked at Louis, who gazed steadily back at him. “Who are you?” he muttered, gasping slightly.

“I’m Louis, Zayn. I’m a psychologist. Your mate Harry and your man Jack picked me up at the cafe down the street,” Louis paused for a second and frowned, “Wait, that doesn’t sound quite right,” He thought he heard a muffled snort from Harry, but ignored him and continued, “and they thought maybe I could help you through this. I have experience with this.”

Zayn shuddered, “I don’t know. I can’t breathe, can’t stop thinking about the show coming up, I can’t do it!” His already-rapid breathing sped up, and Louis could see the pulse throbbing in his neck.

“Zayn,” Louis said, using his best soothing but authoritative voice, “I need you to listen to me. Can you do that?”  


“Yes,” he gasped.

“Can I touch you?” Louis asked him. Zayn stared at Louis, and then nodded frantically. Louis held out his hands to Zayn, who grabbed them. Louis rested his hands gently on Zayn’s knees, and Zayn dropped his eyes to Louis’s arms. Louis could see him focusing on the tattoos that littered his skin, and that seemed to calm him in some way. Louis grinned internally, remembering his parents’ total shock when he’d come home with them, and the way they’d been sure that having visible ink would only be a detriment to him professionally. _Clearly not the case with pop stars,_ he thought.  

As Louis talked Zayn through some of the basic ways to calm yourself down from a panic attack, he was surprised that Zayn didn’t seem to know anything about these tools. They did some progressive muscle relaxation, and then Louis talked him through a relaxation visualization. Louis had heard somewhere that Zayn was an artist, and could tell he was truly seeing the safe haven he was creating in his mind. They finished up with some deep breathing, and Zayn seemed to have come down from that panicked place and was back in the present moment with them.

Zayn stared at Louis and said “I have no idea what you just did to me, doc, but wow. I can’t believe it. Thank you, thank you so much." 

“What sorts of tools have you been using to manage your anxiety and panic attacks, Zayn?” Louis asked gently.  
  
“Oh, well, you know,” he said. Shrugged. “Not much, really. It’s only gotten bad in the last few months, and I think everyone just hopes they’ll go away. One doc gave me some drugs, but I hated how they made me feel, so I dumped them. I just…it’s so crazy."

“But they didn’t bring in a therapist? Someone to teach you these skills? Someone to help?" Louis stared, furious, and then stood up. “They just let you suffer?” His outrage was clear in his voice.

“I think you’ve been enough help for today, Dr. Tomlinson,” Louis heard a cool voice from behind him say.

Louis jumped and cursed involuntarily, stunned that he’d been so focused on Zayn that he hadn’t realized that his back had been to the door, and he hadn’t even noticed Alex come in. “Why don’t you step out into the other room, and we can discuss compensation for your work today.”

Louis turned to Zayn and said “I can get you some good resources, websites, there’s some awesome apps—“

“Now, please, Dr. Tomlinson,” said Alex again, with a touch of steel in his voice. Louis pulled out a card and jotted his cell phone number down on the back and handed it to Zayn. “Please, feel free to get in touch if I can be of help.”

Zayn took a deep breath, and smiled, “Can I text you then?”

Louis nodded as Alex took his arm and ushered him out of the room. 

 

 As soon as they were out the door, Louis yanked his arm out of Alex’s grasp. Jack was nowhere to be seen. Alex noted Louis looking around the room.

“Jack had to step out to deal with some issues with the venue tomorrow. I can…write you a check now, if you just let me know your rate.”

Louis looked coldly at him. “You really don’t need to pay me. If I could just talk to Zayn some more, I can help him set up some practice sessions for this mind-body stuff.”

“That’s just not possible. The boys have too much to do, they really don’t have time to indulge in…new-age hippy-trippy meditation ‘practice’." He even made the finger scare quotes around the word practice.

“Fine. Right.” Louis rolled his eyes. “So you have no respect for the mind-body connection. That’s cool. Alot of people don’t…until that comes back to bite them in the ass." Louis heard a snicker from behind him and saw that Niall had come out of the inner room. Louis tossed a quick grin at him, which Niall returned as he mouthed “Thank You” to Louis. Louis just nodded and turned back to Alex. “Anyway, no worries. You don’t need to pay me anything, I’m just glad I could help." He grabbed his bag and headed out the door and back down to the lobby, shaking his head. _What a surreal experience._

When Louis arrived back to his apartment in Somerville, he could see the lights on and grinned. He ran up the porch steps and into the apartment, and threw his arms around the gorgeous woman who was standing there still in her pilot’s uniform. Her face lit up at the sight of Louis, and she called over her shoulder into the bedroom, “Honey!Louis’s home!”

Louis scooped the woman up and gave her a loud, smacking kiss. “AMY AMY AMESBURY AMES!” he sang exuberantly, as they twirled around the living room. “When did you get in?? I thought you weren’t getting home until late tomorrow!”

Louis dumped Amy onto the couch, and plopped down next her. She said, “We had a little change of plans. I’ll be home for a week or so, and then I’m off for the Asia run on the 3rd.” Louis pouted a bit at this, knowing it would be taking her away for several days, “and Kenny’s got the week off too, and then some private gig on Monday, taking some high rollers to Vegas.”

“Well at least you’re here!I was just going to do something lame for dinner like salad in a bag, but let’s go to Redbones!” Amy grinned a companionable grin at Louis and said, “That’s why we keep you around, Lou, for your brilliant mind." Louis smacked her half-heartedly and they headed out.

They had a wonderful evening catching up. As their schedules hadn’t meshed well since before Louis had gone to London, they talked about the closing of Louis’s clinic and the ending of his sort-of-dating relationship, “He was a creep,” Kendra stated, draping an affection arm around Amy’s shoulders, who immediately cuddled in to her side, “He just, I don’t know, looked at you wrong." Louis nodded, remembering that last night, and the too-insistent kiss before he was finally able to give the standard “It’s-not-you-it’s-me” speech.

“So,” said Amy, taking a last sip of her soda, before they stood up to walk home, “how about you? What else has been going on?" Louis opened his mouth to talk about the weird events of the day, and then shut it again. Finally he said, “Something really interesting and weird happened today, but I can’t really give you any details." Amy and Kendra were used to this, and just nodded. 

“I randomly got asked to help a pop star though a panic attack!”Amy and Kendra leaned in with exclamations. “It was so weird, like a movie script or something!Things like that don’t really happen, but it did.” Louis went quiet for a moment, thinking about poor Zayn, and the terror in his eyes, and the way his face had finally relaxed as Louis had talked him through it. “We did some of the basics, breathing, PMR, I think it helped him in the moment, you know? It’s odd, I don't usually feel so comfortable with people right off the bat, especially a room full of 20-something straight guys, but these guys, they’re something else. And,” Louis grinned, “Each one is more gorgeous than the next. It was weird, though, as soon as the kid was calmed down, one of their…I dunno, handlers, I guess you’d call him, just hustled me right out, wouldn’t even let me talk anymore to Z— to the kid, and I just feel so bad for him. It’s like here are these guys who seem like they have it all…” Louis’s voice trailed off. “I don’t know. No one seems to be taking care of them.” Amy and Kendra exchange A Look. “I know, I know, I’m a sucker for the lost ones, aren’t I. Anyway, I’m sure I’ll never hear from any of them again. I hope he’ll be okay though.”

Later that night, though, Louis’s phone buzzed and a text from an unfamiliar number came through. _hey lewie hope i spelt that right, anyway, this is zayn from today, you probably remember ha ha, just wanted to say thanks again. wish i could have talked to you more. the lads and i were wondering if you might want to come to the show at gillette? we can put you on the vip list. LMK._

 Louis burst out laughing, and showed it to Amy and Kendra, “wow, I guess I was wrong about never seeing him again!Looks like I’m going to a pop show!”

 

 Zayn and Louis exchanged many texts over the next week (which, really, he can’t quite believe - an international pop star? TEXTING HIM!?), and set up plans. Zayn sent a text saying that he and the “lads” wanted to talk to Louis after the show, and that they would send a car to get him and bring him home. Louis pondered to Amy and Kendra, “I wonder what they want to talk to me about? I’ll pull together some anxiety resources and bring them, do you think that’s good?" They’d both nodded, as confused as he was. They had quickly figured out which show Louis was going to, and both swore that they would never mention to another soul that he had interacted with One Direction.

Amy, Kendra and Louis had a great week just hanging out, getting the apartment in order, going to movies, and generally just spending time together. Louis made sure to give them some time alone, as well. Because they were both pilots, it was almost unheard of that they’d have a week off together. But through it all, he couldn’t help thinking - what on earth would happen on Saturday?

Saturday arrived, and Kendra and Louis saw Amy off on her Asia flight, and then headed back to the apartment from Logan. Louis propped his feet up on the dashboard of Kendra’s car, and asked, “When are you moving in, sweetie??” Kendra grinned and said, “Well, there’s only one more detail I have to finalize. Obviously, my lease is up soon,” they both rolled their eyes and groaned, realizing the the dreaded move-in day for all the college students was just around the corner. 

“What’s that?” Louis asked curiously, as they pulled into the driveway and hopped out of the car. He didn’t notice the large black Ford SUV that was parked a couple of houses down from their driveway, as he watched Kendra pull a small box from her pocket and handed it to him. His eyes widened and he gasped as he grabbed it from her, flipped it open and shouted, “SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!No way!!When are you going to ask her??” as he watched the diamonds embedded in the band of the beautiful simple ring flash in the sun. Louis flung his arms around Kendra and they both danced around the yard for a moment or two. “You have to help me plan it though, okay?? What do you think she’ll say, Lou?" Louis threw back his head and laughed, saying, “I think she’ll say YES YES YES!”He heard a small cough behind him, and turned to see a man in a dark suit with a crisp white shirt standing there. “Oh my god! The car!Shit, what time is it??” he asked. 

The man smiled, and said “Well, I can see you’re a bit…distracted - looks like congratulations are in order?” Louis smiled back, and the stranger continued “I am actually a bit early, but we should probably go, to beat the traffic." 

“Let me just run inside, grab my things.”

He headed into to the apartment, and Kendra followed more slowly, the two of them chattering about wedding ideas. He grabbed his messenger bag with the different resources he’d printed out for Zayn, and shoved a sweatshirt in as well. Early September in New England could get cool at night, and Louis hated to be cold.

“Err, what’s your name?” he asked the driver, as he hopped into the front seat next to the man. He turned around eagerly to look at the interior of the car and whistled softly. “Wow, this is a super nice car." He noticed the driver had a sort of funny expression as he pulled off of Louis’s side street. 

“I’m James,” he said finally. Louis burst out laughing. “No, really?? Aww, man!” He gave James a sympathetic smile. James looked a bit uncomfortable for a moment and then smiled back. “Well, most people don’t actually ask me, and those who do aren’t really the sort to joke around with the driver.”

Louis shook his head. “People are funny. Well, James, I can’t promise I’ll refrain from any ‘home James’ jokes, but I’ll try! “

The two men chatted as Louis directed him through the maze of Somerville’s back streets, out to Route 2, and they headed off to Gillette Stadium. Before too long, Louis realized that he desperately needed a restroom, and convinced James to take a quick detour to an awesome coffee shop he knew in Lexington so that Louis could pee and get some coffee. As Louis climbed back into the seat next to James and handed him a coffee, James burst out laughing and said “You are a pretty interesting guy, Louis Tomlinson.”

Louis stared at him. “What? Why?”

“Well, for starters, most folks who ride in these limos don’t sit in the front seat with me. And I don’t think I’ve *ever* had anyone buy me coffee before!”

Louis shrugged. “I don’t come from fancy stock, James. Seriously, it’d be too weird to ride in the back seat. Even if I am currently a gentleman of leisure,” Louis waggled his eyebrows at James, who snickered in response. They shared the basics of their lives, so James knew exactly what Louis was referring to. 

As they pulled into the sprawl surrounding the Stadium, Louis figured James would be dropping him off in the parking lot. “What do I do when I get there? Is there some list I’m on? I don’t have a ticket or anything?”James gave him a funny look and said, “No, didn’t you know? You’re going backstage. It’s still early, so you’ll hang out with the boys, and then watch the show from a private box." As he passed the stadium and was waved through a barrier by a security guard, he pointed out, “there’s someone to meet you now.”

Jack looked up and waved as the SUV pulled to stop near him. He went to open the back door and looked startled when Louis hopped out of the front seat, grabbed his stuff, and gave James a wave.

“Hi Louis, so glad you’re here." Jack smiled, but continued to look a little tense. “I know you’ve been invited more as a social thing, but Zayn…” his voice trailed off, and then he said “I think he needs you." 

They hurried through security and after an intimate patdown, they wound their way through the backstage maze to enter the dressing room, where Louis found Zayn in a similar state to the week before. “I can’t do it,” he gasped as Louis gently shoved Niall out of the way, and sat down next to him, “I can’t sing like this." Tears pooled in his brown eyes as he folded over and pressed his forehead to his knees. “Louis, please, can you do that magic thing you did? You helped. Please, please.”

Louis pressed his hand firmly against Zayn’s back, and his focus narrowed down to Zayn’s face. He dropped his awareness of the commotion around them, and ignored the stifled “What the hell is h-?” before it was cut off and the door closed firmly. Zayn and Louis breathed together, and Louis walked him through the meditation again. This time, after that, they did some yoga stretching together until Zayn’s breathing evened out and his faced looked calmer.  

Then Louis asked Zayn, “is this stage fright? Or something else?” Zayn shook his head. “I’ve always has a bit of it, yeah. Never used to get in the way. But then, there was this thing…” His voice trailed off. Louis realized the room had gone quiet, and the other lads were crowding in close to Zayn, like they just needed to touch him. Zayn shuddered, and Louis heard himself say, “You know what? Not now. You have a show to do, yeah?”

Zayn stared at Louis, and Louis could see the panic starting to rise again. Deliberately lightening the mood, he shook his finger in Zayn’s face, and smiled. “Now, I am not going to let you undo all my hard work here, Zayn! Without giving me any details, can you just sum up the fear?”

Zayn closed his eyes, his lashes in stark relief against his pale cheek, and swallowed, then said, “Summary? I’m not…safe. None of us are safe.”

Louis laid one hand on Zayn’s shoulder and the other on his knee, accidentally pressing his hand against Harry’s, who had a firm grip on Zayn’s thigh. He quickly shifted his hand, not noticing the speculative glance that Harry shot his way. “What kind of not-safe, Zayn?” 

“You know, that someone’s going to hurt me, hurt us.”

Louis sighed sadly. “You know, Zayn, I wish I could give you a pat answer, that everything is okay, that you are safe.” (Louis thought about trotting out the reminder that Zayn was MUCH more likely to die in a car crash than any sort of attack, but figured that since the guy was about to be going out on tour, that might not be the most helpful thing he could say, and mentally patted himself on the back). 

“But, here’s the thing. The security here is good - I thought they were going to give me a very thorough prostate exam before letting me back here,” (there was a muffled snort from Zayn at that), “and I know they do tons of events here at Gillette, so I’m pretty sure they know what they’re doing when it comes to security. And you guys have got a great team, right?" Zayn nodded, his eyes locked on Louis’s as if he were drowning and Louis were the life vest. “They’re not going to let anyone through who’s going to hurt you. I’ve been doing some research, man, your fans LOVE you." Zayn nodded again, and mimicked Louis as he took a deep breath in through his nose and out through his mouth. “So, really, how likely is it that something bad is going to happen tonight.”

Zayn sighed. “Err, not likely, I guess." 

“I don’t know what happened to you, Zayn, but I do think you’re going to need to talk about it, and soon, if it’s giving you panic attacks,” Louis said gently, “there’s no shame in needing help to get through a difficult thing, none at all.”

“Well, err…” Zayn dropped his eyes, looking suddenly uncomfortable, “Yeah, about that. Me and the lads, have a plan, right?”

“Good,” Louis said, not letting himself acknowledge the sudden burst of jealousy towards whomever it was that was going to get to help this utterly sweet ( _and gorgeous,_ he added honestly) young man through whatever trauma he had experienced. And clearly something bad had happened, because he didn’t seem like the kind of guy to get thrown like this over something small.

Niall leaned over, and gave Zayn a big hug and a smacking kiss. “Okay, ya knobhead, whaddya think? We doing this or not?”

Zayn took a deep breath, turned to Louis and laid his hand on Louis’s forearm. “Thank you,” he said, with such sincerity that Louis felt his throat swell with emotion. “You’ll be here after the show, yeah?”

“Of course,” Louis replied, “if you want me here.”

Zayn gave Louis a funny smile and squeezed his hand, “Oh, that we do.”

 

The show was a blast. It turned out that Louis was more familiar with their music than he’d thought, recognizing several tunes from the gym where he worked out regularly. The boys put on a great show - clearly really into the singing, and Louis laughed out loud several times at their goofy dancing. They finally exited the stage to the sounds of screaming (which had never really let up, to be fair), all dripping with sweat. They were all clearly in that post-performance adrenaline high, bouncing off the walls, as various handlers tried, mostly unsuccessfully, to get them to drink water or to wipe them down with towels. 

Louis noted with interest that Zayn and Niall both lit up when they saw him, and hurried over to grab him in a sweaty hug!“Ew!” he laughed, “You’re sweating all over me!” 

“What did you think?” they asked, watching his face eagerly.

“I loved it!” Louis exclaimed. “I didn’t realize how many of your songs I actually know!They play them at my gym all the time!I was almost inspired to get down and do some crunches!” 

The boys blinked at him in confusion, and then Zayn cracked up, and turned to his bandmates, saying, “Yeah, I’m sure, how about you lads?” The others all nodded, while Louis looked on in confusion. “Right,” said Zayn, “Okay, let’s go back to the dressing room. Louis, we’re all gonna clean up a bit, and then go back to the hotel. They’ve got us in some place out here for tonight, it’s not too bad. Can you come with us and talk there? We’ll have food, some drinks, hang out. We need to talk to you.”

“Um.” Louis bit his lip, suddenly anxious, not noticing the sudden intake of breath from Harry. “So, here’s the thing. I would so love to hang out with you all, you seem like a blast, but I’m not sure ethically I can. I mean, am I being a therapist to you, Zayn?”

Zayn looked at the others, and then said, “Come on into the dressing room, Louis, I guess it can’t wait.”

They all trooped in, and the boys quickly dispatched everyone, even their security team (after introducing Louis). They sat down, and Louis just stared at them baffled, wondering what the hell was going on.

Zayn opened his mouth, closed it, looked helplessly at the other boys and then gestured to Liam, who seemed to be the honorary leader of the group. Liam briefly locked eyes with the others, then turned to Louis and said “Well, basically, Louis, we want you.”

All four men burst out laughing at the look on his face. Liam snorted and then said, “What we mean is, no one has been able to get through to Zayn on these panic attacks before you, and you just walked in and got him calmed down in, like, 15 minutes.” Liam’s eyes were shining with the love and concern he felt for his friend, and Louis wondered idly if the rumors that he’d read about them were true. 

“Here’s the thing. We, as a band, we’re struggling, Louis, we need some help. The show we just did, that’s the most fun we’ve had, most connected we’ve been, in…” “A year,” chimed in Harry, who’d been quiet up until now. “We’ve come apart, and then with what happened to Zayn…” All four of them drop their eyes, and then Harry continues. “Louis, I really wasn’t trying to listen in on your conversation with your friend at lunch, but when I heard the way you spoke about her work, yours, and your current situation…I just thought, maybe it was meant to be.”

“But what?” Louis finally stuttered out. “What exactly is it that you’re asking me to do? Become, like, your band therapist?" (With sudden horror, he remembered the conversation about his recent break-up. _Pleasepleaseplease don’t let him have heard that,_ he though to himself.)

Liam snorted again, and said “No, I don’t think so. But yes, we want you on our team. We want you to go on this tour with us, to help us reconnect to ourselves, our music, and our band. Harry says you said something about wellness, and I googled it. I googled you too.” Louis stared at him in a sudden panic. _What had he found?_ He continued, oblivious to Louis’s fear, and out of the corner of his eye, Louis saw Harry sit up slowly and look more closely at him. “Really Louis, apparently you’re a freakin’ genius, and you’re really good at what you do, and you can do all that…” he waves his hands helplessly for a second and then said “You know, food and exercise, and health and coaching and stuff.” Louis exhaled slowly, realizing that his secret was still safe.

Louis continued to stare at him. “Let me get this straight. You’re asking me to come on tour with you, as a life coach mentor kind of person?”

“Yeah.” Liam grinned. “I know it’s probably really different from what you’ve done…but Harry did say you said you wanted a change. Not as a therapist, because we want you to be able to be more…you know, social with us, and from what I read, therapists aren’t allowed to do that.”

“Yeah, not really, “ Louis snorted. He paused and narrowed his eyes. “What kind of authority would I have to make you do what’s good for you?”

The boys all burst out laughing again at that, and Liam said, “That’s for lawyers to work out. We want to be healthier, better - we all know how’re we’re doing it now, it’s not good. And you just, you have a shine to you." Louis felt himself turning beet red and waved his hands at Liam to get him to stop talking, but he just kept on. “And Niall says you’re feisty, you just bowled right over Alex. We just need to know first…”

“Wait!” Harry suddenly stood up and walked around in circles for a moment. “Lads. We did just meet him, what if he doesn’t really fit with us? Louis. Can we ask you some really really important questions? To see if you’ll fit?”

 “Uh, okay.”

 “Okay,” said Harry, “What do you do, like, when you’re not working?” Louis looked at him, wondering what this was about. “It’s just, there’s lots of down time when we’re traveling, or there would be for you. Less for us.” Louis looked more closely and noted some signs of exhaustion on his, on all of their faces. 

“Um,” Louis cleared his throat, “well, I was working a lot, and before that I was in grad school, but, um, I do yoga and like to work out, I absolutely love photography,I read, I love music…” 

Niall piped up, “What do you like?" 

“Well, I *love* classic rock." Niall’s eyes brightened “Oh yeah? Like what?" “Oh you know,” Louis laughed, “the Eagles, like that? Old school." 

Niall hooted, and gave him a high five as Louis stared at him, bewildered, and said “That’s all I need to know. I’m good. I’m gonna go shower,” and wandered off. 

“What about books? What do you like to read?” asked Harry.

“Well, I’m kind of a huge geek and I love science fiction and fantasy fiction,” Louis confessed, looking away. “Like, you know, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Star Wars, etc.”

The questions then flew fast and furious:

“Episode 1 or Episode 4?” “Episode 4, of course!”  
“Who shot first?" “HAN!”  
“Is Ian McKellan a god among men?" “Duh,” Louis looked at Liam scornfully.  
“Gollum: victim or villain?” That one brought him up short. “Hmmm,” Louis said thoughtfully, scrunching up his face, “I think…both.”

There was a moment of silence, and the remaining three boys all nodded simultaneously and began speaking to each other in those sorts of half-sentences that people who’ve been together forever can do, where everyone just knows what they mean. “Okay, Liam, you’ll…?” “Yeah, I’m on it." “And Zayn, can you talk to…” “Already texted, mate.” “Let Niall know…, would you?" “Sure thing, Li.”

Louis leaned back and muttered “This is the weirdest job interview I’ve ever had. I mean, not that I’ve had that many of them, I guess.”

Liam smiled and sat down next to him. “I guess the biggest question is, do you want to come along, Louis? It’s no small thing we’re asking you to do - to leave your life for the 9 months of the tour, to be with us, a lot. And, well, to take us all on. We’ll work it all out as we go, but already, we know. You’re gonna be good for us. I don’t want to pressure you, but we leave for London on Thursday.”

Louis stared at him. “Liam, can you guys really just do that? Can you really add another staffer, an major one, at the last minute?”

Liam grinned. “We tell them that we need you? Abso-fucking-lutely. Especially after the show we just had. Come on, we’re the talent!”He burst out laughing at that, and they grinned companionably at each other for a moment. 

Louis sat for a moment, thinking. “My roommate and her girlfriend are getting engaged. I’d need to be able to be in touch for the wedding planning.”

Liam snorted, “We have wi-fi everywhere we go. Skype, text, calls, whatever. We have breaks here and there, you could fly back.”

Louis paused, took a deep breath, and then felt his face break into a huge smile. “You know what? Fuck it. I’m in!”

 

At his words, all three of the boys cheered, and Niall, who was walking in fresh from the shower, gave an excited yell. “Didja say yes, Louis?! Wait!”His face suddenly grew solemn. “Wait. What are we going to call you?”

The boys all thought for a moment, and then Harry suddenly grinned. He nudged Liam, who was sitting next to him and said, “Li, don’t you think? He’s our secret keeper." Liam burst out laughing, as did Louis, and Liam said, “That’s fucking bloody perfect, Hazza." 

Harry looked at Louis and said, “Here’s the thing, everyone has their job, right? The thing they’re supposed to be doing. Security, they want us to be safe, protected, and not be stupid.” (All the boys snort at this.) “Management, they want us to be productive, sell records, that shite. There’s no one…” he looked almost sad for a moment, “That’s just here for *us*. Who wants us to have…what did you call it? Wellness. Who is here…just for us, to help us, with ourselves and each other.”

Louis was struck by the loneliness in his voice.

“Like, we lads, we have each other…but we’re all part of it. I think we need…”

“Someone who’s part of it” chimed in Niall.

“But also not,” said Zayn.

“Just for us,” said Harry.

“What do you think?" asked Liam.

Louis stared at them, overwhelmed by the trust they were already investing him. “Like I said,” he cleared his throat and blinked back tears, “I’m in.”

Over the next couple of days, he was consumed with all the details of putting his life on hold while he was to be traveling. With Kate as his lawyer, he spent a bunch of time with management and their legal guys, hammering out the details of his contract. He was to be hired for the duration of the tour, and put up by management, all of his travel would be covered by management, and he would be earning a (to him, incredibly hefty) salary. During one of their later discussions, the boys sat in on the meeting. Louis balked when he noticed the statement that management would cover any expenses related to public appearances. “What do you mean? I don’t want to be in public. I don’t want anyone to know who I am!”He knew he sounded off, too frantic, and Harry, who was sitting next to him, simply placed one hand on his knee and pressed down a bit, offering comfort and grounding. Louis took a deep breath. 

Jack looked at him oddly, shrugged, and said “There’s really no need for you to do any kind of publicity. We can do our best to keep your name out of the media. I can’t guarantee it, though, you know, these fans, they’re really…invested, and they keep a close eye on all personnel associated with the boys. But, that being said, I think we can protect you somewhat. You’re definitely a behind-the-scenes player. But there will be events, things to do, and if the boys want you there…”  

“In order for me to be really effective, though,” Louis said, “I’m going to need access to the guys without a lot of others around. It seems to me that basically I’m being hired to provide on-the-road support, right? Mind, body, spirit, for them as individuals and as a band. That means I need to be able to really talk to them. Alone. And I won’t report back to management.” 

At that last sentence, Jack stared at Louis, and the guys, all of whom seemed to have been zoning out, sat up as one and goggled at him.

“I’m serious about that,” he stated firmly. “I’m not working for management, Jack, I’m working for the boys. I can’t really be effective unless they know they can trust me. And that means, I **am** their secret keeper, for real. This is non-negotiable. Obviously, if anyone’s in real trouble, I’ll work with you all to keep them safe and get them taken care of, but other than that, it’s confidential.”

Jack frowned, grabbed his phone, and walked out of the room without saying anything. The boys continued to stare at Louis, elbowing each other and grinning, until he glared at them and said “WHAT? It can’t be that weird a request, can it?”

“Louis, I don’t think anyone on our team has ever made that requirement. Not in the 5 years we’ve been together. They all sign non-disclosures, of course, to not talk to the press about us, but to not report back to management? No one.”

Louis stared back. “Really? What the hell?" His gaze softened. “That really sucks, guys. I’m sorry.”

They all shrugged. “Remember,” Liam said, “We do have each other." They grinned at each other, and the sweet moment turned into an impromptu wrestling match that ended when they all wrestled Niall to the ground, and he kicked over a side table and sent a lamp crashing to the ground. Jack walked back in in the midst of the chaos, and his eyes meet Louis’s. 

“Okay.”

The boys all stopped, staring with eyes wide, at Jack. “What?”

Jack cleared his throat. “Okay. I explained it to Simon, and he said, ‘if it means they have more shows like the one they gave at Gillette, give him whatever he wants.’ “ 

The boys whooped, and Liam leapt up and high-fives Louis.

With that settled, Louis yawned and stretched, thinking about all the packing he needed to do. He’d been making lists since Saturday night, and felt a bit panicked about it all. Jack said, “Okay, so we’ll have someone pick you up around 3:00 tomorrow afternoon to head for the airport. Err,” he suddenly paused and paled, “um, you DO have a passport, yeah?" 

Louis nodded. “I actually just renewed it. I was over in London a few weeks ago, visiting my mom and dad." He quickly explained their situation, that his mom was over there teaching art at University of the Arts, and that his dad was retired and along for the fun. “They’re so excited for me about this opportunity, they know that I’ve always wanted to travel the world!”He paused, “wait, what AM I allowed to tell them, though, about what I’m doing?” 

Jack nodded. “Basically, you can tell people that you’re working with 1D, and except for close and trusted personal friends, we’ll work out a statement for you to describe your position." 

Harry interrupted, “He’s going on payroll as secret keeper though, Jack.”

Jack rolled his eyes at Harry and continued. “For your close personal friends, I guess we’ll just have to trust that you know your professional boundaries.” 

Louis nodded in agreement. “I do. This may take some getting used to for me, though, it’s definitely less clear than when I was working as a therapist.”

Zayn slid onto the couch next to Louis and hooked an arm around his shoulders. Louis blinked. He’d already noticed the, well, lack of physical boundaries among the band members, and realized that with his role, they were going to treat him similarly. “We’ll figure it out, Lou." Louis blinked again at the nickname, and at the ease he already felt at the physical contact, but figured he was just too exhausted to worry about it at this point.

 

The next 24 hours passed in a flash. Louis and Kendra finished moving her and Amy into the master bedroom (it didn’t make sense for him to keep it, since he was not going to be there), and he packed up as much of his belongings as he could, so they could use the second bedroom as a guest room. He wasn’t really sure how much time he’d have to come back, especially since everyone else was based in London. Amy and Kendra were both sad to see him go, but incredibly supportive of the opportunity. Kendra was also a bit of a fangirl about One Direction, which helped.

Management told Louis not to worry about any luggage requirements, and to assume that he would be acquiring a lot of what he needed on the road, but he decided to bring his big trunk anyway. He quickly threw clothes for the next few weeks into it, packing for a variety of occasion from casual to more formal, and figured that if he needed anything fancier, he could get it later. He then focused on the more important items: camera gear. While he worked on that, Kendra worked on packing up the rest of his room. _God bless her,_ he thought fondly. He finally narrowed it down to two different camera setups, his DSLR and his waterproof tough CSC. He added a yoga mat and some gym and karate gear, and make a mental note to email his sensei. For his carry-on gear, he had his laptop (he was even more grateful that he’d splurged recently on a top-of-the-line macbook pro, with a huge hard drive), his trusted DSLR, his iPad and Kindle. He burned a bunch of DVDs to his computer and figured that whatever he was forgetting, he could buy it later.

By 2:45, he was done. Louis was definitely more of a minimalist in life, but even so, he’d managed to fill the trunk and another suitcase. He’d called his parents and explained the situation, and sent an email to his friends in the area, promising more contact when things settled down a bit. Kendra helped him haul his things downstairs, and then he grabbed his carryon bag, making sure he had his wallet, keys, passport and cell-phone, and headed out to wait for the driver. When he got to the door, he looked around at his beloved apartment. His eyes welled for a moment, realizing that for the next 9 or more months, this would no longer be home. Then he shook his head, laughing a bit at himself. If nothing else, this was going to be an interesting adventure!

When Louis got downstairs, James was there with the big SUV, and he and Kendra had loaded his bags into the car. James glanced at his carry-on, and asked, “Are there more bags upstairs? Is that all you have?" Disbelief was evident in his tone.

“Nope, this is it." Louis said. “Really, I’ve got my passport, camera, kindle, and some clean underpants, what else do I need?" He looked at Kendra, and in that moment, things finally became real. He was actually leaving. She pulled him into a huge hug, and they both let themselves tear up for a moment. Louis took a deep breath, and pulled back from the warmth of his friend’s embrace. “Okay, it’s not forever!We’ll Skype and email and text and everything, okay??” He looked pointedly at Kendra and said, “And, you better fucking film your proposal and send it to me!I can’t wait to start wedding planning!” Kendra sniffed, and promised she would, and helped him into the front seat of the SUV next to James, and with that, his new adventure began.


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please be aware of the trigger warnings - frank discussion about rape, assault and abuse! Please be careful, do not read if it's not right for you! Stay safe, lovelies!

****

When the SUV arrived at Logan, they bypassed the main commercial terminals that Louis was familiar with, and drove around to the General Aviation Terminal, where the private jets were housed. Louis wasn’t sure that was the right word, having never been a part of this world before. He had a feeling this is going to be a much more fun travel experience.

James said, “Don’t worry about your trunk, I’ll get it on to the plane with the rest of the luggage, just take in what you want with you in-flight.”

Louis grabbed his carryon, and hopped out. Before he closed the door, he leaned in and held out his hand to James. “Thanks so much, James, for everything. Wait, oh god, am I supposed to tip you or something? I don’t know how all this stuff works!”James burst out laughing, and shook his hand warmly. “Absolutely not, Louis Tomlinson, no way. It’s been a pleasure to drive you, and I think you’re about to have the time of your life." Louis smiled at him, tossed the bag over his shoulder, and walked towards the terminal. As he did, he pondered, _is this really going to be the time of my life? I know it sounds amazing, traveling with rich gorgeous pop stars and all, but I think it's going to be_ ** _work_** _too. Something happened to Zayn, something bad. I know PTSD when I see it. I hope he can find a way to talk about it soon, because I think…it’s eating him alive._ With that thought, he pulled open the door to the terminal, and headed in.

Jack was there, looking grey and exhausted, and Louis wondered if he’d gotten any sleep recently. “Hi, Louis. Wow, I’m glad you’re here. The boys will be along soon. We’re in Lounge B, through that door. There’s food, drinks, whatever you want. We were just informed there’s a slight delay, so we won’t be taking off until about 8:00. Do you need anything for the flight?”

Louis shook his head. “Nope, I still even have my sleep mask and my ear plugs from my recent London trip. Oh crap, that’s what I forgot, headphones!” 

Jack laughed. “I’m pretty sure there’s someone in this bunch who can help you out with that." Louis blushed a bit and laughed, remembering who he was going to be traveling with. “Thanks, Jack. And then, are you going to get some rest? I mean, I know I just met you, but you look exhausted, man." Jack stared at Louis, and then gave him a funny half-smile. “Thanks, Louis. Yeah, once we’re all on the plane and cleared to go, I can sack out.”

“So, um, what’s the plan when we get to London?" Louis asked tentatively. He had a feeling that adding him to the tour was not going to be as easy as Liam had thought, but Jack waved away his concern. 

“Since it’s home base for the boys, there’s actually not going to be as much for you to do at first. They’ve got 5 shows at the 02 arena, but they’ll all be staying at their own flats, getting to see their friends, whatever. We were going to put you up at a hotel, but Zayn was wondering if you’d like to stay at his flat? He’ll be with his girlfriend, Perri, for a bit so it shouldn’t be too weird for you. We figured this could be a time for you to start getting to know the boys better. Once we’re there, we’ll have a better sense of the schedule, and can set up times for you with the guys, figure out your role more clearly, stuff like that. They tend to…uhh, get a little crazy in London just because it is their home.”

Louis grinned. “Okay, that sounds good. I was thinking about staying with my folks, but their flat is really small. Staying at Zayn’s would be amazing! I don’t want to be an imposition, or anything, though, so if he’s sure…” His voice trailed off, and Jack just smiled. “Oh, Louis, I think you’ll come to find that Zayn would not make that kind of offer if he truly didn’t want to.”

Suddenly, the noise level quadrupled, and with a wave of chaos and sound, the boys entered the building. 

They swarmed over to Jack, all in mid-sentence. Liam was shouting at Niall (who was hooting hysterically), “NIALL YOU WANKER!It’s NOT FUNNY!”He turned to Jack, who was obviously trying not to laugh, and said “He got into my phone AGAIN and posted from my Twitter AGAIN!!He’s got me liking KALE!” The horror in his voice was evident and Louis cracked up. Liam glared at Louis too and he held his hands up in mock surrender. “Kale’s actually really good, Liam." 

Liam stomped off towards the lounge as Niall grabbed him a headlock, shouting, “Ya just have to TRY it, mate!Green stuff is good for you!”Harry wandered by stating firmly, “Food. Now. All of it. I want all the food. And a bloody beer." Zayn gave Louis a smile, and draping his arm around Louis’s shoulders, steered him towards the private lounge. “How’re you doing?” he asked softly, as they entered the room.

Louis stared around him in awe. It looked like a super-high end club, with big comfy couches and a few table and chair set-ups for people who wanted to eat. There was a bar at one end, with a buffet next to it, and huge windows looking out onto the tarmac and the fancy jets at the other end. “Whoa…” He breathed, as he looked around. “This is nice." He glanced at Zayn, who was watching him in amusement. “Seriously, this is damn cool!But, how am I? Right now, exhausted. I don’t think it’s really sunk in yet. I’m pretty sure that as soon as I stop moving, I’m going to fall asleep.”

Zayn grinned. “I don’t think that’s really a bad idea, mate." 

Louis looked at him more seriously. “And anyway, that’s my question, isn’t it? How are **you**?”

Zayn took a deep breath, and shook his head. The shattered look was back in his eyes, and Louis realized that somehow, so quickly, this young man had crawled into his heart. It happened like that for him sometimes, where he just fell in love…not a romantic love, but a profound connection that seemed to spring up, fully grown. It had happened with Kate, with Amy and Kendra, and now Zayn. As if, they already knew each other, but just needed to be reminded of the details. 

Zayn saw something in Louis’s eyes, and his own cleared abit. “You feel it too, don’t you?” he stated. Louis looked at him questioningly, and he continued,“This…I dunno, connection?” Louis nodded silently. “I think,” Zayn said hesitantly, “I think you’ll be able to help me. Not now, but soon." Louis patted the hand that rested on his shoulder, and said, “You know what, mate? I’m not going anywhere. We’ll figure it out.”

Louis glanced up to see Harry sitting at table by himself, with the largest plate of food he’d ever seen anyone tackle at one time sitting in front of him. He was also staring fixedly at Zayn, looking oddly irritated. When Harry realized that Louis was looking back at him, his face cleared, and he smiled and waved. Zayn wandered off to get some food, and Louis set his things down on a couch. Niall was already sound asleep nearby. He was shivering a bit, so Louis grabbed a blanket sitting on the back of the couch and carefully tucked it around him. Niall mumbled something that might have been “more mash, please” and Louis smiled gently to himself. Zayn and Liam had joined Harry with their food, and called him over. 

As they ate dinner and started getting to know each other a bit better, Louis had to fight against his professional instincts which were not to reveal too much personal information, or any, really. He reminded himself, _this is a different kind of work, and they need to know me as much as I need to know them, so that they can trust me when I push them_. And when he looked at the amount of bacon that Harry was inhaling, he chuckled silently to himself, knowing that he was probably going to piss them off on a regular basis.

 

They ended up taking off around 8:30 that night. The cabin of the private jet was easily one of the nicest places Louis had ever been, and a radical departure from the world of economy class air travel. There were comfortable seats at a table and some big couches. Liam and Zayn immediately grabbed the couch in the back, and collapsed onto it in a heap, pulling a fleece blanket over themselves as they snuggled in. Louis glanced quickly back at them with a wondering _hmmm_ in his mind, as he remembered Jack’s comment about Perrie. Niall sat down on another couch, which was apparently the gaming area, because he immediately started playing some video game that Louis was not familiar with, but seemed to involve small creatures being chased by giant food. Jack and a couple of the security guys took the chairs, and Louis sat down on one end of another couch. Harry sat down next to him, and casually slung his arm around Louis’s shoulders. Without thinking, Louis leaned his head back, resting it on Harry’s arm, and yawned. 

“God, I’m tired.”

Harry nodded. “Me too. I’d love to talk to you more, but I think I’m going to be out really soon.”

“Yeah. I was trying to figure out the timing. So, we land in London 3:30 am Boston time, but 8:30 am London time?”

“Sounds about right. I heard you’re gonna stay at Zayn’s? That’s cool, his place is sick.”

“Yeah, Jack seemed to think that Zayn wouldn’t have offered it if he weren’t really okay with it?” Louis said questioningly,feeling relieved when Harry nodded. They both went silent, and Louis felt his eyes start to close as the plane leveled off. Within moments, he was asleep.

He woke to a darkened cabin, with no sense of how long he'd been asleep. He had shifted his position, and was now lying horizontally, with his back wedged up against someone very warm, who was snoring softly. Somehow Harry had adjusted him from sitting to lying down without his even noticing. He frowned to himself. It was not like him to let down his guard so completely, and the idea of being so vulnerable with these guys so quickly was not sitting all that well. At that moment, he noticed that an arm was draped casually around his midsection, and as he turned over, the person lying next to him groaned softly, and he knew it was Harry, casually snuggling Louis against his larger, firm body.

Now, Louis was not someone who was afraid of touch (any more), but he didn’t usually go out of his way to be this snuggly, except with people he loved and trusted 100%, especially with straight boys. _These boys are very cuddly, aren’t they?_ he mused to himself. He turned his head, expecting to see a sleeping Harry, but instead looked into the other man’s sleepy green eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, “did I wake you?”

“Maybe a bit,” Harry grinned and yawned at the same time. “Wanna sleep some more.”

Louis realized that even though he barely knew Harry, oddly enough, he did feel comfortable being so close to him. Frowning, he turned back over on his side, and realized that he felt truly safe as Harry once more snagged Louis towards him, until they were tucked together like peas in a pod. Louis closed his eyes, and sank back into sleep.

About an hour before they landed, the security guards started gently waking people up. Louis heard Niall moan from behind him, “Go ‘way, Don’ wanna…." The other boys started grumbling too. Louis sat up, and realized there was sunlight coming in the windows as the shades were pulled up. He grabbed his small toiletries kit from his bag and headed into the bathroom, figuring he’d gotten about 5 hours of sleep. Not enough, nowhere near, but he’d get by until tonight. He brushed his teeth and splashed water on to his face. He returned to the cabin, and flopped down into an empty seat across from Jack. One of the crew offered him some breakfast, which he accepted with delight.

As he glanced around the cabin, he saw sleepy guys sitting up. He looked over and met Harry’s gaze, who grinned and threw him a wink. He smiled back, thinking, _did I really just sleep snuggled up to essentially a stranger?_

Harry walked over and said conversationally, “You know, I’ve noticed that when you start worrying, you get this frowny line, riiiiight here.” He traced his fingers down the middle of Louis’s forehead between his eyebrows. “What’s got you bothered, Dr. Tomlinson?”

Louis swatted his hand away with a huff of exasperation, and thought for a moment. “Well, it’s just…this **is** actually really weird, right? I’m not nuts for thinking that?”

Harry looked back at Louis, and then nodded slowly. “Yeah, I think I can get that. Like, here we are, we just met you two weeks ago, and now you’re going to be living with us, and it’s like, are you a friend? But you’re part of the team? And it’s your job to take care of us. But your ours, not management’s. The boundaries are a bit weird, eh?”

Louis blinked a bit at the idea of Harry Styles not only knowing what boundaries were, but that they might be funky in this setup. “Yeah, exactly.”

“Well, tell you what,” Harry suggested, “I’m thinking maybe we should just keep talking about it, see how it all works out.”

Louis heard an annoyed snort from Liam behind him, who muttered, “Talking about things, what a novel idea.”

Zayn made a sudden, pained noise and Harry, not batting an eyelid, just said “Shut it, Liam. Later.”

All of a sudden the air was thick with tension, and Louis was forcefully reminded that these were boys _men,_ he reminded myself, _they’re men,_ who had years of history together, an intimate history that he knew nothing about. He had so many questions, and wondered when, or if, he might start getting some answers.

 

After they cleared customs, the boys and security all scattered in different directions. Louis rode with Zayn to his place, so he could give Louis the details of the security system, get him a key, and generally help him get settled a bit before Zayn headed off to see his girlfriend. Noting the close embrace he and Liam shared before Liam and Niall hopped into a different car, Louis again wondered _hmmm_. Zayn was not too talkative, and spent the ride to his flat staring out the window and drumming his fingers nervously on his thighs. At one point, Louis laid his hand gently on Zayn’s, and asked quietly, “You okay?" Zayn jerked one shoulder but didn’t answer, so Louis gave his hand a pat as he removed his own.

Louis walked into Zayn’s apartment, and stared. It was gorgeous, decorated with a funky, minimalist vibe, and the walls were scattered with modern art that Louis couldn’t wait to get a chance to look at more closely. 

“Here’s the key. I wrote down the code for the security system, but don’t stress if you set it off, I do that almost once a week." Zayn laughed. “Seriously, they’ll just call me and they can reset it from their end. What else? Oh, the cleaning crew just came, and they’ll be back again on Friday, around 9, I think.”

Louis nodded, and hoped he would remember this and not be wandering around naked on Friday. It had been known to happen. 

Zayn and his security guy got ready to head out and Louis gathered from their discussion that they would part ways when Zayn was dropped off at Perrie’s. Zayn paused at the door and turned back. “How about we try and coordinate something tomorrow?”

“Let’s hold off a few days,” Louis said, “since we just got here. You need some time to reconnect with your life.” When Zayn looked like he was about to protest, Louis added, “Don’t worry about me, Zayn, remember, my parents are here, I’ll be seeing them later today, and anyway, I’m a big boy, I’m pretty sure I can amuse myself!”Zayn grinned, though the tension was still evident in his eyes. He waved his phone at Louis as if to say, _I’ll text you tomorrow,_ and then was gone.

For the next couple of days, Louis spent time relaxing, recovering from his exhaustion and the exhilaration of making such a huge, life-changing decision in such a short amount of time. He spent time seeing his parents, and doing a bit of shopping and sight-seeing. He texted a bunch with the boys, but they were all pretty excited to be back with their friends, and knowing they were about to be on tour, Louis figured they would have more time together to start figuring out his exact role, their goals for the work, and things like that when they left London. The band had 5 shows starting on Saturday night, and it was going to be grueling work for them.

Late Thursday afternoon, Louis let himself into the apartment after an afternoon of at the British Museum.  So sue him, he loved mummies.  _Flat_ , he reminded himself, _you’re in London. It’s a flat._ He was surprised to hear voices, and when he rounded the corner into the living room and dropped his bags, having picked up a little light reading in the museum gift shop, he saw Zayn and Liam sitting together on the couch. Zayn, frankly, looked awful. He looked even thinner than he had just a week prior, and pale, with bags under his eyes. Liam looked a bit of a mess too, though not as bad as Zayn. Zayn was sitting with his eyes closed, head leaning on the back of the couch.

Louis walked over to him and sat down on the coffee table in front of him. He put his hands on Zayn’s knees, who slowly opened his eyes, and stared dully back at Louis.

“What is it, Zayn?” Louis asked gently, using the firm-but-loving voice that he’d perfected during his work with kids. “Tell me what it is.”

Zayn opened his mouth, started to speak, closed it, and just stared helplessly at Louis. Louis looked over at Liam. “How long has he been like this? Why didn’t you call me?! This is part of what I’m here to help with!”

Liam shook his head, “it’s been building up, but he and Perrie had a huge fight yesterday, and it just…set him off. It’s just something that happens sometimes.”

Louis looked back at Zayn, who had closed his eyes again. “Zayn,” he whispered, “what do you need?" He laid his hand gently on Zayn’s knee, and when he noticed the tears leaking from under Zayn’s closed eyelids, he moved quickly to his side, and put his arms around him. This was one of the biggest differences in his role with the boys versus his role as a therapists. He was allowed to touch them, and Zayn, in particularly had told Louis that physical touch from people he trusted (which included Louis, apparently) helped him to ground and not get lost in his anxiety. 

That seemed to be the catalyst that broke Zayn wide open. He collapsed into Louis, as Liam leaned in and hugged him from behind, and sobbed for what seemed like hours, but was probably really only about 10 minutes. Liam and Louis held him, rocking him, rubbing his back, and whispering nonsense words of comfort. Finally, the worst of the storm seemed to pass, and Zayn leaned his head gently onto Louis’s shoulder, as his breathing began to settle down.

Finally, it seemed to Louis that it was the moment to speak. “Zayn,” he said, wrapping his arms around the quiet boy, “It’s time to tell me.”

 

Zayn heaved a sigh and managed to get himself sitting up. Liam disappeared into the bathroom and came back with a towel and a damp washcloth, and lovingly washed Zayn’s tear-soaked face. Louis leaned into him and muttered, “It’s not fair, you’re even gorgeous when you cry.”

Zayn was able to give a small snicker at that, but then the somber mood settled back over him. Finally, he opened his mouth. Louis took a deep breath and slowly exhaled, not knowing what he was about to hear, but knowing without a doubt that it was going to hurt.

“It was…last spring. February. We’d done some shows in Ireland, just for fun. Smaller places, you know? We were having…” his voice cracked and wavered, and Louis draped his arms around Zayn’s slender shoulders, his arms brushing up with Liam’s, as they surrounded him with the love he needed to tell his story. Liam was staring at Zayn intently, and Louis wondered for a moment if he knew this story, or if this was the first time Zayn had told it. Zayn unintentionally answered his unspoken question when he looked at Liam, and said, “It’s hard, love. I have to tell him it all. It’s killing me." He sobbed again for a moment, and then took another breath. “We’d decided to hit the pub on a night when we didn’t have a show. All the lads went out, but we were all pretty beat. Harry and Niall headed back to the hotel, but Liam and me, we decided to stay and have another pint or two.”

“Or three.” Liam added, resting his head on Zayn’s shoulder.

“It was a bit of a dodgy place, we wanted to go somewhere where no one knew us.” Zayn’s voice rose in frustration, “I just wanted One. Bloody. Night. to go back, you know?” He looked at Liam pleadingly, and Liam nodded in recognition. “Just one night not to be Mr. Famous Fucking Popstar. One night to just be me, just be…us.”

Louis lifted his head at that, and wondered if Zayn meant what he thought he did. Liam nodded, and Zayn took a deep breath. “This is, like, you can’t tell anyone, Louis." 

Louis paused him and said, “Z, remember who I am? Remember *what* I am? I’m your secret keeper. Share this with me, I’m here. I can’t help if I don’t know.”

Zayn swiped roughly at his eyes with his sleeve, and for a moment Louis could picture him as a beautiful gangly 10 year old boy, caught between childhood and adolescence, and his heart broke just a tiny bit more at the loss of that innocence. 

“So.” He took another deep breath, “Me and Liam, we’re…together. Like, really together." Louis nodded understandingly and murmured “I had wondered." 

Liam said, “Perrie is one of Zayn’s absolute closest friends. The rumors were getting strong about us and management…well…” his voice trailed off.

“Management doesn’t think the world is ready for a same sex couple in a pop band?” Louis guessed, and they both nodded. Liam said, “The fight? She’s getting tired of the charade. Knows it’s not good for him, or me. Her too. She’s tired of it.” 

“Okay,” Louis said, “go on.”

“Well, we’d had some to drink. We were a bit pissed, you know? Enough that we got careless. Liam had to go to the bathroom, and I wanted a smoke. I made the mistake of grabbing him and giving him a kiss. When I went outside, 4 blokes followed me." Zayn swallowed, and Louis could see where this was going, poor scared boy, not the details, but the general picture, and his heart continued to crack in his chest for Zayn. 

“I was lighting up, and just…smiling. Thinking about being out, without all the screaming and the people.” Zayn shuddered as the memories rolled over him. “Then they grabbed me." His voice slowed and went dull as he recounted the violence of the next several moments. The punches and kicks, the curses and names hurled at him _fucking paki queer disgusting it’s unnatural_ , curling into a ball, wondering if they were going to kill him, if this was it, and all he could think was _I’m so sorry Liam so sorry sorry sorry_. He was sobbing now, and tears were pouring down Liam’s cheeks as he stifled his own sobs. Louis felt tears tracking down his own face too, but he’d heard so many of these stories, too many, and he knew how to listen, so he took a deep breath, and said, “Tell me, Zayn. Come on, darling, it’s like poison, let’s get it out.”

Zayn shuddered again, and said, “They turned me over. They hadn’t marked my face too badly, and one of them said, ‘Well now, he’s actually a real pretty one. I haven’t had a woman in a while, lads, I’m gonna have my way with this one!’I started to fight." His voice rose in panic, and he started to breath more quickly. “I did! I fought them, but they were so big. And I…” he sobbed again, “I couldn’t get them off of me. They got my trousers and pants down, were grabbing at me, and then…and then…” He sobbed again and again, his voice broken, and Louis rubbed his back as he held Zayn, who finally said softly, “He was just starting to, you know, push into me, and I was screaming. Then Liam…” his voice trailed off, and the look in his eyes as he connected with Liam told Louis all he needed to know about their relationship. It was love, all the way down love, and it might very well, Louis thought, be the foundation of the healing of Zayn. 

Liam picked up the tale. “I got concerned, Zayn doesn’t take that long to smoke, you know? I went out, and I heard the grunts, and I just…” rage crossed over his face and Louis shuddered too, thinking _I never, ever want to be on the receiving end of that look._ “I grabbed up the nearest thing I could find, a broken plank, and I just…waded in. I scared them, they scattered and I got Zayn up and out of there. He was…” his throat closed and he said huskily, “He was pretty beat up, so I took him the hotel and we got him cleaned up. The other lads knew, of course, we were all there for him, but he couldn’t talk about…” he stuttered on the word, “The rape.”

Zayn continued to sob quietly and then said, “I just, I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t fight back. I think that was the worst." His drenched eyes met Louis’s, “I was just **helpless**." 

Louis nodded, his mind scrambling to catch up as he processed everything he had just been told. “Did you talk to anyone? Besides the rest of the band? Management must have known, right? Bruises like that take a long time to heal." 

Zayn sighed, and didn’t ask Louis how he knew this. “Yeah, management knew. We didn’t have any shows, they cancelled the few appearances we had. We were supposed to be on holiday anyway, and we just holed up in that hotel in Dublin until the bruises healed enough that I could cover them with makeup and we came back. I did heal, but management…they wanted it kept quiet.” Louis’s eyes narrowed at this but he didn’t comment. “And then we were back on the treadmill, there wasn’t really time. And I just didn’t…didn’t want to talk to just anyone, you know? I felt…I feel…” he shook his head as he tried to explain, “I don’t know. It just shook me. Hard. I mean, I’ve had people be…cruel. But never like this. Like I wasn’t even human to them. Like they wanted me dead. I’ve never been helpless like that. And since then…I’ve wondered if I was going crazy.”

His eyes met Louis’s, and he said softly, “I’ll tell you, Louis, I’ve got a lot more understanding for women now, and what they go through. I’ll never play it down again." 

Louis hugged him tightly and said, “Zayn, all these things you're experiencing, you know they’re normal, right?”

Zayn stared at Louis, and Louis saw surprise, and something that looked like hope start to build in his face. “What do you mean, normal?”

“Zayn, have you ever heard of PTSD? Post traumatic stress disorder? It’s what happens for people when they go through something like what you went through, a true trauma. There’s a pretty usual way that people respond.”

Liam interjected, “What do you mean? I thought that just for soldiers.”

“Well,” Louis begin, “We often say that PTSD is a normal response to an abnormal event. There’s ways you respond, nightmares, maybe even reliving the event, or getting scared when something reminds you of it." Zayn nodded, and his grasp on Louis’s hand tightened, as if Louis had thrown him a lifeline. “Also, mood changes, maybe being angrier or more irritable,” Liam snorted and Zayn hip-checked him as best he could while sitting on the couch, “overwhelming shame or guilt, getting startled more easily,” Louis looked at him, “and panic attacks.”

Zayn and Liam glanced at each other, and then Liam said, “So, what now then, does just talking about it make it better?” They looked hopeful, and Zayn commented, “I can’t believe it, but I do feel better.”

Louis shook his head and their faces dropped. “No, it’s not that easy. But there are ways to heal and recover, and it **will** get better, I promise you, Zayn. Talking about it is a huge step, and so important. Let me think on it a bit, and we’ll keep talking about it. Do the other guys know how much it’s still bothering you?”

Zayn shook his head. “No, I haven’t really told them. Basically,” he looked a little sheepish, “I’ve just been a bit of a git to them all, even Liam,” who shrugged in agreement. “We were having problems before but it’s been bad.” He looked at Louis and then said slowly, “So, you’re saying I have to talk to them too, right? I have to let them in.”

“I think you do, Zayn. These are your best mates, I know family when I see it." Louis was very curious about what the problems they’d been having were, but this was not the time to ask.

Zayn turned and murmured softly to Liam, “Why don’t you text the lads, Li, see if they’re up for pizza and bad movies?" Louis made a move as if to get off the couch and Zayn grabbed him. “Oh no, Louis, you’re in it now. I’m not letting you go." Louis smiled at him and gently touched his cheek as Liam headed into the kitchen to text the boys. “I’m not going anywhere, Zayn." 

He sighed in relief and said, “Thank you, Lou. I can’t even tell you." His eyes welled up again, and Louis’s followed suit, “All of a sudden, I feel like I can **breathe**. For the first time in so long, I think I’m going to be okay.” Louis gave him another hug and tried to calm the brief flash of envy that it might truly not take him too long to put this terrible event behind him.

“Okay, I’ll hang out if you guys want, but let me put my stuff away." Zayn nodded, and Louis headed into the room he’d been using, needing a moment to recompose himself.

 

The boys’ shows at the O2 arena were amazing. Louis attended the opening and closing nights, once sitting in the stadium and once sitting backstage and watching the goings on that supported the huge production in front of him. Louis was introduced to some of the lads’ friends, and, as odd as it felt, he seemed to have been just accepted and integrated, obviously not quite into the band itself (though Niall, after a rambunctious karaoke party at Harry’s flat, kept threatening to get Louis into the studio so they could record show tunes), but into their lives in a way that felt almost seamless. Weird, definitely, but also kind of wonderful.

Louis had started on really getting to know the guys. Liam definitely lived up to his “Daddy Direction” title, and before Louis knew it, he’d taken to calling him “Papa Bear” which Liam growled at, but seemed to delight in as well. Louis made a mental note to get some time alone with him, to make sure Liam was getting the support he needed, both as the de facto leader of the band, and as someone with his own trauma over Zayn’s experience. Niall was clearly on the ride of his life, and the joy of it shone all over his adorable face. He was light-hearted and a joker, though he clearly had a deeper, sensitive side as well. The five men watched a sappy movie one night, and Niall and Louis both sobbed unashamedly in unison while the others groaned at them. (Louis was pretty sure he saw Liam wipe away a tear too, though.)Louis christened him Noodle when he discovered that Niall was a shameless hedonist and would collapse like, well, a noodle, whenever anyone gave him a back rub. He loved his cuddles, did Niall. Zayn was still quiet, but the strain in his eyes was easing, and he was starting to seem a bit more confident. He hadn’t suggested any nights out, preferring to stay in, or go out during the day and Louis made another mental note to see if they could start getting him to break that fear. He and Liam were adorable together, and the other two clearly supported the relationship and protected the two of them.

Harry. Now Harry continued to be a bit of a mystery to Louis. They hadn’t gotten to spend as much one-on-one time together, as he seemed to have the busiest social life of all the lads. He was also far smarter than the media portrayed him, and clearly was a thoughtful and sensitive friend. He was open and friendly to Louis, but every once and a while, Louis would catch him watching him closely, and at times, especially if the other boys were being particularly cuddly, he would frown a bit. Louis was most confused by the discrepancy between the media’s portrayal of Harry as a womanizing lothario, and the reality he was observing, which was that Harry was not only a huge dork, but didn’t seem to have anything beyond light-hearted flirting with anyone. He seemed to go out of his way to not spend any time alone with any woman, ever, and Louis wasn't sure how he'd gotten such a reputation.

Speaking of which, the cuddly nature of these boys was very amusing to Louis. _They’re like puppies, really_ , he thought to himself, as he watched Niall sprawl out across Liam and Zayn on the big couch as they watched some Very Important  ~~Soccer~~ Football match and shouted at the screen. They were drinking beer and had somehow conned Louis into making popcorn for them, which was now spilling all over the floor. 

“BOYS - look at the mess you’re making!”Louis said to them, as he wedged himself into the corner of the couch by Zayn. Niall immediately spread out further and grabbing a pillow, laid his head on Louis’s thigh, looking up at him with hopeful, round, blue eyes. 

“Louis, mate, c’mon then, give us a scritch?" Louis laughed and started running his fingers through Niall’s hair, in the way that he’d already learned Niall loved. “I can’t believe we’re off tomorrow,” he commented.

“I know, I think I’m all packed." The London shows had finished a couple of days ago, and they were leaving for Scotland in the morning. It felt to Louis like now it was really beginning. They’d all talked a lot about how he could be of help to the band, and Louis thought that they’d put together a good intro plan, knowing that like all plans, it would have to be adjusted it as they went along. He could hardly wait.

 

Over the next few weeks, Louis’s place with the boys continued to gel as they fell into somewhat of a routine. They would arrive at a new place and get set up in the hotel. Management tried at the very least to get all of them on the same floor, often with adjoining rooms. Depending on when they arrived, they’d get some food. Louis tried to work with them all on finding healthy options, and often reminded them that just because they all had revoltingly fast metabolisms, that didn’t mean they needed to feed themselves junk all the time NIALL. They’d taken to just muttering “Body, temple, got it,” in an attempt to get Louis to shut up, but he took his work seriously.

The boys would then spend time recording the new album, or working either together or separately, writing music. Louis tended to go out and explore wherever they were, taking his camera with him. He was increasingly thankful that he had upgraded to the largest hard drive on his computer that he could find, and he was obsessive about backing up his images. The boys laughed as he always seemed to have a camera in hand, but had gotten very comfortable with him taking pictures at any and all times.

Because their schedule was so crazy, between rehearsals, recording, and all the promo work, they tended to work out either crazy late or really early in the morning. On concert nights, there was a lot less time, so they tended to have what they had taken to calling “family meeting” for an hour or so in the late afternoon over snacks and the occasional beer. Louis knew they all could be drinkers, but so far he hadn’t seen as much of that. He wondered if they were on their best behavior, or were just too busy to party.

On days when they didn’t have a show, even if they were traveling, Louis would try and get one-on-one time with each of them if possible, but especially with anyone who signaled that he needed it. This ranged from Liam bitching about Harry borrowing his clothes and hair gel without asking, to Zayn suffering and sweating through a flashback, though as time went on, those happened less and less. 

During one of these times, when Louis had managed to walk Zayn through his visualization and get him breathing normally again, Zayn turned to him and said “How do you fucking do it, Louis?”

Louis looked at him in confusion. “What do you mean, do what?”

“How do you hear these stories over and over again, and not get sick of it?”

Louis rubbed his back gently while he pondered his answer. “I don’t get sick of it, Z. I mean, it’s my job. I’ve heard so many of these stories, and they do touch me, every single one, every single time. I guess I just try and let them…flow through me, so that they don’t have to be held by the person who’s suffering.”

Zayn shook his head. “I don’t know, I don’t think I could do it. It’s like you’re unbreakable.”

Louis look down and said quietly, “No one’s unbreakable, Z. Especially me.”

There was a moment of somber silence, and then the mood lightened as we shifted to discuss where they were going to have dinner.

 

Looking back, Louis thinks that the moment when his relationship with the guys was truly transformed was when he let himself into their suite from his room down the hall, to grab them for dinner, and stopped, utterly disconcerted.

Liam and Zayn were high-fiving each other, and hooting in delight, while Niall and Harry were sitting disconsolately on the couch.

“Uh, Niall? Harry? Why…” Louis cleared his throat, “Why are you guys naked?”

They glared at him without moving, and then Harry said, “SOMEone had the bloody brilliant idea to play strip FIFA, and Niall and I lost."

Niall protested, “Hey, it wasn’t me who made that SHITE move and let in 3 goals!  That cost us our shirts, trousers AND pants!”  He suddenly seemed to realize that Louis was actually standing in the room, blushed a bit but covered it with bravado. “So, Louis….” he waggled his eyebrows and said, “What do you think? Like what you see?” At that point, Louis’s sexuality was not common knowledge. While Louis didn’t think he hid who he was, the time to come out explicitly just hadn’t come up. He was, however, well-aware that Niall was not only pretty darn straight, but also very comfortable with himself and everyone else. 

Louis rolled his eyes at them, and said with exaggerated politeness, “Of course sweetie, it’s **lovely**! Now, c’mon, boys, put your toys away, I’m starving! I’ll meet you in the lobby in 5 minutes. WITH YOUR CLOTHES ON.” He very carefully did not look at Harry any more than he had to, ignoring the tattoos, the long expanse of pale skin, the collar bones, the abs, the…. _eyes up, Louis,_ he whispered to himself.

Niall burst out laughing at Louis’s remarks, and said, “Didn’t you say you were in the mood for sushi?”

Louis turned from the door, where he was about to head out, and give Niall a wicked grin as he said, “No, actually, I think I’m in the mood for…” Louis exaggeratedly looked him up and down, “sausage.”

Harry started laughing so hard he could barely breathe, while Liam and Zayn collapsed on the floor in howls. “What?” Louis said innocently,“Not in the mood? How about…spaghetti and meat balls! No?”

He left them all laughing and headed down to the lobby.

 

Somehow they’d managed to find a balance that worked in their relationships. When they needed more support, Louis would shift into that role, and when they were just hanging out, it seemed, at least with Niall, Zayn and Liam, more like they were Louis’s beloved but sometimes annoying little brothers. They loved seeing if they could shake his composure and Niall in particular seemed to enjoy “taking the piss” out of Louis, as he put it. 

Except with Harry. With him, Louis always seemed to have that extra level of awareness. He could feel his eyes being drawn back to Harry regularly. At times Louis thought Harry treated him like just another guy, and then at other times, Louis would find Harry looking at him with an almost speculative look. Louis noticed, too, that while Harry was cuddly with the others, he hadn’t moved into that same place of comfort with Louis that the other boys had, and certainly never gave him the same casual smacking kisses that the other boys did. Louis didn’t quite know what to make of Harry, or of his own feelings for him for that matter, but tended to file it away until he had time alone to think. Which never really seemed to happen.

 

The band was headed to some gorgeous black tie event and had insisted that Louis needed to come along as well, though he wasn’t entirely sure what the justification for his presence was. It seemed to fall into, “what the talent wants, the talent gets.” It was an excuse to dress up, dance and drink champagne, and Louis had to admit he was looking forward to it a bit. He’d been at a loss for clothes until Lou and Caroline had showed up with a couple of garment bags. He’d looked at them apprehensively, but they had just smiled. “Um, what’s going on?” he had asked, looking from Lou to Caroline. Lou said, “We figured you didn’t have anything black tie, so we’re gonna help you out. Big management guys are gonna be there, and you need to show them you’re worth the money.”

They pulled out a couple of different suits, and Louis ended up picking out a gorgeous black wool suit with a slight sparkle to it. The two stylists nodded in approval, and offered up a crisp, white dress shirt as well. Louis showed them his dress shoes which they deemed adequate.

“Okay, love,” said Lou, “drop trou so we can check the fit. They gave us all your measurements before we left, so we’ve got a few things, but we just want to make sure everything’s going to work.”

Louis froze, and stared at them. There was no way to get through this without them seeing, he realized. He took a deep breath, and said“there’s something you need to know. I can’t talk about it right now, I’ll tell you when I can, okay?" He turned away from them, and knew they could hear the tension in his voice. He could almost hear them exchanging glances, and then they both said, “Absolutely, Louis, whatever you need.”

“I have…a scar, on my lower back.” He breathed deeply. _It’s okay. I can do this._ Telling people, it never got easier. Thank goodness he didn’t have to do it very often. “From along time ago. It’s just…it’s hard to miss, and I didn’t want you to wonder.”

Lou and Caroline both simply leaned in and hugged him. Then, bless them, they simply bundled him into the shirt and suit, “NO, no tie, Louis, for god’s sake, have you no sense of style?”, checked the fit, and pronounced him gorgeous, and left.

The party was lovely. It was being held at a penthouse suite with a gorgeous rooftop garden, but the night was a bit chilly. Their large group showed up and it occurred to Louis that the only people he really knew there were the boys, who were immediately swept off into the crowd to go make nice. He wandered around for a while, making conversation, and nibbling the hors d’ouerves. As he made his way towards some couches, a man turned and said, “Louis!”In shock, Louis stared at someone who was very definitely Simon Cowell. “Um, yes, hi Mr. Cowell." The man made shooing motions and said, “Please, call me Simon. I was hoping I’d get a chance to talk to you, meet you in person. I just wanted to tell you that whatever you’re doing with the boys, keep doing it. The reviews are fantastic, and the rest of the tour is just about sold out!They’re doing so well. I hear the new material is good too. So, good on ya, Louis!”He shook Louis’s hand, snagged two glasses of champagne from the passing waiter, handed one to Louis, offered a toast, and then walked off. Louis blinked, feeling a bit like he’d just been engulfed by a tornado, and saw Zayn laughing at him from a few feet away. 

Louis made his way through the crowd over to him, and Zayn tucked his arm around him and said, “You look a bit gobstopped, Louis. Simon…he does have that way about it." Louis nodded, and then Zayn was called away to meet some other executives.It was a bit too hot and crowded for Louis, so making sure not to spill his champagne, he wandered through the crowd, and headed out to the roof top garden. He stood at the edge of the roof, sipping champagne, and staring at the lights of the city. It was a bit chilly, but he couldn’t quite make himself go back in yet.

It hits him, as it did some times, how unbelievable this experience was, often when he was tired or just caught up in the moment. With either the silliness or the challenges of being with the boys, he didn’t have a lot of time to reflect. While Louis couldn’t accept Simon’s assumption that the way the boys are performing was due to him, he did think he was doing good work with them. They’d all come to lean on him for the emotional support and grounding that everyone needed, and Louis was genuinely honored to be providing it to them.

“Gorgeous, isn’t it?" Louis jumped and sloshed his champagne a bit. He turned as Harry walked toward him. 

“Jesus, Harry, you scared me!”

“What were you thinking about? You were a million miles away.”

Louis shrugged, “Just…trying to take it all in, you know? It’s crazy. And crazy to think that in a few months, we won’t be doing this.”

Harry’s eyes darkened at that. He opened his mouth to speak and then just nodded, staring into Louis’s eyes. Louis shivered and took a sip of champagne. He glanced up into Harry’s unusually solemn face, and then turned to look back out at the lights of the city shining all around them. Louis could feel Harry’s eyes boring into him, and turned back, quirking an eyebrow. “What?

“He’s right,” Harry murmured softly, and Louis said, “Who’s right? About what?" 

“Zayn. He’s right. We were talking about your smile, and Zayn said, ‘but he’s got sad eyes, Lou does.’ We all laughed at him, but I could see it just now, when you were off somewhere else. Christ, Louis, you’ve got the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen, it shines out of you like a supernova, but when you’re lost in thought…”Harry’s big hand drifted up and gently cupped Louis’s cheek as his thumb brushed over his lips, which burned in its wake. “You’ve got such sad eyes, Louis. The saddest I’ve ever seen. Why so sad, Dr. Tomlinson?”

Louis could not seem to break Harry’s gaze, could not breathe, could not speak. His heart was threatening to burst out of his chest, as he stared at Harry. He inhaled on a gasp, and started to open his mouth, when Harry gave his head a small shake. “You don’t have to say anything, don’t have to tell me anything. Just, please…Don’t make a joke.”

A few moments later, Louis heard a shout of “Oi! Hazza!” from Niall through the door.

He turned away from Harry’s hands on his face, and said quietly, “Sounds like they need you inside. I’ll be in in a moment." Louis could feel his hesitation, but then Harry walked away, back to the light and noise of the party, leaving Louis alone with the silence of his thoughts.

_What the actual fuck was that?_

 

By this time, the band was finishing up the UK leg of their journey, and the entire production was headed off to Europe. Louis hadn’t traveled extensively over there, and it was pretty incredible. He was getting to see some amazing sights, and he had to admit, traveling first class was pretty great. Going back to coach was not going to be easy. The boys continued to treat him with a mixture of respect and impudence, and he loved it all. They were performing brilliantly, by their own account writing creatively, and their relationships seemed stronger than ever. 

They arrived first in Austria, Vienna, to be exact, and were staying at the Ritz Carlton. Louis continued to have to pinch himself to believe the luxury with which he was now surrounded. The living room in the boys’ suite was, as usual, the default hang-out space, with the boys having elected to share rooms to all be in the same suite. Louis’s room was a lock-out connecting on one side, and security was housed across the hall. Vienna happened to be where one of Louis’s dearest friends from college was now living, and he had made plans to go out the day they'd arrived. The boys weren’t playing for another couple days, and everyone was looking forward to some down time. 

Brett had hinted that she had something exciting to tell Louis, and he could not wait to see her. She was actually originally from Texas, but had fallen madly in love while on her exchange program when they were in college, and as soon as she had graduated, she’d moved to Vienna to be with Dominik, and had been here ever since. They tried to see each other whenever she flew back to the US, as she always tried to connect through Boston, but somehow it had been more than 2 years since he’d seen her last.

Louis actually make an effort with his appearance, because he knew that Brett would be amused. He had on dark-wash skinny jeans that took some effort to get into, but did tremendously good things for his ass. He was wearing a fitted, short-sleeve button up shirt in light blue, with the sleeves rolled up, and classic brogues that showed off his ankles. He’d taken extra care in shaving, done his hair up in a quiff, and even put on a sneaky touch of eyeliner, not something he did often, but he had to admit that it definitely made his eyes pop, and look even bluer than usual.  He’d mentioned briefly to the boys earlier that he was going to be meeting a friend for dinner, so he grabbed a jacket, as the nights were getting cooler, stuck his wallet, phone and key card into his pocket, and wandered back into the living room to let them know he was heading out soon.

The boys were messing around with some game when he came in, but as soon as they saw him, they all sat up as one and stared and there was a moment of silence.

Louis felt a blush creeping over his cheeks. “WHAT?”

Liam was the first to break the silence. “Jesus Christ, Louis."

Louis twirled around. “What do you think?" He popped his hip and jokingly posed like a supermodel.

From the side of the room where Harry was sitting with a book, Louis heard a strangled cough. Zayn smirked and then said, “You look amazing, Louis, super hot, 10 out of 10, would definitely recommend.”

Niall chimed in, “You look bloody amazing, Lou!Holy shite!I’m not even interested in dick and I’m perking up.”

Louis burst out laughing, and, not able to help himself, glanced over at Harry. He was gaping back at him, and when their eyes met, Harry’s mouth shut with an audible click. He swallowed, and said, “Um. Yeah." He looked away and then glanced back, “you look…nice. Wait." His eyes narrowed. “Where are you going? Dressed up like that?”

“Remember? I’m meeting up with my friend from college, we’re going out for dinner, maybe a drink or two.”

Harry looked suspiciously at Louis, and he started to get a bit…irritated. “WHAT, Harry." 

“Which friend is this? We’ve got an early day tomorrow, remember. And, I don’t think I’ve ever even seen you have more than one drink." 

Louis rolled his eyes, “This is Brett." Harry’s gaze didn’t change. “Jesus, Harry, we’ve been friends for years. It’s just dinner. I promise I won’t stay out too late, Daddy.”

“This Brett is nice, then?" 

“Yes, lovely!” 

“Then why are you so dressed up?” Harry asked grumpily.

Louis grinned, “Because Brett is bloody gorgeous, and I’ve got to try and keep up." At that Harry looked even grumpier, and then stomped over to his room, walked in and emphatically closed the door. Louis stared at the closed door in bewilderment, and turned to the other lads. “What the hell is wrong with him?”

Liam _hmm’d_ softly, paused, and then said, “I think we all feel a bit protective of you, love, we haven’t seen you going out with someone before. We just want you to be careful, is all.”

Louis burst out laughing, and said “I’ve known Brett for years!Trust me, I won’t be late." He pulled on his fitted leather jacket and headed down to the lobby to have the doorman call him a cab.

When he got to the restaurant, Brett was already there. She stood up and gave Louis a huge hug and kiss, and they immediately started chattering and laughing, as if no time had passed since their last visit. The waiter came to take their drink order, and Louis raised an eyebrow when Brett requested iced tea. “Not going to join me for a glass of wine?" She shook her head and Louis looked at her more closely. She was grinning, and glowing around the edges. Louis caught his breath and said, “Brett? Are you…???" She gave a most un-Brett-like squeal and then cried “YES!I wanted to tell you earlier, but when I heard you were actually going to be here, I knew I had to tell you in person. Oh god, Lou-lou, I’m so thrilled!” Her eyes filled and Louis’s did as well. He knew how much she had wanted this, and how long she’d been trying. She also knew his own fears, that he might never be able to achieve that kind of relationship and trust with someone, though he desperately wanted it.

“How far along?” he gasped.

“13 weeks!”She proudly stood up and showed him her flat belly,saying seriously, “I really think I’m starting to show." Louis laid his hands gently on her belly and whispered, “Hey baby!” and could feel a tear trickle down his cheek. “Oh Brett, sweetie. I couldn't be happier for you.How’s Dominik? Is he over the moon?”

The small shadow cleared from her eyes, and he could feel her exhale. She held him tight for a moment, then they sat back down. “He is so, so thrilled. He cannot wait to see you, he’ll be back tomorrow. Any chance we can all meet? We’ve got dinner plans with one of Dominik’s friends from school, could you join us too?” Her smile turned a bit sly, “He’s gorgeous. And single. And quite gay!”

Louis laughed, “and he’s in Austria, and I’m taking a world tour.” He pondered for a moment. “We’re doing some early morning thing tomorrow. Niall is obsessed with  Before Sunrise , so we’re doing some walking tour, literally before sunrise.” He rolled his eyes. “Then they’ve got a photo shoot, and I was planning to do a bit of shopping. Any chance you could come to the hotel late afternoon, we can hang for a bit, then go for dinner?" 

“Sure!Or, hey!Could we all go together?" She looked pleadingly at him, “I’d love to get to know these boys of yours a bit too!”

Louis texted Zayn, who immediately replied, “Sure, sounds great, we’ll get a room at the back for all of us. We all want to meet Brett." He raised an eyebrow at that, but texted back a quick “xox” and put his phone away. 

They spent the rest of the meal catching up, Brett telling Louis all about her work as a teacher, and their baby plans, and grilling him about life on the road with the boys. He ended up drinking more than he had planned, and as they hugged goodbye, Brett looked at him with concern. “You gonna be okay, Louis? I knew I shouldn’t have let you have that last glass of wine!”

Louis honest-to-god giggled and said, “I’m FINE!I’ll go back to the hotel, hang out and sober up a bit before I go to bed. “They hugged again, and he climbed into the taxi on the chorus of plans to meet the next day. He groaned, remembering his early morning wake-up call, and by the time the cab arrived back at the hotel, the last glass of wine had hit him hard. Louis realized that he was actually feeling pretty tipsy. This amused him, so he laughed as he handed his money to the driver, and stumbled out of the cab. He realized that it had started to rain a bit, and he stood in the cool, misty night air, swaying slightly.

“Louis!”He turned as he heard Zayn call his name. Zayn was standing off to the left of the door, smoking, and Louis saw Stan, his bodyguard, standing a few feet away. Zayn threw down his cigarette and walked towards him as Louis wandered over to meet him.

Louis wound his arms around Zayn’s neck and gave him a big grin and a loud smacking kiss. “You’re so pretty, Zayn, it’s criminal!”

Zayn gave Louis his real grin, the one that started slow and sleepy but went all the way up to his eyes, looked at him more closely, and said, “And you, love, are plowed!Thought you weren’t drinking much!” He gave Louis a speculative look and added, “I wasn’t sure if you’d be spending the night with Brett though?”

Louis snickered as he continued to snuggle into Zayn. “Don’t think Brett’s boyfriend would appreciate that!I mean, Dom is adorable, and he does like me…” Louis pondered for a moment and then said, “Nope. He’s not really my type, lovely as he is. And anyway, Zaynie, I had to have that last drink!” Louis pouted a bit, while Zayn laughed silently at him. 

“What’d’ya do, Lou, throw caution to the winds and have a second glass of wine." Louis ducked his head, widened his eyes, and then held up three fingers. “Whoa!You had a 3rd glass? Wow, Louis, living on the edge!”

“But I had to, we were celebrating!One for me, one for Brett, and one for the baby!And OBVIOUSLY Brett couldn’t have one!”

Zayn stared at Louis, confusion clear on his face. “Err, come again love? What? Why couldn’t Brett have one?”

“Because of the baby!” Zayn was obviously still confused, so Louis attempted to snap his fingers at him and said, “Keep up, Zayn!Brett’s pregnant!It took her 3 years, so she doesn’t want to do anything that might jeop…jeapod..” He stumbled a bit over the word, and Zayn couldn’t help but grin, “you know, hurt the baby!”

Zayn leaned back and looked at Louis closely. “Wait, so Brett’s a girl?”

Louis snorted inelegantly, thinking _I really am a bit drunk,_ and said “DUH, Zayn!Boys can’t get pregnant!”He paused for a moment, confused. “Wait, we’ve been on the road a bit, did I miss something? Can boys get pregnant now??" He stared in wide-eyed excitement at Zayn, who burst out laughing and said kindly “No love, not yet.”

“Oh good.” Louis mumbled, “Thought I mighta missed something, I got confused for a moment!”He snuggled back up to Zayn and said sweetly, “You know, Zayn, I’ve been thinking. You’re so pretty!” Louis smooched him again on the cheek, and Zayn shook his head, muttering something that sounded like _plowed_ under his breath, “And you’d be EVEN PRETTIER if you…” Louis paused dramatically, and then said “Quit smoking!”

Zayn frowned. “If you’re going to tell me it’s bad for my health, I do **know** that!I’m not an idiot!”His breath huffed out in irritation, and Louis knew he’d struck a nerve. 

Louis gave him a hurt look and said, “I know, love!” Zayn’s eyebrows raised at that endearment, it wasn't one Louis had ever used with him before. “You’re not an idiot!” Louis thought this over for a moment, and then said, “Well, actually, darlin, you kinda are, sometimes." He heard Stan burst out laughing and waved what he hoped was menacingly in his direction. “You. Are. Not. Helping. Mister. You could stand to get some more sleep and eat a bit better too!”Stan shook his head, laughing loudly. Louis turned back to Zayn, and swayed on his feet for a moment, until Zayn grabbed him and steadied him carefully. “Seriously, Zayn. I know it’s hard, but you’d **feel** so much better! And,” Louis was struck with drunken inspiration, “too much smoking can cause erectile dysfunction!”He was very proud of himself for not stumbling too badly on the word. “Didn’t you know?" Zayn stared at him and said, “What the hell? Really?" Louis nodded knowingly, and said, “Oh yeah, of course!” He gave Zayn’s crotch a friendly pat, and Stan choked, while Zayn grabbed Louis’s hand. Louis swiveled his eyes back around at Stan, and glared silently at him before turning back to Zayn. “Totally. I’m sure you want your parts in good working order!Most of us do, far as I can tell” 

Zayn brought Louis back to the topic at hand, and whispered, “really Louis, dys…function?" Louis waved his hands airily and thought that it was possible that he had read that somewhere, so he might not actually evenbe lying, and said, “Oh sure!Google it!”He laid his head on Zayn’s shoulder, and said again, “You’re just so, so pretty, Zayn!The prettiest boy I know!” 

Zayn rubbed Louis’s back, and said, “C’mon Lou, let’s get you inside." He glanced past Louis, and a look of relief crossed his face. “Oh thank Christ, there’s Harry. HARRY!HEY HARRY!” 

Louis swiveled around in Zayn’s arms and waved enthusiastically to Harry, almost knocking himself over in the process. “HARRY!” he shouted, “HEY!HARRY! ARE YOU TALKING TO ME AGAIN??" Harry had clearly been out walking for a while. His coat was damp and his curly hair was out of control from the rain in the air. He still looked…Louis didn’t know, angry, but also seemed surprised to see Zayn and Louis together. He walked up, and before Zayn could say anything, said, “Well, this looks cozy.” He raised an eyebrow and added, “Didn’t think we’d see you ’til tomorrow, Louis.”

Louis stared at him. “What the hell, Zayn said that too. Where else would I be??”

Zayn leaned past Louis and grabbed Harry’s arm. “We had it wrong, mate. Brett’s a girl." There seemed to be some significance there that Louis was missing, but he shrugged and said happily, “Yup!The prettiest girl!Brett’s so pretty!And pregnant, Harry!I’m gonna be an uncle!”Tension that Louis hadn’t even realized was on Harry’s face disappeared, and he suddenly looked much happier. He smiled, and Louis smiled happily back. Harry then looked more closely at Louis, swaying gently in Zayn’s arms, and started to laugh. 

“Why, Dr. Tomlinson, I do believe you’re drunk.”

Louis burst out in delighted laughter. “Yup! Had to have a drink for me, a drink for Brett, and a drink for the baby!!” He leaned over to Harry and whispered, “THAT’S THREE DRINKS!”Harry winced and Louis realized that he was shouting. “Oops, sorry, Harry! Gonna be a pretty baby!Brett’s pretty!The prettiest girl I know! Did I tell you that? And isn’t Zayn the prettiest boy you ever saw, Harry?”

By this time, Harry had slung one arm around Louis’s waist, and Zayn was steadying him with an arm over his shoulder, and the two men start to maneuver Louis into the hotel.Louis turned back to Zayn, and went back to their previous conversation, “So, how ‘bout it, Z, m’love!You gonna let me help you with this??" Zayn gave an amused but defeated sigh, while Harry looked at them curiously, and finally said, “Doesn’t seem like I can really stop you now, Louis, can I?” 

“No, not really,” he agreed.

Zayn shook his head, ran his fingers through his hair and said, “Fine. We’ll talk tomorrow when you’re…you know, more sober." Louis gave another laugh. “YAY!” He pulled away from Harry and leapt into Zayn’s arms, wrapping his legs around his waist as he staggered at the impact. Louis ignored the fact that they were in the middle of the lobby, and that (as he sadly learned later) there was a family with two teenage girls who were eagerly filming the whole thing. He gave Zayn yet another smooch. “Yay!Harry, hey!Guess what! Zayn’s gonna quit smoking!”Harry stared in amazement, and shook his head, laughing. Louis leaned back and Harry grabbed him before he fell to the floor. “You’re amazing, Louis, you really are. I never thought I’d see the day.”

Stan moved between them and the family, and said tersely, “We need to get this upstairs, guys. This is gonna be all over youtube in about 5 minutes.”

As they headed to the elevator, something else occurred to Louis, and he swiveled his head around try to focus on Harry. “Hey, hey! Hey, Harry?”

Harry was clearly trying not to laugh as he answered, “Yes, Lou?”

“How come you never kiss me?”

There was a moment of stunned silence from all three men, and then a suspicious sounding cough from Zayn, as Harry turned to stare at Louis. 

“You never do, you know? All the other boys give so many smooches, which I never even thought I'd ever like, but I DO! And you never do!  So, I was just wondering why? You know, thought I’d ask.”

Harry sighed, and Zayn muttered, “it’s a fair question, mate. Oof.” It sounded like Harryhad whacked him on the back with the arm that was around Louis.

“Fine,” Harry grumbled, and as they waited for the elevator, he pressed a quick kiss to Louis’s temple. “Satisfied?”

Louis pondered this and then said, “No, not really, but it’ll do for now.”

Harry grimaced while Zayn smirked. They were back to standing with Louis between Zayn and Harry. Louis was grinning happily and singing softly to himself.As they exited the elevator, Louis chirped happily, “Wanna hang out with you guys!I can’t go to bed just yet!”He danced down the hallway to their door, and the other men followed. 

Zayn yawned and said, “I may go to bed, Louis, I’m tired. Need my beauty sleep." Louis waggled his eyebrows at him and reminded him, “You don’t need any beauty sleep!Remember, Zayn, you are the prettiest boy I know!”  


“Hey!” said Harry in mock outrage, as they headed into living room, “What about me? I thought **I** was the prettiest boy you knew!”Harry and Louis plopped down onto the couch and waved to Zayn as he headed into the room he shared with Liam. Stan and Harry exchanged glances, and then Harry gave a nod and jerked his head towards the door. Stan nodded back, gave Louis a wave as he blew him a kiss, and then Harry and Louis were alone in the darkened living room.

Louis snuggled into the couch and looked thoughtfully (he hoped) at Harry. “You’e gorgeous, Harry, you know that." Harry turned to face him and their eyes locked, and Louis realized his hand was reaching up to brush Harry’s face. Louis traced his cheekbones gently. Harry’s eyes were glued to Louis’s as he trailed his fingertips along Harry’s eyebrows. “Such beautiful eyes, Harry.” 

Inside his head, Louis was shouting to himself, _what are you doing, you idiot!? He’s not even gay, why isn’t he pulling away, what is going on???_

Louis brushed back Harry’s damp curls, and then ran his hand over Harry’s sharp jaw, feeling his evening scruff. Harry went absolutely still, barely breathing, and leaned slightly into his touch. When Louis’s fingers moved to Harry’s mouth and traced the outline of his lips, Harry’s eyes widened, and Louis felt him take a deep shuddering breath. “Lou…” he whispered, and Louis pressed his fingers against Harrys’ beautiful lips and said _shhh_. “Not just pretty, Harry. You’re beautiful. So, so beautiful. Yeah, Zayn is gorgeous too, but you, Harry….you’re dangerous." Harry’s eyes narrowed at this, and he quirked one eyebrow at Louis. 

“Dangerous how?" Louis reluctantly pulled his hand back from Harry’s face, looked away, and then glanced sideways up at him. “You just…take my breath away." Louis don’t realize what he’s said until he heard the words, which seemed to hang in the space between the two men.

They stared at each other, frozen in time,and Louis could hear his heartbeat thundering in his ears. It lasted only a moment, but it felt like forever. Harry opened his mouth and murmured, “What the hell, Louis.” He started to say something else, but then the door was slammed open, and Niall and Alberto stumbled in, arms around each other, loudly singing some Irish drinking song. Harry and Louis leapt apart, and the moment was gone.

Louis stood up, suddenly feeling awkward and tired. “I, uh…I’m gonna go grab some water and go to bed." He quickly hugged Niall, saying “You guys should do the same - early morning, remember?” and glanced back at Harry who was still sitting frozen on the couch, staring at him, his eyes glowing green in the low light of the room. Louis gave a little wave, headed into his room, and shut the door.

The next morning, when Louis woke up, there was a glass of water and a couple of ibuprofen on his bedside table, and a note from Liam.  

> Hey Louis, no one was up for Niall’s walking tour this morning, especially Niall, so we postponed it to Sunday, and everyone’s sleeping in. Photo shoot thing is 11-4, then meeting your friends here 5:30? Figured we could do some drinks in the suite, then all head out to dinner. Text me when you’re up!xo -Li

Louis stretched and looked at his phone. It was almost 10:00, which meant he had slept for well over 10 hours. He felt loose and rested, and considering the 3 glasses of wine, not bad at all. There was a text from Harry sent at 2:00 in the morning; all it said was, “Lou." Louis ignored it, and quickly let Liam know that he was up and about to leave for the hotel pool to swim laps. Liam texted back that he and Zayn were at the gym, and added, “Z told me you talked him into trying to quit the fags. THANK YOU!!! xox”Louis sent back a quick “xox” and a smile.

He got changed into his plain swim trunks and a t-shirt, to head down to the pool. He’d always gone to the water when he was sad, scared, or confused. There was something about the silence underwater, and the physical work of swimming, that had always given him the courage to face his innermost fears. As he swam, he thought long and hard about that charged moment last night. Being honest with himself, he had to admit that by that point, he wasn’t that drunk. Just tipsy enough to be bold. That he’d wanted to touch Harry’s mouth since the first moment he’d saw him at that restaurant on Newbury Street. That as he’d gotten to know Harry, he’d come to realize what a truly amazing person he was. Gorgeous, sure, but so much more. Funny, caring, sensitive, kind. Thoughtful. Harry noticed things, he paid attention. He seemed so much older than 23. When the realization hit him, he gasped, forgetting that he was under water and ended up taking in a lungful of the pool. Coughing and choking, he made his way to the shallow end, and pulling himself out onto the side of the pool, he sat until he caught his breath.

_Dammit,_ he breathed, _God DAMN it._ He was falling for Harry Styles. Not only was Harry way too famous and too young, he was also…not a client, Louis thought. He realized that he had no idea what the professional boundaries were now, and made a note to get in touch with his mentor from BU to talk to someone about this.

After his swim, Louis carefully wrapped his towel high around his waist to go back to his room and get dressed. Once there, he showered quickly, and then grabbed his things and left, hoping to avoid seeing the boys before they departed for their photo shoot. They’d invited him along, but he’d cheerfully declined. “I don’t need to spend the day watching you lot laze around looking gorgeous. Besides, I need to go shopping!” He was running low on toiletries, and even though hotels provided them, he’d always preferred his own products. He was looking forward to getting out, doing some shopping, maybe getting some new clothes. The suite was silent as he fled for the door.

Louis thoroughly enjoyed himself out and about. He found some slightly funkier clothes, and thoughtbriefly about going clubbing, maybe even trying to pull and get Harry out of his head. There was nothing to be gained by longing for a straight guy, even though Louis was quite sure Harry was not the womanizer the popular press made him out to be.  He shoved away the thought of _I'm not so sure he's a straight as the media claims either._  He found some gorgeous silk boxers and vests that would supplement his wardrobe. He’d always been a sucker for silks against his skin. They were so impractical but felt so lovely. He found a specialty shop with handmade products, and splurged on some new shower gel and shampoo. His friends had teased him for being a bit of a metrosexual, to which he’d haughtily replied, “darlings, I’m a full-blown, HOMOSEXUAL, and self-care is part of my culture.”

When he got back to the suite, he dropped his bags in his room, noting the silence that indicated the boys were not back from their shoot. He glanced at his watch, almost 3:30, they’d be back within an hour or so. He decided to wait to get ready for dinner, and curled up on the couch to read. His eyes grew heavier and heavier, until at last  he succumbed to the inevitable, laid down his Kindle, and let himself sink down into sleep. 

He wasn’t sure how much later it was when he was awoken up by the door opening and the sound of male voices laughing. He heard someone cut off mid-sentence and say, “Sh, lads, Louis’s asleep on the couch." He rolled over and stretched, saying, “No, I’m up…kind of." He sat up a bit and blinked owlishly at the guys as he tried to wake his brain up. “What time is it? How was the shoot?”

Liam checked his watch. “It’s about 4:15. Shoot was good but turned out to be a lot of work!They had us doing all kinds of crazy things!” He rubbed his shoulders, and asked, “Are your friends still coming at 5:30?" 

Louis grabbed his phone and checked. “Shoot, no. Brett says something’s come up, but they’ll meet us at the restaurant at 7.”

“Great, that gives us some time to chill out before we head out.”

“Sounds good!” Louis yawned. “I had a great shopping trip, but I’m tired. I need to wake up! Did so much walking." Niall plopped down next to Louis on the couch, and as was typical for this low-boundary band, picked Louis’s legs up, draped them over his lap, and immediately started to tickle his feet. 

Louis shouted, squirmed, and hit him with a pillow. “Jesus, Niall, what the hell?" They wrestled for a minute until Harry said, “Hey, Niall, c’mere a sec." As soon as Niall stood up to see what Harry wanted, Harry dropped down into Niall’s seat and grabbed Louis’s legs, wrestling them into position. Niall grumbled and Harry smirked, and shoved him off the back of the couch. Louis tried to ignore the thrill in his chest, and the awareness of Harry’s big hands on his legs. _Professional, right, Louis?_ He thought to himself, realizing that there was nothing remotely professional about this situation right now.

Giving up, Louis sighed and leaned back against the couch. “Did you have a good shoot, too, Harry?" He nodded, looking a bit tired and somewhat distant. 

“Yeah, it was fun. Hopefully they got some good shots so we don’t have to redo any of it. It was in the middle of bloody nowhere!Pretty though.” His eyes fixed on Louis’s. “Wish you’d been there, you’d have loved it. Very photogenic." He didn’tseem to be thinking about what he was doing as he picked up one of Louis’s feet and started rubbing it absentmindedly. Louis reflected again on how comfortable he’d gotten with physical touch with all of the boys. Not that he was stand-offish, he’d had too much therapy for that to still be the case, but it was very unusual for him to get this close to anyone, _particularly a straight guy_ , he pointed out to himself.

Harry looked over at him, and said “worry line, Louis, get out of your head." Louis glared at him and said “How is it possible that you read me so well?" Harry’s long fingers worked tirelessly on the ball of his foot as he held Louis’s gaze for a second. “Cuz I pay attention, Lou.” He glanced down at Louis’sfeet in his lap, and said, “How is it possible you have muscle knots in your feet!?”

Harry hit a particularly sensitive spot, and Louis let out a groan. “I walked a lot today, probably wasn’t wearing the right shoes.” At the sound of Louis’s moan, Harry went absolutely still. He quickly stood up, dropping Louis’s legs back on the couch and said, “Err, I’ve got to…something in my room, yeah.” Flushing, he hurried off. Niall plopped back down, took one look at Louis’s confused face and burst out laughing.

“What?” Louis griped. “Seriously, what was that? I get that not all straight guys are comfortable being physically close with another guy, but he started it!” At his statement, all three of the boys stared at him in confusion, and baffled, Louis stared back.

“Err…” said Zayn awkwardly, “um, yeah, I don’t think that’s an issue for Harry.” 

Mystified, Louis dropped the subject, and they all continued chatting about the antics on the photo shoot.

That night, Louis, the boys and their security met up with Brett, Dominick, and Dominick’s hot, single, and apparently very gay friend, Lukas. They were seated at a long table in a private room in the back of the restaurant, where Louis was sat between Brett and Lukas. Harry was on the other side of the table, a couple of people down from Louis, who continued to feel acutely aware of him after that morning’s revelation, and found his eyes returning to Harry again and again. 

They had a delicious dinner of classic Austrian cuisine, though Louis was aware of a weird undercurrent. Lukas and he were chatting enthusiastically. It turned out that Lukas knew Boston well, having gone to law school at Harvard, so they talked about shared experiences. He was really cute, and single, and Brett kept nudging Louis, but somehow…there was no spark. At least not for Louis. He couldn’t help glancing over at Harry, though most of the times when he did, Harry was chatting away to Niall who was on the other side of him, but every once and a while, out of the corner of his eye, Louis would catch Harry staring back at him.

After dinner, the whole group decided to go to some awesome karaoke bar that Lukas knew, which was just a couple of blocks from the restaurant. Harry was walking just ahead of him as Lukas made his way to Louis’s side. Lukas said quietly, “Louis, it was really great to meet you. Brett’s been telling me so much about you." Louis turned his head quickly to make eye contact with Brett, giving her the “What the hell did you tell him?” look, to which she replied with a quick “Nothing, don’t worry” shake of her head. Relieved, he looked at Lukas, who was looking a bit nervous. “Err, I know you’re in the middle of this tour thing, but maybe, you could come back and spend more time here later? With me?" Louis stared at him, and realized that Lukas could see the answer in his eyes before he even know what he was going to say. Before he could help himself, Louis’s gaze moved back over to Harry, whose shoulders were hunched up around his ears, even his back looked angry. Lukas followed his eyes, and then glanced back at Louis in understanding.He fell back to walk with Dominik, and Louis cursed himself for being an idiot. Harry moved quickly ahead so he could chat with Liam, and Louis was left alone with his thoughts for a moment.

At the karaoke bar, they all did a shot to try and loosen up, and then looked around to get signed up to sing. It turned out that wasn’t necessary; it was a quiet night, and they were the only group singing. The boys decided that they would sit this round out, and went to get beers. Brett and Dominik went first, butchering a love ballad. Louis loved them both dearly, but neither could sing their way out of a paper bag. Lukas went next, he had a lovely tenor voice and sang a rockin’ version of “Sweet Child O’ Mine." Then it was Louis’s turn. Brett and he had used to do karaoke together, so he headed up and picked his signature song, “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.”

The boys were laughing hysterically and cheering him on. Then Lukas joined him and whispered a suggestion in Louis’s ear, to which he grinned and nodded in agreement. They sang “Summer Lovin” and he had to admit, their voices did blend well together as they both camped it up. Zayn looked delighted as he sang along, and Harry…looked furious. _Hmmm._ Lukas sat down and called out, “Louis! Do another!”The boys hooted and hollered enthusiastically, and Liam said loud enough that Louis could hear, “Lads, he really can sing." The shot had hit him, and he had a moment of inspiration as he scrolled through the play list of options. Did he dare? He snuck a peek at Harry’s grumpy face, and even though he had no idea what was pissing the other man off, he had a sudden longing to see Harry smile. Even the other boys had noticed his grumpy face and were giving him the “what the fuck?” look.

“Okay,” Louis announced, “One more." He queued it up, and the music started. As the guitar came in, the boys all stared at him, and then one by one, they started to grin as Louis sang, “Your hand fits in mine, like it’s made just for me, but bear this in mind, this was meant to be." Liam leapt up, and joined in on the harmony, and one by one, the others did as well, letting Louis take the lead. All except Harry. His eyes were fixed on Louis, though, and try as he might, Louis couldn’t look away, and ended up singing the song to him. “But if it’s true, it’s you, it’s you they add up to, and I’m in love with you…and all your little things." Their voices trailed off, and Louis realized that all the patrons were staring, and many were recording, as they'd realized who was singing. Brett was looking at Louis, then at Harry, and then back at Louis, and when he caught her eye, she just gave him a loving smile and a thumbs up.

 

The following week, Niall was struggling a bit, as the girl he’d been casually seeing had called off their romance, citing the distance, and they spent a lot of time talking about relationships. Louis tended to keep his own past to himself, and one day, Niall called him on it.

They were sitting around the suite living room, talking about last night’s show and the girl who’d thrown her bra up on stage for Niall, who’d promptly put it on. “I thought it looked right cheerful, mates!”

Louis snorted, “I’m not sure black lace really fits your personality, Noodle, you seem like more of an animal print kinda guy.”

“Why, Louis,” Niall wiggled his eyebrows at him, “You jealous?”

Louis grinned, “Of what, good sir, the bra, or the offer from the girl?

There is a sudden silence from the boys and then, “Oi, Lou, out with it." 

“Umm, with what?” he asked, confused.

“It's just, that’s the first time you’ve made any sort of joke or even referred to dating about yourself!” exclaims Niall. “C’mon, you know everything about us!” (Louis heard Harry mutter, “not quite everything,” and filed that away with everything else to think about later). Liam nodded and Zayn said, “Well, you know, we’re just…curious.”

“Um.” Louis stared at the ground for a second, and tried to kick his frozen brain into gear. “Well, I guess there’s not a lot to tell. I just…I dunno, I’ve dated casually, but I guess I just haven’t…” his voice trailed off as the boys all gathered around, and he gave a small smile, “I just haven’t met that person who takes my breath away, you know.”

Louis froze as he remembered the previous week, when he’d had a bit too much too drink, and Harry had teased him that he didn’t think Harry was as beautiful as Zayn. Louis’s own words rang in his ears, _Yeah, Zayn_ ** _is_** _beautiful…but you, Harry….you’re dangerous._ He remembered glancing sideways up at Harry as he’d continued, _You just…take my breath away._ Their eyes met, and Louis knew Harry was remembering the same conversation.

Louis finally glanced away and caught Liam looking quizzically, first at him and then at Harry, and then nodding slightly to himself. Zayn also noticed, coughed and then, in an attempt to break the tension that had sprung up, wiggled his eyebrows at Louis and said, “But Louis…I notice you only say ‘person’, love, are we talking the big D or the big V?" Louis stared at him baffled for a moment and then realized what he meant and cracked up.

“I’d say pretty much just the big D. I did try out the V in college,” the boys all looked surprised, and Louis realized that his sexuality was possibly not as much of a secret as he had thought, and then he noticed Niall giving him a long, speculative look with a small grin on his face, before glancing over at Harry. When Harry noticed this, he muttered, “Oi” and elbowed Niall hard, who collapsed onto Zayn. “What?” Louis protested, “I hadn’t had a lot of opportunity to explore…you know, THINGS, until I got to college!!So yeah, Brett and I got drunk one night, one thing led to another…” Louis gave a dramatically romantic sigh and the boys snickered. “To be honest, she figured it out before I did. We woke up the next morning, she gave me a big kiss and said, ‘sweetie, don’t you think you’re too gay to be sleeping with girls?’ And that was kinda it.”

“Brett?” said Niall, glancing up with interest, “Wait, Brett from last week? Karaoke? Super hot? Shite singer?" 

“Yes, Niall, and she’s got a super hot boyfriend, AND…pregnant, remember?”

“Oh yeah,” Niall collapsed disappointedly in a heap again, “So, she probably wouldn’t be up for a threesome with you and me then, eh?”

“Yeah, probably not,” Louis agreed sympathetically while Harry just shook his head in amused disgust.

“But wait,” said Zayn, “does that mean…” he looked delighted, as if he knew he was about to step well over a line, but couldn’t care less, “so, how long’s it **been** then, Louis, since…you know?”

“Um…” Louis shifted a bit uncomfortably and then gave him a cheeky smile. “You know, quite some time…with someone else." The boys all stared at him, as if not quite believing that he’d actually gone there. “I mean, you know what they say, boys." He couldn't quite keep a straight face as he continued with a sassy grin, “if you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself.”

Figuring that was as good an exit line as he was going to get, he stood up and said “Right. I’m off to bed,” as Liam and Zayn just grinned, Niall snickered to himself, and Harry…well, Harry just locked eyes with Louis again, until all of a sudden, he was blushing, and turning away, telling himself that he was not running away, knowing full well that he was.

 

Several days later, Louis was standing in his underwear with his back to the door, looking through his trunk, trying to figure out what to wear. They had a group sightseeing trip planned for the morning, and then the boys had to get in some serious studio time in the afternoon. Management was screaming at how far behind they were, but they all insisted that they’d never been better, and the writing for the new album was going really well. Louis and Zayn had written a spectacular ode to pickles, and he, Niall and Louis had recorded it last week. Niall was hopeful it would make the album, “At least as part of the bonus content, Lou, I guarantee it!”Louis snorted to himself as he thought about it.

Trying to pick something out, Louis remembered one of his favorite old band t-shirts that was currently packed up at home, and felt a bit of a pang. He’d been almost too busy, so completely thrust into this new life, to miss his old one, but every once and a while he’d get a text from Kate or Amy, or see something that somehow reminded him of Cambridge, and he’d get a funny little ache in his chest. 

He heard a commotion outside his door and then Harry yelled, “Jesus Christ, Louis, if you’re standing there trying to decide which bloody camera to bring” as he threw the door to Louis’s bedroom open.

Shit.

_ Oh shit. Shit shit shit shit SHIT. _

Louis whirled around, totally unmindful of the fact that he was clad only in his boxer briefs, but clearly he wasn’t fast enough. Harry was staring at him, and had gone deathly white. And silent. He'd seen. _Oh shit shit shit_.

Harry started to walk towards him. “Louis. Jesus. Oh my god.”

Louis held out his hand, palm facing Harry. “Stop.” He whispered. 

He froze immediately. “But, your back. Louis, what the hell?" Harry was staring at him in total confusion. Louis shook his head, not trusting his voice in that moment.

Harry continued to look at Louis for a moment, and then his whole face just…closed down. He gave a small shake of his head, and turned to walk out the door. He paused with his back to Louis, and then said quietly, “When you’re ready…I’ll be here,” and walked out the door.

Louis’s legs collapsed and he sank to the bed, shaking. How on earth could he have forgotten? While Harry had not explicitly come out to him, Louis knew the signs of attraction, and whether or not Harry was out anywhere else, there was definitely a spark between them. For so many reasons, Louis knew that starting something with Harry would be a terrible idea, but this was the biggest one. Harry didn’t even know how much he didn’t know, and Louis was not sure he could bear to tell him, tell them all. What the hell was he going to do?

He somehow pulled on some clothes, and got his things together. As he walked out of the suite, he saw all of the other boys all in the hall, looking confused. Liam saw him, did a double take and said, “Louis? Are you okay? What is it? Did something happen with Harry??”

Louis was confused. “Why would you say that, Li?”

Liam met his eyes. “Because Harry just came out of your room looking like someone punched him in the balls, muttered that he felt like shit and wasn’t going. Are you coming?”

Louis knew that if he stayed, he would only break, and he just couldn’t. Damn it, he’d been looking forward to this trek for days, and he was not going to let anything, not his past, not Harry Styles, get in the way of being present for it.

He swallowed, probably audibly, and then took a deep breath, and said firmly “Nope, I’m all in.” He managed to give a fair imitation of a smile, and continued, “Let’s go.”

When they got back to the hotel that afternoon, Harry was there, and things seemed…not back to normal, but better. He gave Louis a long look and then hugged him, and Louis breathed a sigh of relief. Harry didn’t ask Louis again what happened.

 

Louis was heading to the gym with the boys. “It’s not morning,” He grumbled as he stumbled sleepily onto the bus. “It’s 4-fucking-o’clock, that’s the middle of the night. Why are we doing this? Hell, I know why you are all doing this, this is the only time you have. Why am I doing this?”

The boys climbed in after him. “Because you want to see our sweaty, half-naked bodies, yeah?" mumbled Niall.

“And they’re opening the gym for us,” Zayn reminded him. “So we can workout in peace." 

They were meeting the rest of the team there. Louis tossed his bag and yoga mat down, slumped into his seat, and pulled his hat (Liam’s hat, actually, he realized) down over his eyes and muttered “Wake me when we get there.”

They arrived in about 20 minutes, and headed into the warm, brightly lit building. The gym was large and open. There was a Nautilus circuit in the back, and then different areas separated by cement floor. There was a free weights section, an area with cardio machines, a matted area that Louis could use for yoga, and, he noted with interest, a boxing ring with heavy bags right beside. They all got to work.

Louis ran next to Zayn on the treadmill for bit. Zayn swore at him, “I. Am. Fucking. Dying. For. A. Smoke." Louis grinned and said, “I am so, so proud of you, Zayn. Quitting smoking is SO hard. I’ve had people who know tell me, it’s easier to get off heroin than smokes. But you’re going to feel so amazing!”Zayn blushed a bit at the praise while continuing to throw him a dirty look. “It’s all your fault. I cannot believe I let you talk me into this.”

“I know,” Louis said sympathetically. “I get that a lot.”

He heard someone burst into laughter behind him, and he saw Harry snickering as he walked over to the weights. After Louis’s run, he head to the matted area for some yoga. It felt great to be able to practice not all cramped up on a hotel floor, and he let himself sink in and enjoy the poses. When he felt all stretched out and loose, he did some pushups, and then grabbed his gym bag, and wandered past the weight area on his way to the heavy bags. He took in the sight of his guys, as he’d come call them in his head, all sweaty and lifting hard, and, he had to admit, the view was lovely. He was particularly admiring Liam’s bum as he did squats, when Liam totally busted him staring.

“Oi!” he huffed, “stop looking at me bum!”

“But it’s so lovely!” Louis grinned back at him and said, “Okay, okay, I’m gonna go work the bags for a bit.”

He started with some punching and then moved to kicking. He saw Jake, one of the trainers, out of the corner of his eye, and paused to look inquiringly at him as he walked up to Louis. “What’s your training, Louis?”

Louis replied, “I’ve studied Uechi Ryu karate since I was…about 15.”

That sparked Jake’s interest. “No way!I practice too! What rank are you?" Louis was surprised, it was not the most popular of styles, but his parents had found an amazing dojo where he was able to learn all the things he needed to know. 

“I earned my brown belt a year and a half ago, and was sort of hoping to test for black in the winter, but that’s obviously delayed now. You?" They chatted karate and went through a couple of katas together. Jake was clearly very good, and confirmed that he just recently had attained his 2nd degree black belt.

Louis saw Niall watching them, who then shook his head. “I know you say you can’t do everything, Louis, but…I dunno. Now it turns out you’re a ninja too? So, you really could kick our asses if you wanted to!Where the hell do you find time to learn all this stuff?”

Louis snorted. “For one thing, Niall, I haven’t had much of a social life in a while…and…I don’t sleep much." He looked away when he said this, not wanting to comment further. So many nights when he was awake and unable to sleep for fear of screaming nightmares, he’d turn to activity or studying to help him through. “I always…I just…I wanted to be able to protect myself.”

Jake said, “Hey, do you want to do some sparring, in the ring? Just light contact?”

Louis thought for a minute and then say, “Sure!” He pulled his mouthguard out of his bag, while Jake went to get his, and they found padded headgear next to the ring. Louis pulled on his sparring gloves and climbed into the ring. He didn’t realize that the gym had gone quiet as everyone came over to see the match until he looked up. The boys were looking amused at the idea of Louis going against Jake, who was well over 6’, and a solid muscular guy.

“You think you can take him?” asked Liam with interest, and Louis remembered that he’d done some boxing.

Louis shook his head and laughed, “In a fair fight? No way. He’s got the weight and reach on me. But in sparring…I don’t know. Probably not honestly, he does outrank me.”

Jake and Louis circled each other for a bit. Jake moved in with a punch, which Louis blocked and countered. As they continued, they began to figure out each other’s strengths and weaknesses. They were not hitting hard, but they weren’t going easy either. Louis moved the wrong way as Jake struck, and took a hard punch to the arm.

“Mother fucker!” Louis burst out laughing, “damn it Jake, that’s gonna bruise!”Jake just grinned, but Louis could feel the concern from the watchers around them. “It’s part of the practice guys, don’t worry.”

Louis knew the clock was ticking down. He tried an ambitious kick, which Jake caught, and threw, turning Louis to the side. Jake then moved in, hooked his leg through Louis’s, and took him down with a thud, landing on top of him, pinning his hands above his head. Louis caught a movement out of the corner of his eye, but couldn’t see who made it. The two men made eye contact and Jake smiled a bit smugly. “Gotcha,” Louis thought. All of a sudden, he swept his hands down to his sides, breaking Jake’s grip. He immediately tightened his fingers, and brought his hands up to jab into Jake’s armpits as Jake shrieked and tried to regain his balance. Louis then bent his knees and pushed them up, keeping his feet on the floor, and popped his hips up as he rolled Jake over, and threw a punch to his face that he pulled at the last moment.

The cheering was loud as Jake and Louis both flopped onto their back to catch their breaths. Jake smiled, and said, “that was great!Let’s do it again, okay?” He jumped up and gave Louis a hand as he scrambled to his feet, wiping the sweat off his face.

“Sounds good." Louis felt a bit exhilarated. “C’mon boys, back to work, show’s over!” yelled the other trainer and the boys headed back to the weights. Niall gave Louis a thumbs-up and a proud pat, “that was feckin’ amazing, Louis, I can’t believe how you did that!

 

The band were coming to the end of the European leg of the tour. The final show had been the previous night. They’d all decided to stay in Italy for a couple of days, and then would head back to London for a day or two, before making the trek to California to start the Western US leg of the tour, before heading out to the Middle East for the last few shows of the tour. Louis couldn’t wait. He was so excited to see his parents, and it turned out that Amy would be flying into Heathrow and staying over one of the same nights he would be there, so he was planning to spend as much time with her as he could. The boys and Louis had all gone out that evening, but the others had decided to go clubbing, while Louis came back and went to bed. He’d had a bit of a cold and was still a bit tired, still taking it easy. Clad only in boxers, he snuggled in and slept for a while, but excitement at knowing he’d be heading, if not quite home, at least to family, the day after tomorrow woke him up, and he lay sleepily in the dark, thinking about what he needed to get done the next day. All of a sudden his phone went off, and he realized he’d forgotten to silence it. He grabbed it from the bedside table, and looked. A text from Harry.

> :Louis.

> : _What?_
> 
> :You up?
> 
> : _I am now. :)_
> 
> :Need to talk to you.
> 
> : _You okay?_
> 
> : Need you. Need to talk. 
> 
> : _Are you drunk?_
> 
> :NO!Well, yes. But still.
> 
> : _Where are you?_
> 
> :Outside your door.

Jesus. Louis put the phone down, debated pulling on a shirt, but then pulled himself out of bed, walked over to open the door and look out. Harry was sitting on the floor, with his bodyguard standing by. “Hey Christopher,” Louis greeted him, “What’s up?" The bodyguard said, “Harry just wanted to talk to you. You need any help?”

Louis eyed Harry, who smiled goofily up at him, laughed, and said “Nah, you head to bed, I think I can get it from here.” Harry waved to his body guard, stood up and almost pitched into the wall. “Hey!” he said, the hurt evident in his voice, “Who put that wall there?!”Christopher looked at Louis, who just rolled his eyes and said, “Come on in, Harry, let Christopher go to bed.”

“Night, Christopher!” 

“G’night Harry, sleep soon, okay?”

Harry came in, and stared around him. The room was dark, barely lit by a small light in the corner. He stood with his back to the bed, his eyes wide in the darkness of the room. Louis moved towards him, getting a bit concerned now. “Harry, what’s up, are you okay? How much have you been drinking?”

Harry snickered, “Drank some. Then some more. Enough to be brave, not enough to puke." He looked extremely proud of himself with this statement. "But really not that much now."

“Harry,” Louis said in exasperation, “it’s 2:30 in the morning, what’s so urgent that you needed to talk now?”

“Was thinking about what you said that time…” Harry’s voice trailed off and then he started again. “That time when you said…you said that I’m beautiful. And dangerous. And that I take your breath away. And you asked me why I never kiss you like the other boys do.”

Louis took a deep breath, wondering just how drunk Harry was. Should they have this conversation now? How much was this going to change things? “Harry, I know I’d been drin-“

Harry cut him off. “No, Louis. Wanna tell you. You’re too far away though. C’mere, kay?” As Louis walked towards him, Harry swayed suddenly, and as Louis reached out to steady him, he tumbled backwards on to the bed Louis had just gotten out of, pulling Louis with him so he fell too, landing on top of Harry.

They both froze, and then Harry’s arms slowly came up around Louis, as if giving him time to pull away. Louis couldn't quite make himself do it, though, pressed so firmly against Harry’s strong, warm body. His brain stuttered and a voice started screaming in his mind, _this is stupid, this is a mistake, this is a boundary you should NOT be crossing wrong wrong wrong!_ but it felt right, oh so right, and he just couldn’t quite make his mouth say the words, or his body move. That other small still voice inside, that wretched traitor said, _maybe it’s just that he’s drunk._ Harry’s hands wandered familiarly over the bare skin of Louis’s back and suddenly Louis remembered and stiffened a bit. The slight movement seemed to break through Harry’s haze, and he looked up briefly at Louis, and then rolled over, taking Louis with him, so Louis was on his back, and Harry was resting between Louis’s legs, holding himself up over Louis’s prone body. Their eyes met and held, and Louis knew that Harry was remembering when he had seen the scars on Louis’s back, when Louis had refused to give him an explanation.

“That better?” Harry asked, so gently, that tears prickled in Louis’s eyes.

“Harry…” Louis murmured softly, “This is…probably…we probably shouldn’t…”

Harry shook his head, “No. Not a mistake. He suddenly pressed his forehead to Louis’s, with an urgency and passion that startled him. Louis heard Harry say his name once, and then again. “Louis. Lou.”

And then it happened. Harry lifted his head up, looked Louis deep in the eyes and said simply, “It’s you, Louis. Only you." Louis stared at him, confused. Harry continued, “You don’t even know, do you, what you do to me. What you **mean** to me. You asked me why I never kiss you. I want to, Lou, but not like the other boys do. What do you say?" Harry gazed at Louis with longing and such hunger, that Louis wondered how he could have been so blind as to miss this before. Sure, he’d had glimpses, but here it was now, out between them.

“So,” he said cautiously, “Unless I am catastrophically misunderstanding…you’re…not straight?”

Harry snorted and said simply, “Hardly. Jesus, Lou, please.”

Louis opened his mouth, intending to say no. Meaning to say no. Needing to say no. 

“Yes.”

The word hung in the air between them, and Louis felt Harry’s sudden, sharp intake of breath. “What?”

“Yes, Harry." And with that, Harry kissed him.

Louis hadn’t been kissed in a while, but he tried to remember how it was done. At first Harry’s mouth touched him so gently, almost reverently, and they stayed like that for a moment or two. As Louis tried to remind himself why they shouldn’t be doing this, his arms lifted almost of their own accord, wrapped around Harry and his fingers tangled in Harry’s curls, and it was like that flipped a switch in both of them. The kiss became harder, more demanding. Harry kissed him as if this was the only thing in the world he could possibly be doing at that moment, all attention focused on Louis. It took his breath away. For a moment, Louis felt dizzy and pulled away, trying to breathe. Harry started to murmur Louis’s name, over and over again, and then his mouth slanted over Louis’s again. He deepened the kiss, and Louis feel Harry’s tongue tangle with his own. He tasted like beer, and peppermint, and some deep taste that was uniquely Harry.

Harry’s mouth moved from Louis’s and started nibbling across his cheek, over his jaw and down his neck. Louis shivered as Harry bit a bit harder on his collarbone, and there was a shot of pure sensation straight from his lips to Louis’s groin. Involuntarily, Louis’s hips rolled against Harry’s, where he was pressed between Louis’s thighs, and if Louis had thought the switch flipped earlier, now he understood that he’d had no idea. 

He moaned, and Harry groaned in response as his hips moved rhythmically against Louis, and Louis could feel the hot, hard length of him through his jeans, pressed against Louis’s own cock, now caught hard between them. Louis’s mind shot back to strip FIFA and the length of Harry’s body, and he moaned again, as Harry continued to kiss his neck.

Harry mumbled, “that’s a good spot, eh?" as he thrust against Louis, who turned his head to give Harry more access in answer. Louis was overwhelmed by the feel of Harry against him. The scent of Harry was surrounding him, and he just couldn’t quite think clearly. He knew they shouldn’t be doing this. _Just one more moment,_ he told himself, _that’ll have to be enough._ Louis was feeling more worked up and, well, hornier than he thought he’d ever felt, and from Harry’s groans and hoarse whispers, Louis thought it was safe to say Harry was right there with him. Louis couldn’t stop, he curled up and started kissing and biting Harry’s neck as his hips continued to meet Harry’s, and he knew he was leaving marks, but he couldn’t help himself, all that mattered was the taste and feel of Harry as Louis moved across his skin. Louis was straining in frustration for something that he'd only read about, never experienced with another person, when all of a sudden Harry went stiff, threw his head back and gave the loudest and most guttural moan Louis had ever heard from him. It looked like his eyes were rolling back in his head, and then he moaned again, Louis’s name this time, and collapsed against him, pinning him to the bed. Louis growled in frustration and let his head fall back onto the mattress.

Harry Styles had just come in his pants.

Harry was dead weight. Louis managed to roll him off of him, and lay there, aching and frustrated, and more than a little irritated. Harry gave a snore, and murmured “Louis” sleepily, in a husky voice, and Louis wondered again just how drunk he had been. He started mentally kicking himself. _Jesus, Louis,_ he heard that voice in his head say, _you crossed a boundary. Not okay. He might have started it, but you’re the sober one, you’re an adult, you should have stopped it as soon as it started!I can’t believe this happened._ He covered up his face with his hands, and tried to figure out what to do next. Before he could come up with any plan, though, he fell asleep. 

At one point he woke up, felt Harry wrapped around him, holding him tight, snoring softly in his ear. Trying to ignore the sinking feeling in his gut, he slipped back into sleep. Later, in the pale light of predawn, he felt Harry stir, roll over and then…”Shit." Louis rolled the other way, and pretended he was still asleep. Harry got up, cursed again, and then stilled. Louis felt Harry’s hand trace along his spine for a moment, and then Harry left. The next time Louis woke up, the sun was streaming through the windows, and Louis was alone in the bed. 

He could still smell Harry around him, reminding him that this wasn’t a dream. Louis rolled over and bury his face in the pillow, and groaned. He learned a long time ago though, that the best and bravest way to deal with an unpleasant situation is just to face it. Then, he decided that he was just not brave enough at that moment, and fled instead. After he showered and threw on some clothes, he decide that he needed to get out of the hotel. Grabbing his bag and camera, he headed off to the nearest coffeeshop.

He was sitting and reading when his phone started buzzing. Texts from the boys wondering where he was, from the security guys wondering if he was okay, from Jack reminding that him that they were leaving for London tomorrow and what were his plans? And one from Harry.

> : Don’t know what to say, woke up in your bed. Right mess. So sorry.

Louis took a deep breath, and texted him back. 

> : Nothing to worry about.

When Louis got back to the suite, he and Harry looked at each other for a second, and then when Harry turned away, Louis did as well. They didn't mention the kiss again, and Louis was honestly not sure if Harry even remembered the events that had transpired between them.

 

A couple of weeks later, somewhere on the West Coast of the United States, Louis headed out into the common room, carrying his laundry bag over his shoulder. In this hotel, all of them, including Louis, were in one suite, with security across the hall. Security wasn't thrilled with it, but the guys insisted. They all looked up as he came in.

“Where you off to, Lou-Lou?" asked Liam from where he was lying on the couch, doing a crossword puzzle. 

“The doorman told me there’s a laundromat down the street, and I’m completely out of underwear, so I’m gonna go run a couple of loads and hang out there.”

“Uh, Louis,” said Zayn, “You can just send it out to the hotel, you know that, right?”

“Yeah, but that’s SO expensive. Besides, there’s something kind of zen about sitting in a laundromat, watching your clothes go ‘round.” 

The boys all looked at each other, and then immediately scattered to their rooms. Louis realized what they were doing and shouted, “NO!Absolutely not! That is NOT in my job description!” as they all came out, each carrying an armload of laundry.

“Awww, Louis,” “Please it’d be such a help,”“C’mon love, you’re the best!” They continued on in this vein for a few moments, and then he finally caved under the force of 4 sets of puppy eyes. “Damn it, guys, you know I’m helpless in the face of the puppy eyes. Fine, I’ll do your friggen’ laundry,” he narrowed his eyes and glared at each one of them in succession, “You ALL OWE ME.”

They shoved their laundry into his bag, and he staggered a bit under the extra weight and sighed. He made sure his kindle was in his bag, and grabbed Harry’s beanie off of his head and jammed it onto his own as he walked to the door. Harry howled in protest, but Louis just fixed him with a steely look, and Harry held his hands up in surrender. “Alright, guys, I’ll see you when you get back." They were going to be doing radio promos and a few interviews that day, and would be back later that afternoon. There was no show tonight, and Louis was not sure what, if anything, was planned. _If nothing else,_ he mused as he headed to the elevator, _this experience is really teaching me how to go with the flow._

The laundry ended up taking him longer than he’d expected, so he decided to forego folding it there, and just shoved everything into the bag, and headed back to the hotel. It was quiet when he let himself back into the room. He decided to take a shower then, and figure out appropriate clothes for that night later.

When he was done, he dumped all the laundry onto his bed, and rummaged through, pulling out comfortable sleep pants and a sleeveless vest, which he put on. He set his phone on the bedside table, and pulled out his little portable speaker. High energy music was definitely what was called for when folding laundry. He cranked up the volume and got to work, dancing enthusiastically and singing along as he folded.

It amused him that he was not really sure which clothes belonged to which guy, as they all seemed to steal each other’s things on a regular basis. He finally just piled like items together and figured he’d let them sort it out.

Louis was rockin’ out to some Walk the Moon, when he heard a sound and turned. His door was open wide, and all 4 boys were standing there, watching him in amusement. He grinned at them and continued to dance. Niall immediately joined in, and they sang for a moment as they moved together. When the song was done, as Louis turned off the music, Niall turned to the others. “That’s it. We **really** need to go dancing tonight!”

Louis saw Zayn pale, and walked over to him. “We’ve talked about this, Z. You’re gonna have to face this fear, or else it’ll control you." Louis saw him take a deep breath, and then his eyes met Louis’s.

“Okay, Lou, but..you have to be there with me, okay?”

“Of course. Nowhere I’d rather be." They hugged for a moment, while the others surrounded them, and then Niall gave a fist pump and a cheer. “YAY!We’re going OUT!I know this sick club downtown. It’ll be a blast!”

“Boys!” Louis called above the chatter, “your laundry’s on my bed, go get it. And, I have to say, there’s a disconcerting lack of underpants among your things." 

They decided to do a casual dinner at the hotel, and then Louis headed back to his room to get ready. _Dancing. At a club in Seattle. This calls for...something special._ He nodded decisively, and pulled out the LBJs - the little black jeans. He had to admit, they weren’t the most comfortable item of clothing he owned, but they did amazing things for his butt. And if he secretly hoped to have one Harry Styles drooling as he walked by, well, no one needed to know that but him. He pulled on his dark burgundy t-shirt with the scooped neck that showed of his collarbones to best advantage. Running a comb through his hair, he carefully styled it into a quiff like he’d seen the boys do. A spritz of cologne, and he was done.

As he walked out into the common room, Niall caught a glimpse and gave a loud wolf whistle. “Damn, Lou! You’re pulling out the big guns tonight, huh? You looking to pull?”

At that, Harry coughed loudly, but whatever he muttered was lost beneath Zayn and Liam’s compliments to Louis. All of them were dressed to kill, and Louis felt a pulse of excitement in his belly. It’d been a long time since he’d been out to dance and have fun. While he certainly wasn’t looking to bring anyone back to the hotel, a bit of dirty dancing might be fun, and, he hoped, might help get Harry Styles out of his veins.

They got to the club, and were immediately escorted to the VIP area, an area in the back that was sectioned off with a half-wall. Louis was gazing around him with wide eyes. The lights were flashing, the music was loud and throbbing, and everyone here looked to be a model on the side. They headed to the bar, and grabbed drinks, and sat down for a second on a couch that was far too comfy. Louis looked over at Zayn, who was looking a bit panicked but holding it together. Louis tossed back his champagne (wondering if that was perhaps not entirely professional, but he then acknowledged that that ship had sailed long ago). He stood up and pointed at Zayn. “You and me, on the dance floor, now.”

Zayn stared at him. “C’mon, Z,” Louis said, holding out his hand, “It’s okay. Show yourself it’s true, you’re safe. You’re okay. Come and dance with me.”

Zayn sighed, and darted a glance at Liam, who just gave an encouraging nod, so Zayn accepted Louis’s hand to pull him to standing, and they headed past the VIP bouncer to the dance floor. It was full but not so crowded that they couldn’t move, and they made their way out onto the floor. It took a few moments, but Zayn started to loosen up, moving with the music. He held onto Louis, and they danced closely together. It was not sexy, but it was definitely more sensual than Louis had experienced in a while, _since that night with Harry,_ his treacherous mind reminded him, as Zayn’s hands slid to Louis’s hips and they moved in unison.

“Damn, Z,” Louis leaned into him so Zayn could hear him, “You’ve got some moves!”

He grinned, that real Zayn grin, and leaned into Louis’s ear to say in a low voice, “You too, Dr. Tomlinson. You know, you were right." Louis pulled back and opened his eyes wide in mock surprise, and a laugh escaped Zayn. “No, seriously, why’d I let myself forget how much fun this is!”As Zayn guided Louis through some moves, he held on tight for a moment. “You know, Louis, aesthetically speaking, you are one hell of an attractive guy…”he grinned “Harry’s a bit an idiot, to be honest.”

Louis stared, and then blushed. “I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about, Zayn.”

Zayn just rolled his eyes and gave Louis a knowing look. “Just…don’t judge him too harshly, okay? It’s not been easy for him.” Louis nodded slowly, but couldn’t help thinking, _I don’t think it’s been easy for any of us._

They smiled at each other, and Louis noticed Liam, standing on the edge of the dance floor and watching them closely. Louis waved him over, and said to Zayn, “I think there’s someone else who wants to dance with you." Z looked at Liam, then glanced around, noticing that there were both same and mixed-sex couples, as well as various groups all dancing, and then looked back at Liam. The look in his eyes was pure heat, and Louis fanned himself as he laughingly backed away from them. He turned to move off the floor, and saw Harry over by the bar. There was a woman plastered to him, and he looked slightly panicked. Their eyes met and Harry mouthed, “HELP ME!” pointing at the girl, who was wound around his neck, kissing him on the cheek.

Louis pretended to hesitate and Harry glared at him. Louis laughed, and headed over. When he get close enough, he reached over and unwound the girl’s arms from Harry’s neck and smiled as she whirled around with a fierce look. He tugged her away and said “Sorry, darlin’, he’s not available." He paused, realizing that he could be putting Harry into a compromising situation, but Harry grabbed him around the waist and pulled Louis into him. “Yeah, uh, I didn’t catch your name, but, uh…this is my boyfriend?" Louis turned and stared at him in shock and Harry nudged him, so he decided to play along. The girl was staring, and said, “What? But, I didn’t know you had a boyfriend?! There’s been nothing in the press…” 

Harry said, “Well, it’s new, you know, we’re keeping it quiet.” His hands were possessive on Louis’s waist, and as Louis wrapped his arms back around Harry, Harry started to nibble on his neck. Even though he knew it was just a game, Louis could feel his heart rate pick up. He tilted his head without thinking, to give Harry more access, and remembered that night in his room as Harry bit down a bit more firmly. Louis felt his knees go weak as he gave a soft moan. Harry froze, the girl forgotten as Louis turned around to look at him. Harry was still holding onto Louis, and this put him in unfortunately close proximity to Harry’s body, which seemed to be radiating heat.

They stared at each other, and Louis murmured, “Harry…this is…uh, why don’t we dance?!”Harry quirked an eyebrow and murmured back to him, “Why, Louis…afraid?" Louis glared at him and grabbed his hand as they headed to the dance floor.

Harry immediately placed his hands low on Louis’s hips to pull him against him as they moved to the heavy beat of the music. Louis looked around for Zayn, and saw that he and Liam had somehow ended up in the booth talking to the DJ. The song came to an end, and Louis paused to catch his breath. The next song that came on was slow and sexy, and Harry and Louis stared at each other again. Harry pulled him even closer,and Louis saw him nod and give a thumbs up to Zayn in the booth, and then he wrapped his arms around Louis, who couldn’t help but sink against him, trying not to notice the muscles in his arms or the way his shirt fell open so that Louis was pressed against the hard plane of his chest. Harry moved his hips against Louis’s and he could swear his eyes crossed as his heart started pounding. Harry did it again, and Louis could feel him laughing at his effect on him, so he decided that two could play that game. Louis snuggled in, and rolled his hips against Harry, which stopped his laughter. Louis lightly drew his tongue over the swallows tattooed onto Harry’s collar bones, hearing Harry swear softly. He pulled away and Louis looked up at him, as Harry gazes back. 

“What the hell are we doing?” Louis whispered, as their eyes locked.

Harry answered. “Leaving.”

Harry grabbed Louis’s hand and pulled him from the dance floor, almost at a run. Louis knew that he should be protesting, telling Harry that this was a bad idea. A terrible idea. The worst, most unprofessional idea ever. Somehow though, his treacherous voice stayed silent and he could feel his heart pounding, wondering what was in store. His mentor from BU had suggested that from an ethical standpoint, he was not acting as a therapist so he wasn't bound by those standards, but rather, "common sense, Louis, c'mon. Getting involved with someone you work for is never, ever a good idea."

They came out of the club and Louis vaguely noticed the bouncer giving them an amused smile. Thankfully there were no paparazzi waiting, as Harry pulled him into the alley by the club. His chest was heaving as he stared at Louis, and then suddenly, he was in Harry’s arms, winding his own arms around Harry’s neck as his mouth crashed down on Louis’s. It was like that night in Louis’s room, but knowing they were both sober, awake, and present brought a heat and passion to it unlike anything Louis had ever experienced. It rolled through him like a runaway race horse, and all he could do was hold on for the ride. 

Harry ran his hands through Louis’s hair and he tilted his head up. Louis could feel his tongue press into his mouth as he grabbed Harry’s shoulders. Harry backed him up to the wall of the club, and Louis could feel the throb of the bass in his bones as Harry destroyed him with a kiss. Harry pulled back, and Louis wondered if he looked as wrecked as Harry did, hair a mess, lips swollen, pupils blown open. “Louis. Jesus Christ.”

“I know." They stared at each other for a split second, and then he said “Again,” just as Louis said insistently, “more.”

Harry kissed him again, forcefully, as if he were trying to crawl inside of Louis, and slammed him back against the wall again. His mouth traveled down Louis’s neck and Louis could feel his teeth on his skin, and his heart raced even harder. After a moment, Harry slid his hand up the side of Louis’s leg and lifted it up to wrap around him. Louis felt the hard length of him pressed against his core and against his will could only imagine how little effort it would take to have Harry naked against him. _Now now now_ insisted his mind as he ran his hands down Harry’s back and pulled him closer. Harry’s hand slid up Louis’s leg, around his hip, and grabbed his bum, pulling Louis closer until he’s perfectly aligned to Harry’s cock, the two men grinding together, lost in the moment.

A shout in the distance seemed to shock Harry back to the present time and place. His hand tightened on Louis’s leg as he kissed him a moment longer, and then Harry stopped and shuddered. They stood frozen like that for a moment, as he closed his eyes, pressed his forehead to Louis’s and struggled to catch his breath. As Harry pulled back, Louis realized that it was cold, really cold, and he started to shake. Harry swore briefly and said, “Oh god, I’m so sorry, Louis, I didn’t even think." He eased Louis’s leg back down and they stared at each other for another moment. 

Louis’s teeth were chattering and he said, “My coat…it’s back in the club, with my wallet and stuff.”

Harry looked lost for a moment, and said slowly, “What are we going to do about this?” Just then, a flashbulb went off, and Louis saw a man with a camera standing at the entryway to the alley.

“SHIT” Harry swore, “God DAMN it." He wrapped an arm around Louis as he shivered into Harry’s side, and pulled him back into the club. They headed back to the VIP area, and ran into Niall and Liam as they got there.

Niall raised one eyebrow at their disheveled condition, and said interestedly, “Well well, what HAVE you twobeen doing?”

Louis dropped his eyes, suddenly aware of how very not okay this was. This was his **job**. How could he have let this happen?

Harry said, “Paps are here, we gotta go." He signaled security and the other guys. Someone draped Louis’s coat around him, and he noticed, as they made their way out the door, that the boys were surrounding him, and security around them, as they got into the car and headed back to the hotel. 

When they get to the suite, Harry and Louis stared at each other. The others scattered and left them alone, sensing the awkward tension in the air. It was uncomfortable, and then Louis spoke. “Harry, I’m sorry. What happened at the club, that was…completely unprofessional of me. It can't happen again.”

Harry looked at him for a long moment, shook his head and turned away without a word.

The next morning, when Louis headed out into the living area to make tea, he saw the boys all sitting around, clearly talking seriously. They fell silent, and then all just looked at him. Liam said, “Uh, yeah, well, Haz, we’ll just let you…” they all quickly gathered their things and left, leaving Harry and Louis staring at each other. Harry said heavily, “I have to tell you something.”

Louis looked at him warily, and sat down, holding on to his tea.

“Uh…Louis. That girl from the club. She talked to the press. And the wanker with the camera, in the alley…he got pictures.”

Louis blanched. “Do they…did they…is my name…?" Harry shook his head, understanding. “No, they don’t know who you are. But, in the picture. You can see your hair. It may not stay quiet for long.”

“Let me see them." Louis’s voice was soft, sad. Harry handed him the iPad, and Louis scroll through the article. Headline screaming “HARRY STYLES’ SECRET BOYFRIEND." The pictures were grainy, very, and it was hard to make out what was happening, but you could tell it was Harry, with a man. With Louis. _Thank god that the photographer took the picture after we’d stopped…kissing…_ You could tell that the two men were close together, the intensity was obvious, but there was nothing overtly steamy. Louis’s hands shook as he put down the iPad, and stared at Harry, trying to collect his thoughts. In the distance he could hear Harry saying, “Jesus, Louis, I am so sorry, god damn it, I hate this…Louis? Where are you?”

Louis looked at him blankly, and realized, _I am going to have to tell them_. His name, while not out there now, was most likely going to come out, if not now, then sometime. He was blind to think it wouldn’t; you didn’t have to dig too deep to make the connection. And for Harry, too, being outed like this, if that's what had happened. He voiced his thoughts and Harry looked at him strangely. "Have you really never googled me, Lou?" Louis stared at him blankly. "I think you may be the only person in the world who thought I was straight. I've never confirmed it one or the other, but yeah, me being with a man isn't going to surprise anyone. Is that why you're so upset?"

“Yes. And no." Louis sighed, relieved at least that this wasn't going to devastate Harry or his career. "Harry. I need to talk. To all of you." Harry stared at him for a moment, and then just nodded heavily. “Okay.”

Harry called the boys back, and they told security to sit tight.

Louis looked down at his hands helplessly, and said, “I don’t know where to start.”

The boys were quiet, waiting. They seemed to know that this was not the time for jokes, and Louis could feel, could literally feel the warmth of their love on his skin as they sat, waiting for him to speak.

He took a deep breath. And then he started.

“I never wanted to tell you all this story. Not because I’m ashamed, or anything, I just…it’s hard.” Louis took a deep breath that sounded suspiciously like a sob. “I don’t want you to think I lied to you. I just…” He fought for control, and Zayn slid closer to him, draped an arm around his shoulders, and he breathed deeply.

“Okay. So, I know you all think I grew up in Cambridge. I didn’t. I didn’t move there until I was 14. Before that, we lived in Minneapolis. My father taught history at the University of Minnesota, and my mom was in the music department. We had a house in a nice neighborhood. It was a pretty normal childhood. When I was 14…” his voice stuttered and broke. Here it was. 

“It was July 1, 2001. I was kidnapped by a man named Tom Higgens." He heard a sharp intake, a hiss from one of the boys, a sudden movement towards him that stilled abruptly. Louis looked down, and kept talking.

“I was walking home from the local pool. It was a quiet neighborhood. He was waiting. We learned, later, that he’d been stalking me for a long time, 6 months or more. He had a van. He…he just grabbed me.” Louis closed his eyes and shuddered as he remembered the shock and terror.

Liam said softly, his voice filled with horror, “Oh Lou. Oh love." Zayn had one hand pressed firmly to the back of Louis’s neck, with his thumb gently drawing circles on the nape, just as Louis would do for him during his flashbacks. Louis leaned into him and went on.

“He took me to his house, outside of Minneapolis. Before we got out of the car, he punched me in the face. I’d never been hit before, not like that. I was…dazed. Terrified. Then…he kissed me, and I knew." 

Louis was silent for a moment, knowing that he couldn't stop there. Not for them, and not for himself. It had to be told, all of it. He could see Niall and Liam looking at him with love shining from their faces, and he breathed. He couldn’t look at Harry, not yet.

“He dragged me into his house and into the basement. He’d set up a…place for me. I was tied up. He kept me for…” Louis’d voice quavered, “he kept me hidden there for almost a month. It was, well, you can imagine. He raped me, of course, often, and hurt me. He liked to use his fist. Once, he experimented with a whip." His voice was calmer now, and he was able to detach a bit, to keep the memories from flooding him completely. He finally turned, and looked at Harry for the first time. He’d gone pale. and Louis was not sure what it was he saw in Harry’s eyes. He told the others, “The day of the outing, Harry came into my room and I wasn’t dressed, and…he saw. The scar. I had a some surgery, after, and there is...scarring." He reluctantly pulled away from Zayn’s hand and stood up. He turned his back to them, took a deep breath, and pulled off his shirt. He heard them all gasp, and what sounded like a sob from Niall.

Louis pulled his shirt back on, turned around, and sat down on the couch. He leaned his head back, exhausted, and thought about what to tell next. Zayn asked hesitantly, “How did you get out? Did someone find you?”

Louis shook his head. “No. One day, it was July 26, I found out later, it was so fucking hot. Even the basement was hot. He came in. I think he’d been drinking, drugs maybe. I never found out. He was careless. Usually when he came in, he’d padlock the door shut, before he unlocked me, but he forgot.” Louis shut his eyes and remembered that sudden fierce exhilaration that had poured through him, knowing _this is the moment_ “and I knew, it was now or never. It was escape or die trying.” He met Liam’s shocked gaze. “So, when he raped me, I let him. I asked him if I could….” Louis flushed suddenly. Zayn pressed his hand against Louis’s back, and Louis let himself relax into that for a moment.

“Remember, I was 14 years old. I didn’t know anything about sex but what he’d done to me. I’d figured out quickly what he liked, and that if I did it right, didn’t cry too much, he’d be…not nice, you know, but not so brutal. So I asked him if I could suck his dick. He said yes, of course,” Louis’s voice was scornful now, “and I did. And just as he was about to come…I squeezed his balls as hard as I could. And I bit his dick.”

There was another hiss from the room, and Niall pumped his fist and said fiercely, “Good on ya.”

“Well, he collapsed of course, and I ran. I couldn’t run very far, he’d hurt me so much, but I got out of the basement, out into the yard and into the street. This man driving down the street almost hit me. He saved me. He got out of the car and stared at me. I say, “I’m Luke Austin” and collapsed.”

Harry stood suddenly and moved to Louis’s side as if drawn by a magnet. He collapsed onto the couch, and scooped Louis into his lap, and held on for dear life. He pressed his head to Louis’s back and Louis heard him whispering, “Louis, oh Lou." Harry swalloweda sob and then kissed his back gently and said, “He didn’t save you, Louis, you did.”

Louis stared wonderingly at him, and then looked at the others, and saw the same look on their faces. Pride, love, grief, all mixed together. But there was no pity there, at all. 

“I didn’t want to tell you, because, well…first of all, it sucks.” Niall snorted and nodded, wrapping his hand around Louis’s bicep. “Also, I didn’t want it to change us, because I love us. I didn’t want you to look at me like…a victim. Like I’m someone different. I’m still me, the same me.”

“Wait,” said Zayn, “you told a different name.”

Louis dropped his eyes, and nodded. “That was my name. Luke Austin. You have to understand, when I came back, I was…not the same.” The understatement was ironic. “Luke Austin, the person that I was, died in that basement. I was a mess, physically and emotionally. Guys, after I told that man in the car my name, I didn’t speak for **6 weeks**. When I did start speaking again, I told my parents that I had to change my name. They agreed, and so we did. My grandmother always called me Lukie, so Louis, that was close enough, so that’s the name I took.”

There was a pause, and then Harry asked softly, “What’s the first thing you said?”

Louis stared at him blankly. Harry continued, “The first thing, when you started talking again, do you remember?” 

Louis nodded, and realized that no one had ever asked him that question before. “I said,” He cleared his throat and tried again, “I came downstairs and said, ‘Can I have a cup of tea?’”At this, the boys all started laughing as well as crying, as Louis’s love of tea was well known, and then somehow they were all in a pile on the couch laughing, crying together, and holding each other. And Louis know it was going to be okay.

There was a moment of silence. Then Liam turned to him and said, “Louis, I always knew you were amazing, from the moment I met you, but this…” he shook his head. “I’m in awe of you.”

“Well,” Louis joked, “I am still a work in progress.”

Zayn said softly, “How could you be so patient with me? So caring, and understanding?" 

Louis was baffled and told him so. “What the hell are you talking about, Zayn?”

“Just, after what happened to you, what happened to me seems so…trivial.”

Louis swatted at him impatiently and said firmly, “ **Stop** , just stop it right there. There’s no pain olympics, Zayn, it’s not a competition. What happened to me was awful. What happened to you was awful. There’s no harder, sweetie, only hard. ”

Zayn nodded, and then pulled him into a hug, and nuzzled hishair. Louis closed his eyes with relief, and realized that he had truly come home.

 

Over the next week his relationships with Niall, Liam and Zayn were cemented into the closeness of family. Louis now knew that they would always be in each other’s lives, after the tour.  They were part of him, and he was a part of them. They continued to talk about what had happened to Louis, the aftermath with the trial, and the notoriety he'd experienced, and how even now, sometimes he struggled with being a crowd, especially with any kind of flashbulbs going off.  Niall, Liam, and Zayn seemed to take any excuse to hug Louis, and he felt closer to them than ever. Harry, though, was a different story. Something was going on with him. He looked horrible, the shows hadn’t been gelling as well, and he’d been a snippy bastard. Finally, a week after Louis’s confession, he blew up at Louis when he’d suggested that Harry might not want to eat a pound of bacon for breakfast and maybe Louis should just get him a lard drip instead. “JESUS CHRIST, Louis!STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!”

The entire table was shocked into silence. The anger and hurt in Harry’s voice was real. _And_ , Louis thought, _it has nothing to do with bacon._ Harry dropped his head into his hands, and then said, “I’m sorry, Lou. You didn’t deserve that. I’m such a bastard." He lifted his head, and Louis stared at him, finally seeing the emotion for what it was, anguish, and if he was not mistaken, shame. 

Louis stood up, and pointed a finger at him. “You. Come with me now." He fixed a steely glare on the rest of the table. “You lot. Leave us alone until I text you to help me bury the body or we come back. And don’t eat his bacon." Harry sighed, and stood, and came with him. Louis grabbed him by the hand and marched him out the back exit into a lovely garden. They walked for a few minutes, and then he steered them towards a bench, and they sat.

“Okay, Styles,” Louis said firmly, “Spill it.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been a right twat since I told you about Luke. About me. You were fine until the next morning, and then you lost it. You’ve been bitchy, rude, and just obnoxious." His gaze and his voice softened, as he took in the very real misery etched on Harry’s face. Harry shifted, and then hunched his shoulders and leaned forward. Louis continued, “You’re also not sleeping, you’re not eating well, you’ve barely been outside or the gym, and you’re listening to a lot of Nine Inch Nails. So, come on Styles, you’re a disaster waiting to happen. Talk to me.”

Harry buried his face in his hands, and then whispered something Louis didn’t catch. “What? Louder, love.” The endearment slipped out before he could stop it.

Harry gritted his teeth. “Louis, did I…force you?" Louis’s confusion was clearly written on his face so Harry clarified. “That night. When I’d been drinking, and I came to your room. And then at the club." Louis stared at him as his brain scrambled to make sense of Harry’s words and then it hit him. **He remembered.** Harry nodded as understanding flashed in Louis’s eyes. “I do, Lou, I remember all of it. God, I think about it all the time. It was…” Harry touched Louis’s hand, and took a deep breath. “Amazing. So fucking hot. But now, all I can think is that I forced myself on you. Louis, please…”

Harry stared desperately at him, and Louis stared back. Finally he said, “Harry, is that what you’ve been torturing yourself about?”

“Of course. I couldn’t bear it if I put **anyone** through anything like what you went through, but to have hurt you, especially you, and in that way, I just…it’s killing me, Louis, it’s killing me.”

“So why didn’t you come talk to me? Right away?”

“Because, well…first, you know, it’s sort of awkward, like ‘Hey Louis, can you just clarify if I violated you or not’ and also,” and here he turned beet red. “Thatnight in your room, it’s not actually my best moment. Coming in my pants like a 15 year old. It just seemed easier to pretend like I didn’t remember. I couldn’t tell if you were mad, and it didn’t seem like you were, you know, interested in another go round. Until…at the club." His eyes focused intently on Louis’s.

Louis sighed and then pulled him into a hug, trying to ignore the fluttering in his stomach as Harry’s curls brushed his cheek. He pulled back a bit, and put both hands on Harry’s cheeks. “Harry Edward Styles, you need to stop that thinking right now." Harry dropped his eyes as if he couldn’t face Louis, but his hands came up slowly to grasp his wrists. “No, you didn’t violate me, or force me in any way. In fact, I was the one who hadn't been drinking, you had.”

Harry scoffed. “I was perfectly able to make choice. And, I grabbed you. I **kissed** you, a lot.”

“And I grabbed you back! I kissed you back, you idiot!Did you forget that part??" 

“I pinned you down.”

“Harry, look at me." Harry finally looked into Louis’s eyes, and he put all of the love he felt, that he could never, ever tell Harry, into his eyes. Harry’s eyes widened, and his long fingers tightened around Louis’s wrists. “Harry, don’t you remember? At the gym? If I’d wanted to get you off…” Harry smirked an entirely filthy smirk at Louis and muttered, “Oh, but you did, love." Louis smacked him half-heartedly, so relieved to see that cheeky smile, and continued, “If I’d wanted to get you **off of me** , I could have.

I’m not that vulnerable, love. Everything that happened, happened with my consent." Louis suddenly blushed and looked away, remembering the explosive sparks between them, the feel of Harry’s lips on his neck, and their cocks pressing insistently together.

“The only thing you did do, you miserable bastard,” Louis said firmly, looking back at Harry, “Was leave me completely worked up and frustrated. You didn’t finish the job.”

Harry was looking closely at Louis. “Really?" A slow, smutty smile crossed his face. “ **REally.** Hmmm….”

They continued to look at each other and somehow the moment transformed from warm and connected to a higher level of awareness. Louis could feel the electricity arcing from Harry’s hands to his wrists, and for a moment he let himself imagine those big hands, moving over his body, moving into him. 

“I know what you said afterwards, at the club, and I guess I can see your point, Louis, but it’s not going to stop how I feel about you.”

“Harry…”

“Yes, Louis?”

Louis stopped, and realized that he had no idea what to say. He gave his head a quick shake, and stood up. “Come on, let’s get in there before those lads eat all your bacon.”

Harry snorted and stood up, and once again, the moment was gone. Harry paused, and put one hand on Louis’s shoulder and turned him around. “I truly didn’t do anything wrong? Either of those times? You…wanted that? You wanted…” his voice went quiet and somehow guttural, and shot straight to Louis’s heart (and groin), “me?”

Louis realized that all he could offer Harry was the absolute truth. “More than I’ve ever wanted anything in mylife.”   


Harry’s smile blazed across his face, brighter than the sun. They didn’t say anythingmore, and headed back to the breakfast table, where they found Niall polishing off the last of Harry’s bacon.

Even though, as far as Louis could tell, Harry had agreed to keeping their relationship in line with Louis’s relationship with the other boys, it was clear to him (and, apparently, everyone else) that something had shifted. They spent every spare minute Harry had together, and they were almost always in physical contact. Harry didn’t seem to trust himself to kiss Louis, but held his hand, draped an arm around him, or generally sat as close to Louis as he possibly could.

Thankfully furor over the incident with the photographer had died down. Speculations about Harry's sexuality continued to make the news, but Louis’s name ended up not coming out publicly.

Over the next week, the guys were too busy with shows and their other obligations for Harry and Louis to spend much time together. Harry was just whispering his frustration with the situation to Louis when they were all called into a meeting with management.

“As you know,” Jack said, deliberately not looking at either Harry or Louis, “we’re going to be winding down in the next month, so we’re trying to make plans for everyone. Boys, you’ll have some down time for a couple of weeks after the tour, andthen we’re expecting you’ll be back in the studio in London to finish up recording the next album, yeah?” The guys all hummed agreement and looked bored, but with Jack’s next words, the tension in the room suddenly skyrocketed. “And Louis, your contract is up as of June 30th, yeah?" Louis nodded slowly, suddenly realizing that Harry and he had never once spoken about after the tour. “So, you just need to let me know where you want your plane ticket for?" Louis looked confused, and he said, “after the Dubai shows, you’ll be done. So let me know where you’ll be going, and we’ll get you the ticket." _Am I going to London? Or back to Boston._ Without thinking, Louis looked towards Harry, and for the first time he could remember, Harry doesn’t meet his gaze. Louis took a deep breath and said, “I’m not sure yet, Jack, can I let you know?" Jack nodded, again very carefully not meeting Louis’s or Harry’s eyes, and replied, “I just need to know by the middle of June so we can get you booked.” Louis nodded his understanding, and the meeting was over.

Before Louis could say anything , Harry headed out, alone. He hit the elevator before the rest of them, and was gone.

Over the next couple of weeks, it became clear that something had shifted again, and it was like Harry was already gone. He’d stopped climbing into Louis’s bed to snuggle at night with him, and tended to crash on the couch, or sneak in with Niall. There was no more hand-holding, snuggles, or long conversations after the others had gone to bed.

Louis still had his one-on-ones with the others, but they didn't talk about the elephant in the room. He had caught all of the boys looking at him at times with sad expressions. One night, he got Liam and Zayn to go out alone to a bar, and when they got home, flushed and just a bit drunk, Louis had flung his arms around them both and declared Zayn “cured, well, not CURED because it’s not about being cured, but ready to fly!”They had all laughed and hugged, and he looked up to see Harry standing in the doorway of his room, just watching. They had stared at each other for a moment, and then Harry turned away.

Louis was not sure how much more he could take, and even looked at his contract to see what the consequences were for breaking it early, but they were severe. When he realized that he was thinking about running away, he got angry. And, as anyone who knew him could tell you, that’s when Louis tended to throw caution to the wind, and make…let’s call them, poor life choices.

One evening, one of their last before they headed to Dubai for the final three shows, the boys decided to go out for dinner and drinks in Doha. Louis shooed them off, and claimed exhaustion. He just needed a night without them, as much as he loved them all, _even Harry_ he thought sadly. He just wanted a night to brood. It was rare that he allowed himself to get to this place, but when he did…he sighed. Louis could be a champion brooder.

He decided, what the hell, he was going to go all out. It was a gorgeous night, and they had a beautiful balcony, with double sliders opening out from the common room of the suite. Louis ordered a bottle of champagne from room service. Once it arrived, he had the waiter set the ice bucket and glasses (they automatically brought two, he noted with a sour laugh), out on the balcony. He took a shower, and leaving his hair to air dry, pulled on a pair of silk boxers, turned on music and headed outside. The sun was setting, and he sat out on the balcony, watching the colors fade as he sipped champagne, and looked over pictures from the last 9 months. He was planning on photo books for the boys, and he’d been collecting pictures from them, and some of the tour photographers’, as well as his own. He came across a picture from the night they had gone out the club. From this perspective, the connection between Harry and him was obvious. The way Harry was looking at Louis in this photo made his knees grow weak.

All of a sudden, the dam broke, and Louis set the laptop aside, put his head down to his knees and wept, because it had become painfully clear. He had fallen in love with Harry, and Harry clearly didn't feel the same way. When the end of tour was brought up, and Louis’s hopes and expectations became clear to him, he had fled. And the worst part was, Louis couldn’t blame him. Harry had never made any promises, no sweet lies about the future. No words of love. That none had come from Louis either didn’t escape him. The storm passed, and he sat there, with his legs up, and his cheek resting on his knees. Then he heard the door to the suite open.

He ignored it, hoping that whoever it was would just ignore him back, but that didn’t happen. He heard Harry’s questioning voice, “Louis?”

Louis didn’t turn to face him, staring resolutely out over the city. “Back early? Are the rest of the guys with you?”

Harry hesitated. “Um, no. They all decided to go out drinking, but I…I just wasn’t in the mood.”

“Okay." Louis knew his tone was stiff, awkward, but he couldn’t help it. “ Well, good night.”

Louis heard Harry start to walk away, then he paused, and swore in frustration. He came back to the edge of the balcony and said, “Louis. Please. Can we…talk?”

Louis still wouldn’t look at him. “I’m pretty tired, actually, can we do this tomorrow?”

He could tell Harry heard something in his voice, because he dropped into the chair next to him, turned and tilted Louis’s chin up so his eyes met Harry’s. Harry stared in shock, and then said, “Louis? Are you okay? Were you crying??”

Louis couldn’t help him, and couldn’t answer as he looked into Harry’s green eyes. Tears filled his own again, and then spilled over. Harry looked panicked. “Oh Jesus, Louis, what is it?”

Louis shook his head, and pulled away. “Do you want some champagne? I probably shouldn’t drink the whole bottle.” He tried to laugh, but it sounded too much like a sob.

When Harry stood up, gathered him up in his arms and sat back down, Louis couldn't find it in him to resist. He leaned into Harry, and breathed deeply into his neck. “I guess…I’m a little…melancholy” he lied. “I don’t know why.”

Harry just nodded, and sat with Louis curled up on his lap. As he rubbed Louis’s back, Louis became acutely aware of how little he was actually wearing. He could tell the moment when Harry realized it too, when his hand stilled and he whispered, “Louis…Lou”Louis lifted his head and looked straight at him. The sun was fully set now, and the glow from the city lit up Harry’s face. 

They stared at each other, and like every other time, it left Louis breathless. He closed his eyes, knowing he couldn’t hide the feelings in them, and when he feel Harry’s lips touch his own, he froze. “Harry. What?” He whispered.

Harry laid his forehead against Louis’s in that way that told him that Harry was struggling for control. “I know you want it to be professional, and now, with the tour ending, I promised myself I’d pull back. I can’t hold you back from your life. But Louis, I just. Oh god." Harry touched his lips gently to Louis’s again, and then whispered, “Just tell me to let you go, and I will.”

Louis opened his eyes, and realized that if this were all it could be, he’d rather have memories of one night together, than spend the rest of his life wondering what it might have been like between them. “I can’t do that, Harry." And this time, he was the one who took charge, the one who deepened the kiss between them until they were both gasping for air. Harry’s grip tightened on Louis’s waist, and he could feel the scorching heat of Harry’s hands on his skin.

The music changed to something slow and bluesy, and Louis recognized one of his favorite John Fullbright songs. Harry saw him listening, and then said, “Dance with me?”

He didn’t wait for Louis’s answer, but stood up and deposited him on the ground. He then pulled Louis into an embrace, and they swayed together as John sang. “She knows something about me, She didn’t learn in passing…”As the song continued, their movements slowed, their bodies pressed so closely together that Louis couldn't quite tell where he ended and Harry began. As the song slowed to its beautiful end, and John sang, “She knows something about love…” Harry buried his hands in Louis’s hair, and then said, “Lou, if you want me to stop, tell me now. Please.”

“I don’t want you to stop, Harry.”

He paused and said uncertainly, “How…how long has it been for you?”

Louis knew what he was asking and he smiled a bit and said, “you won’t be the first since…Minneapolis, Harry, if that’s what you’re wondering, but yeah, it’s been, quite some time. It jus never really…clicked for me, and I decided I’d rather stop disappointing my partners..and myself…but…” he pressed his lips to Harry’s, and tried to convey his longing though the kiss. After a moment, they disentangled themselves, both breathless, and then Harry said, “How could you…Jesus, never mind." And he suddenly swept Louis up into his arms, and asked, “Yours or mine, Lou?”

Louis burst out laughing as he wrapped his arms around Harry’s neck and started nibbling his way down to his throat. 

“Jesus Lou, make a choice, quick, or we’re gonna give the lads a shock when they get back.”

“Mine, mine, you’re rooming with Niall,” Louis muttered, turning his attention to Harry’s collarbones. Harry moved towards Louis’s room at a fast pace, and they somehow made through the door without Harry dropping him.

“Shut the door, lock it!” Louis whispered breathlessly and after Harry dropped him on the bed, he complied. There was only a nightlight on in Louis’s room, but he could see Harry’s eyes gleaming as he walked to where Louis was sitting on the edge of the bed. “Are you sure?” he asked one more time, even as he walked towards him, unbuttoning his shirt.

Even though Louis knew Harry couldn’t see him, he still rolled his eyes, at peace with his choice. “Shut up Styles, and get over here." Harry leapt onto the bed, taking Louis down onto his back with him, and Louis laughed breathlessly, as Harry rolled on top of him. He pressed down onto Louis for a moment, and then whispered, “anything you want, don’t want, just tell me Lou, I want to make this…perfect for you.”

Even though Louis was older, he knew that Harry was much more experienced than he in this game, as Harry had shared some of his experiences with Lou during their late night talks, so he just nodded, and pulled Harry down to him so the kiss could reignite. Harry kissed him, and Louis could feel both of their heartbeats begin to accelerate. 

Harry kissed him slowly, thoroughly, and it was unlike any other kiss Louis had ever received, even from Harry. There was passion, definitely, but a sweetness and, such  _joy_ Louis thought, that brought a lump to his throat. The kiss moved from Louis’s mouth down to his neck, and he moved restlessly as he felt Harry biting down on his throat. This sent a jolt of fire from his neck down to his lower body and without thinking, he moved against Harry, again and again, as Harry left his mark on Louis’s body. “Jesus, Lou, stop, you’re gonna have me done before I get started” Harry whispered with a low laugh. 

“Don’t. You. Dare.” Louis said, and ran his hands down the long length of Harry’s back to his ass, which he grasped firmly and pulled tight against him, as Harry lay down between his legs. They were kissing and moving together, and the waves of pleasure Louis was feeling were swamping him. Harry pulled back for a moment and said, “Louis…can I…I want to feel you, all of you.”

Louis caught his breath and then pulled back and sat up. He moved onto his knees as Harry leaned back to watch him in the dim light. Taking a deep breath, he pulled the waistband of his boxes down, kicked them off to the side and dropped them to the floor, leaving him in just his skin. Harry’s eyes widened, and he actually seemed to stop breathing for a moment, and then reached out to run a hand down Louis’s side as he lay down next to him.

“Oh my god, Louis. You are…” his tone was reverent as he stroked Louis’s hip. “You are so fucking beautiful." He stopped for a moment and said, “Would you turn over?”

Louis froze, and stared at him in shock. “What? Harry…why?”  


Harry rubbed Louis’s hip gently as he stared into his eyes. “Because you’re beautiful, Louis, all of you, and I want to see all of you.”

Times paused as they stared at each other, and then Louis give a short nod, and turned slowly onto his stomach, resting his head on his arms, as Harry’s hands ran up and down his back. He waited for the pause, or the sigh, or some indication that Harry was revolted by what he saw, but Harry’s next move undid him. He began kissing the back of Louis’s neck, and then slowly moved down his spine. When he arrived onto the scarred skin, Harry continued to kiss the length of the scars so gently and tenderly that Louis felt his heart stutter and drop. _Oh shit._ Louis tensed up, but Harry just rubbed his back so tenderly that Louis relaxed back down. His kiss moved lower and lower and Louis paused, cleared his throat and said, “Uh, Harry?”

Harry stopped, and moved back up to kiss Louis’s cheek before rolling him onto his side to face him. They stared at each other, and then Harry suddenly plunged forward to take his mouth. They kissed desperately until the chafing of Harry’s jeans on Louis’s thighs reminded him of the difference in their states of dress. They kissed again until Louis pulled away, and said “You are wearing Too. Many. Clothes." He tugged at Harry’s shirt to make his point, and Harry leapt up with more enthusiasm than grace to hastily strip down until he was simply in bare skin, just like Louis. Louis let his eyes travel over Harry greedily, drinking in his gorgeous skin, the tattoos, the hard planes of his chest, the muscles in his legs and arms, and then he dropped back onto the bed next to Louis.

They both paused for a moment, and then Harry gave that wicked grin, and leaned in to whisper in Louis’s ear, “So…”

Louis quirked an eyebrow. “Yes?”

Harry pressed closer to Louis, and Louis could feel the hard length of him pressed against his thigh. “As you might have noticed…I really, REALLY enjoyed touching you…” Harry strokes a hand down Louis’s side, “Seeing you,” Harry’s hand smoothed around to Louis’s lower back, and then lower still until he’s got a firm grasp on Louis’s bum. Louis wriggled, and pressed closer. “Kissing you.” Harry’s voice dropped, and he whispered, “I’d really like to keep doing that, if you’re up for it?”

Louis pulled back a bit, wondering what Harry might be talking about. Harry slowly drew one finger down between Louis’s cheeks and pressed gently, and with a gasp, Louis’s cheeks flamed as he understood what Harry was talking about. 

“Well, I…um, I’ve…never…” his voice stuttered off, and Harry just smiled gently. 

“I’d really love to. Ifyou’re not comfortable, of course, we don't have to, but I’d love it. If you don’t like it, just say so, and I’ll stop, immediately.” 

Louis realized that this might be another one of those moments in his life, where he’d have to take the risk, but the possibilities, they were truly glorious. He flushed at the thought, and then said slowly, “Okay…I trust you, Harry. I really do.”

Harry’s face lit up and he looked almost overwhelmed. Then he carefully rolled Louis over and tucked a pillow under his hips, his large hands soothing as Louis buried his face in the mattress, cheeks flaming.

“Aw, baby,” Harry’s voice rumbled, “Don’t, no need for that. You’re gorgeous, so amazing like this, Lou." He leaned down and began kissing Louis in the small of his back. “God, baby, I can’t believe this. I just…” His kisses moved closer and closer, and Louis felt his stomach jump. He’d watched porn, he knew about this, of course, but he’d never ever trusted anybody enough to let them this close to him, nor had he ever wanted to return the favor, but just thinking about Harry spread out beneath him had his mouth watering. _Jesus Christ._

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Harry came to the curve of Louis’s bum and paused with a reverential moan. “Fuck, Lou, if you could just see yourself…” his voice trailed off, and then he lowered his mouth with purpose, and began slowly, methodically, to take Louis apart.

After only moments, all thoughts of self-consciousness fled, as Louis sank into the amazing sensation as Harry licked and kissed his way down between his cheeks. Harry buried his face in Louis’s arse, licking and sucking as Louis thrust back against the amazing sensation, sobbing out as Harry thrust his tongue into him, again and again. All of a sudden, the sensation burned white hot, and Louis felt himself spilling out onto the sheets, cock untouched, as he cried out his release.

“Oh…oh my fucking….oh my god, HARRY.” After a few moments, Louis felt himself come back to himself, and looked over his shoulder at Harry, who was propped up on Louis’s thighs with quite possibly the most smug expression Louis had ever seen him wear. 

“So…I take it…you liked that?”

Louis rolled onto his back, kicking Harry off of his legs as he avoided the sticky patch in the sheets. Feeling his cheeks flush, he said, “Yeah…that was…it was tolerable.”

Harry gasped in mock outrage. “Tolerable? TOLERABLE?” He leaned over and started tickling Louis, who shrieked and kicked back. 

“Okay, okay! It was…” his voice trailed off, and Harry’s hands stilled as Louis looked at him closely, “That was so beautiful, Harry.” Suddenly, Louis felt awkward in his inexperience. What was he supposed to do now?

As if sensing his unease, Harry slithered up the bed, and wrapped himself around Louis, and whispered, “Just so you know, I’m not done with you yet.” 

Louis grinned and cocked one eyebrow. “Oh really?”

“Yeah…” Harry smiled suddenly soft and sweet and said, “I was really hoping you would fuck me? I mean, I’m versatile, I can go either way, but…yeah, I really…” his fingers traced down Louis’s front, ignoring the sticky mess there as he grasped Louis’s spent cock in his hands, “really…” his fingers began squeezing gently while his thumb rubbed the head of Louis’s cock lightly, “really wanted to get THIS…” with his other hand he grasped Louis’s hand and pulled it down between his legs, so their fingers were pressing against his hole, “right…about…here….” Harry let go and Louis gaped at him for a moment.

“Um…yeah. I can…” he cleared his throat, “I can do that. You might have to give me a minute, Styles, I’m not as young as I used to be.”

At that, Harry slid down the bed, and began kissing Louis’s hips bones, and then worked his way closer and closer to Louis’s cock. “Well, let’s see if a guy can’t help a guy out, huh?”

Louis burst out laughing, and then moaned suddenly as Harry’s mouth engulfed the head of his cock, which gave an interested twitch. Harry grinned around his mouthful, and Louis gave a sudden bark of laughter. He’d had sex before, but never like this, where he felt so much himself, so connected with the other person in the bed. He looked down at Harry’s gorgeous mouth stretched around him, gazed into Harry’s green, green eyes, and lost himself in the sensation.

“There you go, sweetheart,” murmured Harry, “there you go.”

From there, Louis felt like it was a dream. Within an unbelievably short time, Harry had him moaning and thrusting, as hard as if he hadn’t just come like a train wreck. When Harry had gone to grab the lube, Louis had laid a hand on his arm.

“No…” He cleared his throat, “No, let me.”

Within a short time, Louis had carefully opened him up, feeling a bit smug that he’d manage to find Harry’s prostate on the 3rd try. Harry was shaking, digging his heels into the bed as he insisted, “Louis, Jesus, I’m ready, that’s OH MY GOD!” 

Harry leaned over, and grabbed his jeans off the floor, and then reached into the back pocket and pulled out a small foil packet, which he handed to Louis, who raised one eyebrow as he glanced at it. Harry flushed and said, “Well, I just was sort of hopeful…”Louis laughed and grabbed it and said, “Kiss me, you fool.” Harry complied and the fire rose between them.

Louis tore open the packet, and quickly sheathed himself in the latex. He hissed as he carefully slicked up his cock, and then paused, suddenly uncertain.

“How do you want to do this?”

Harry reached up, and kissed him gently. “I wanna see you.”

As Louis pressed in, they both gasped. Louis paused, to give Harry a moment to get used to him. 

“Jesus, Harry, you feel…” he moaned as he moved forward a bit, “oh my god, you’re incredible.” 

“Go, go, I’m okay.” Harry urged him on, and within moment, Louis bottomed out, sheathed all the way in Harry. The feeling was exquisite, and unlike anything Louis had ever imagine possible. It was overwhelming, but so right. _It was love._

Louis thrust again, aiming for Harry’s prostate, and when Harry almost levitated off the bed with a shout, he allowed himself a small, smug grin.

Again and again, he buried himself in Harry’s body, Harry meeting him halfway each and every time. As he got closer and closer, he heard himself begging, “Harry, please, are you close? Are you?”

“Oh God, I’m so….” as Louis slammed in again, Harry arched back and came untouched between them, sobbing his orgasm as he released onto his abs. The feel of Harry spasming around him sent Louis tumbling off the edge after him, groaning his own release into Harry’s mouth.

And in that moment, Louis understood that this may have been the biggest mistake he’d ever made - that this moment may very well have ruined him for all other moments to come it, but he didn’t care.

Harry raised his head and Louis could feel him staring up at him. He opened his eyes long enough to mumble “Holy shit, you’re good at that” and then let them drop closed as he saw a smug grin cross Harry’s face. Louis rolled off of Harry onto his back, and disposed of the condom. He saw Harry stand up, and make his way on shaky legs into the bathroom. He returned with a warm, wet washcloth, and carefully wiped them both down. Harry took a deep breath and cuddled up to Louis, who closed his eyes as it hit him, _oh shit, we’re naked, we just has the most mind-blowing sex of my life, I never even imagined it could be like that, oh shit oh shit oh shit._ Louis felt Harry turn toward him and run his finger down Louis’s worry line, as he called it, between his eyebrows. “Louis…” he whispered. “That was…amazing. The most amazing experience of my life. Please, stop thinking so hard. Just…can I stay? Tonight?”

Louis finally open his eyes and looked at him. “I’ve missed you,” he said softly, and Harry looked stricken. “Please, Harry, stay.”

During the night, Louis whispered to him, “If you asked me to, I think I might give up everything to stay with you.” Harry reached for him again, and it was, if that were even possible, even better than the first time. As Harry moved in Louis, he felt tears running down his face, and Harry kissed them away, even as his own eyes filled and he whispered, “Don’t cry, oh god, please, Lou, don’t cry, don’tcrydon’tcrydon’tcry” and Louis said “Harry,” and then again, “Oh Harry. Hazza.”

In the morning, Harry was gone.

When Louis finally woke up, the sun was streaming in the windows, and when he looked at the clock, he realized that he only had an hour before the car was coming to get them to the airport. He sat up, and then groaned, wondering what the hell he’d done to himself. Then, there was nothing else to do but get up, shower, and finish packing. When he finally come out of his room, the rest of the guys were standing there with their luggage, and he saw Harry’s luggage piled by the door, but Harry was nowhere to be seen. They all gave him a look that he didn’t quite know how to interpret, but then Liam pulled him into a hug. 

Louis quickly gathered the rest of his things, including the docking station and his phone, and did one last sweep to make sure he’d gotten everything. He finally looked up and said hesitantly, “Um, where’s Harry?”

No one met his eyes. Finally Zayn said, “He left earlier. He didn’t say why, just that he needed to go. He…uh, he does this sometimes." Louis shook his head, not quite believing it. And then it hit him. He must have realized that this was a mistake. Louis couldn't think of any other reason that Harry would be so cruel as to leave without a word, other than the fact that in the light of day, he was horrified by what he’d done, what they’d done, so he fled. In that moment, his heart cracked wide open so that he was dizzy with the pain. He looked up blindly and it was so clearly written on his face, and then the boys realized. 

Niall said, “Louis? Are you…okay?”

Zayn whispered, “Of course he’s not. Louis…what happened, love?”

The gentleness in Zayn's voice broke him, and Louis slid down onto the floor. “Last night…” he whispered, beyond embarrassment now, “Harry came back early, and we…”

Liam interrupted awkwardly, “Uh, yeah, we actually…” he looked to the others for support, “we know. We, um, we couldn’t help hearing you guys when we got in.”

Louis looked up in horror, and his face flushed. Oh god, that hadn’t even occurred to him. Zayn sat down next to him, and said, “Oh Lou,” with such gentleness and love, “it’s okay. Why did Harry leave?”

Louis stared back at him as tears filled his eyes. “I don’t know, Z. We didn’t say anything last night. When I woke up, he was gone. I guess…”  He looked down at his hands as tears overflowed down his cheeks, “I guess he decided it was…you know, an error.”

One of the boys sucked in his breath and another muttered, “Jesus, that boneheaded…”Louis shook his head and murmured, “I need to…I need a moment,” and went back into the room that had been his.

He sat on the edge of the bed and realized that he couldn’t do it anymore. He could not pretend that he was not in love with Harry, and Harry clearly couldn’t face the mistake he'd made with Louis. He let the pain wash over him for a moment, and then his resolve stiffened. He’d survived far worse than this, and he would not, could not let it break him.

He walked out to the living room and said to the boys, “I need to go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't seen Ash Beckham's amazing Ted Talk on the closet, definitely check it out! She's the original creator of "there's no harder, only hard."


	3. Part 3

“I need to go home.”

They all protested, but he insisted, and called Jack. Jack clearly heard the note of hysteria in Louis’s voice, and agreed to change his ticket and release him from his contract 4 days early. He called Louis back 15 minutes later, to let him know he had emailed Louis his new flight itinerary, but since the flight was leaving three hours earlier than the one he had been on, he had to get to the airport now. 

They raced down to the lobby and found the driver, and even though he protested, the boys piled into the car with Louis.

The next hour was a whirlwind as Louis got to the airport, got checked in, and printed out his boarding passes. The flight was being called, so the boys walked him through security and to the gate. They all embraced, ignoring the looks from the crowd around them, and Louis realized in shock that it was over. This amazing time with these incredible people, closer to him than family, it was over.He tried to hold back his tears but it was impossible.

The boys all assured him that they would Skype, text, be in touch ALL THE TIME and that there was no way Louis could get rid of them now, and that they would beat some sense into Harry. Louis just hugged them desperately, and reminded them that Amy’s wedding was in 5 weeks, and that they’d all promised to come. They hugged him back and promised they would be there a few days early. Finally, they exchanged kisses, and I love yous, and Louis was walking down the jetway and onto the plane. 

He didn’t look back.

 

**June 2017**

 

Louis slides into his seat in first class, shoves his battered bag under the seat in front of him, and buckles his seat belt. He finally lets himself slump back in his seat, as his head sinks back onto the headrest, and closes his eyes. 

When he arrives at the apartment in Somerville, he’s beyond exhausted. He quickly texts Zayn, Liam, and Niall that he’s safely home, gives Amy and Kendra kisses and tries to soothe their shocked exclamations at how he looks (which is hideous, 28 hours of travel and a broken heart can do that to a man), and stumbles into bed.

The next couple of weeks pass in a haze. It takes him several days to get over his jet lag, and then he’s spending time catching up with friends. Kate, in particular, is concerned until he finally spills the details. Her eyes widen in horror as he explains that last day in South Africa. 

“Wait, he just fucking left? After mind blowing sex? What the hell??”

“I know,” Louis says morosely, too dispirited even to get angry, “I mean, I don't think it was bad sex, it was…it was amazing, Katie, like you can only dream of." He leans his head onto her shoulder and lets himself cry a little. “But, he didn’t feel the same." 

“Has he gotten in touch at all?”

Louis nods, “He sent me a couple of texts, just saying my name, asking if I was there, but I…I didn’t answer. I deserve better than that, Katie, I really do. And, I don’t know, I can’t figure out how I could have been so, so wrong about him. I really thought I knew him, thought we were…” his voice drops, “so good together.”

Katie just shakes her head and draws him into a hug.

Over the next couple of weeks, Louis spends a lot of time thinking. He realizes why Harry’s leaving gutted him the way it has. He comes to understand that he’s kept this part of himself - his sexuality and capacity for intimate love - locked down. It’s the last part of the damage from Tom Higgens. He realizes that even with all the healing he’s done, there’s still a part of him that believes that he’s damaged goods. That no one could love him with the scars he carries. And that Harry, just by being who he is, started to break down that belief. And that when Louis woke up, after being truly intimate with him, and he was gone…well, it just confirmed that belief. 

When Louis shares this with Katie, she just stares at him and then nods. “I can see it. But, I mean, Louis, you know that’s fucked, right? That’s the PTSD?” 

He nods grumpily. She continues, “and you know it’s not true. Any man who can’t see **you** and how amazing you are, inside and outside, including your scars, well…he doesn’t deserve you, love.”

Finally, it’s the week before Amy and Kendra’s wedding. They’re getting married at the Episcopal church in Porter Square, and having their reception at a function hall in Somerville. It was going to be a big wedding as they both have large families, and Louis knew it was going to be beautiful. 

He’d been in very close contact with all of the boys except Harry, and he knew they were flying in a few days before the wedding, and he cannot not wait to see them. Over the time they’d been on tour, the boys had gotten to know Kendra and Amy over Skype and were all looking forward to the time together. Louis has no idea if Harry was still planning on coming or not.

Three nights before the wedding, a bunch of Amy and Kendra’s friends have rented out one of their favorite bars, Toad, in Porter Square. Some of their friends had a band and were going to play, and everyone was going to drink a bit and just have fun together before the wedding festivities. The One Direction guys were going to meet Louis and the others there.

After having spent the last month in a sad daze, Louis decides that it is time to move on. Clearly he is not going to be with Harry, and he needs to make some decisions. Somehow the work he’d done with 1D has gotten out in the industry, and he has bands on the west coast calling him, as well as Alexander Management wanting him to come to London. He has to admit, the idea of starting somewhere new is appealing. The week before he’d made the decision that he wasn’t going to stay in Cambridge. Kendra and Amy and he had worked out the details, and they were going to take over the house. Louis loved them dearly, but living with newlyweds was not going to help him mend his broken heart. He still didn’t know where he was going to go. He knows it’s drastic, but also it feels right.

He decides that it’s time to pull himself together. After a long, luxurious shower, he looks in the mirror with a sigh. He’s lost too much weight, and given his small frame, it shows in his face. He has circles under his eyes. He makes a face at the August heat, and then pulls on a some denim shorts and a scoop neck deep blue tank top that does great things for his eyes. Amy and Kendra stare at him as he comes out of the bedroom. “What??” he asks.

“Err, nothing sweetie!”Amy exclaims, “It’s just, you look better, you know?” She moves in for a quick hug, and Louis can hear the unspoken concern, and relief that he’s taking some care with his appearance, in all that she’s not saying. 

They decide to take a cab to the bar and back, so they don’t have to worry about drinking too much.

When they walk in, the first face Louis sees is Zayn’s. His eyes light up, and he runs towards him as Louis holds out his arms. Zayn hugs him close for a long moment, and then pulls back and looks at him. “Louis, oh jesus." He hugs Louis again, who smiles, a real smile, and then starts laughing for the first time since he’d gotten home, a true laugh, as the other boys swarm around him. He resolutely does not look around for Harry, and the other boys don’t mention him. The guys are crowded around him, hugging and kissing him, telling him he looks hot but too skinny, and they all settle in to the tables they’ve snagged at the front. The band Rejoice for Rock’n’Roll, consisting of friends of Amy and Kendra’s are playing, and Louis lets himself sink in and enjoy their bluesy rock and roll sound. After several songs, Alex, the singer starts talking. 

“Thanks everyone for being here, and it’s a great night, I tell you!  We’re here to celebrate Amy and Kendra’s upcoming nuptials!”  The bar, which is full of their friends, erupts in cheers, and then quiets as Alex holds up a hand and continues, “And we’re here to help a buddy of Amy and Kendra’s out too.” Louis quickly looks at Amy and Kendra, confused, and they just give him innocent stares.

“So,” says Alex, with a big grin, “I’d like to welcome our new friend and guest singer on a couple of songs, Harry Styles.”

Louis feels like he has been punched in the gut. He turns and stares at the guys, who resolutely don’t meet his eyes but just clap and cheer as Harry makes his way from the back of the bar to the stage. Harry looks…Louis stares closely, he actually looks kind of awful. His hair is too long, he has a scruffy beard, circles under his eyes, and Louis can tell he’s lost weight too. He looks, Louis has to admit, as if he’s been suffering. _Good_ says a small, mean voice in his head.

Harry and Alex do one of those guy high-five fist-bump things as Harry takes the mike, and Louis notices people around him pulling out their cell phones to start filming as they realize who he is. He hears a guy behind him saying in bewilderment, “wait, isn’t he that pop star? What the hell is he doing at Toad?"  

Harry clears his throat and says, “Someone…someone very important to me introduced me to this American singer-songwriter named John Fullbright. When I got in touch with John, he was kind enough to give me permission to cover a few of his songs. Tonight, I’d like to do one of his songs, and then we’ve got a new song to share with you." His eyes are locked on Louis’s as Justin, the keyboardist starts playing. Harry opens his mouth, and began singing. 

 

> Ever changing, Ever moving  
>  Ever finding, Ever losing  
>  Every moment of our choosing bears a cost  
>  As for lonely, I can show you  
>  How to live a life alone  
>  All it takes is getting used to getting lost
> 
> Some are lovers, some are leeches  
>  Some are flings on sandy beaches  
>  Some are silent till the chances are all gone  
>  The Queen of Hearts dreams a lover  
>  From that cold, cold King above her  
>  While the Joker makes his bed up all alone
> 
> But don’t I feel like something when you’re here  
>  Don’t I feel my lungs losing air  
>  Don’t I feel like I can show you  
>  I’m the one that you can go to  
>  When you need another heartbeat near  
>  Don’t I feel like something when you’re here

Damn it. His voice is rough, full of pain, and he doesn’t take his eyes from Louis’s. Louis can’t tell, though, what the hell message he’s supposed to take from this is. He still can’t believe Harry’s even here. Clearly a lot of thought and practice has gone into this performance and he wonders when that all happened. _How long has he been here?_  

 

> In my heart stands a scarecrow  
>  If he’s hurt he doesn’t say so  
>  And he chases everything he loves away  
>  But at night when its colder  
>  There’s a bluebird on his shoulder  
>  And he whispers that he’ll hold her one bright day

Louis can’t stand this, hearing Harry sing this song to him, remembers a lazy afternoon listening to it with him, as the rain spattered on the windows of the hotel room.

This just isn't fair. Louis doesn’t know what to do with all that he’s feeling. Katie is sitting behind him, and reaches over to put her hand on his shoulder. He clutches at it as Harry finishes the song.

 

> Don’t I feel like something when you’re here  
>  Don’t I feel my lungs losing air  
>  Don’t I feel like I can show you  
>  I’m the one you can go to  
>  When you need another heartbeat near  
>  Don’t I feel like something when you’re here.

Louis’s heart breaks in his chest as Harry finishes, and he thinks, _I just can’t be here. I can’t do this_. He stands up to leave, and sees Harry looking at him, stricken. Before he can escape though, Harry steps forward and holds one hand out to him pleadingly, “Louis, please. Please don’t go." The bar is quiet, and all eyes are on Louis as Harry’s voice cracks. He swallows as he pulls himself under control. “Please, Jesus, just…just listen to the next song, okay?” Louis can barely see Harry though his swimming eyes as Harry turns back to the mike. Louis stands, frozen, and then sees the rest of the band head up to stand behind him. He slowly sinks back down and Harry says into the mike, “This is our newest song, called ‘The Best of Me.’ I hope you like it." He begins to sing:  

 

> You told me if I’d asked you  
>  That you would gladly stay  
>  But I just stood in silence  
>  And I let you walk away
> 
> I know you didn’t look back  
>  As you got on that plane  
>  ‘Cause I watched every step you took  
>  But I didn’t call your name

The boys join in, in their beautiful harmony, as they move into the chorus, with a rocky, almost country beat:

 

> You looked at me and saw the best,  
>  You saw the rest and loved that too  
>  So baby if you’ll let me  
>  I’ll give my best to you.
> 
> It took the words of a wise friend [Louis notices Niall smirk at this line]  
>  To help me understand  
>  I was a fool to let you go  
>  Now I’m alone again. 
> 
> You looked at me and saw the best,  
>  You saw the rest and loved that too  
>  So darlin’ if you’ll let me  
>  I’ll give my best to you.
> 
> I didn’t understand much then  
>  But now I finally do  
>  That I can’t be the best of me  
>  If I can’t be with you
> 
> Our foolish hearts may run in fear  
>  Our pride gets in the way  
>  But I’ll get down on my knees and beg  
>  If you’ll just say you’ll stay
> 
>  You looked at me and saw the best,  
>  You saw the rest and loved that too  
>  So baby if you’ll let me  
>  I’ll give my best to you.
> 
> Please tell me you’ll forgive me  
>  Let me give my best to you.

 Their voices hold the final note, and the bar erupts into cheers. Harry stares at Louis as he stands back up.

Harry jumps of the small stage and pushes his way over to Louis. He stares at him and then whispers, “Louis. Jesus. I just…” he reaches out to touch Louis’s face, who involuntarily flinches away from him. Harry looks stricken. Louis still can’t find any words to say. “Louis, I am so sorry. I know that the words aren’t enough, but I have to know, is there any chance?”

Louis finally finds his voice and says “Harry. You broke my heart." He can’t even cry, he just feels wrung out. He realizes all of a sudden that the people around them are watching with interest, and many are still filming. He closes his eyes and says “I can’t do this here, okay?” He takes a breath to tell Harry that he’s sorry, it’s all over, that he can’t ever trust him again, but when he opens his eyes and meets Harry’s gaze, he realizes that he can’t do it. “Shit,” he mutters in frustration, and Harry sees something in his face that causes a smile to start to spread over his own. He leans in whispers, “You can’t say it, can you. You can’t say no.”

Louis glares at him and then. Harry kisses him. As always, the desire is immediate between them, but then, Louis thinks, _that was never the issue_. He pulls back and saysforcefully, “That’s not fucking fair, Styles. You don’t get to just waltz over to America and think your fucking gorgeous love song changes **anything**. You can’t just kiss me, even like that, and think it fixes things." His eyes widen as he realizes that he’s said the word they’ve both been avoiding. Harry nods, and brings his hand to Louis’s face, pressing his forehead to Louis’s in that way that he does, and Louis sadly realizes that underneath the anger and hurt, his love for Harry is as strong as ever.

“I know,” Harry whispers in a broken voice, “I’m an idiot. But when you left…”Louis shoves him back and stares it him in outrage.He knows he’s shouting now, and that this is going to be all over YouTube in about 10 minutes, but he can’t help himself. “When **I** left?? YOU’RE THE ONE WHO LEFT, HARRY.”

He turns, squeezes Amy’s shoulder as she looks at him and mouths “Are you okay?" He nods, and says quickly, “Love you guys. I’m sorry about…the drama. I’m gonna go.”

He glances briefly at Harry who is standing there, stunned, and walks out of the club.

He’s halfway down the block, not even realizing where he’s headed, when he hears Harry shouting after him, “Louis. Louis!JESUS CHRIST, Louis, just give me a chance.”

Some drunk guys walking past start calling out to Louis too. “Yeah, Louis, give the guy a chance. C’mon, Louis." One of them says, “Hey, if you won’t give him a chance, you could give me a chance!”At that point Harry has caught up to Louis, and fixes a glare on at the drunk guy which has him holding his hands up in surrender and saying, “Sorry dude, but you can’t blame a guy for trying." Harry nods, Louis glares at all of them, and then the ridiculousness of the situation gets to him, and he starts to laugh. 

“Bummer,” the guys mutters as the group passes them by and heads to Harvard Square, “Guess he is gonna give that tall dude a chance.”

Harry and Louis stand staring at each other awkwardly, and then Harry says, “Please, can we talk? I need to explain.  

Louis bites his lip as he thinks. He finally says, “You’re right, we do need to talk, but…honestly, it’s late, and I’m exhausted. Could we do this tomorrow? I need to get some sleep." Harry sighs in disappointment but nods. 

“Yeah, sure. Just…please…promise me you’ll listen, you’ll give me a chance?”

More than anything Louis wants to wipe the sadness off of Harry’s face, to make promises, to fall into his arms, his bed, anything to be with him again. There’s too much unsaid between them though, so he just looks at Harry and says, “I promise I’ll listen.” Then he waves down a cab and heads for home.

The next day, he agrees to meet Harry to take a walk and talk. They meet up in Harvard Square, and Louis directs them down JFK Street to the river, and they wander down to the pathway beside the river and start walking. They’ve said almost nothing since Harry greeted Louis with a hug and a sigh of relief, murmuring into his hair, “you came, thank you.”

Louis finally breaks the silence. “What happened, Harry? That last night, when we…” he swallows, “when we made love.”

Harry sighs. “That night was…it was amazing, Louis, you have to believe me. It’s never ever been like that for me. You know I haven’tbeen with anywhere near the number of girls the media would have you think, or that many guys, though there have been some. I told you, I’ve known I wasn’t straight since I was 14. Our team, they convinced me when I was 18 that my being gay would destroy the band, and I guess I just…I figured I’d have time for that after things quieted down, but they just never did. 

Then I met you, and it’s never…” his voice trails off, and then he says, “You just destroyed me. And it scared the shit out of me. I’ve never been in love before, Louis." He stops and turns to Louis, whose heart stutters at his words. They hang between them, and Louis stays quiet. “And all I could think was…Jesus, what did I do to deserve this, deserve you?”

Louis reaches up and touches his face and says softly, “You don’t have to do anything to deserve my love, Harry, all you have to do is be you. And accept it.”

“But here’s the thing, you’re…you’re amazing, you’re so smart, you’re gorgeous, you’ve got a fucking doctorate, and…”Harry runs a hand through his curls and Louis laughs a little at the disarray. “You’ve got a whole life here, and all I could think was, I’ve got nothing to offer you but paparazzi and a life on the road. When they asked you where you wanted your ticket for, I saw you look at me, and that’s when it hit me, that I was asking you to give all that up for me, I don’t even have a degree, I have no idea how long of a career I’m even going to have, and I just…I couldn’t ask that of you. So I tried to distance myself, to convince myself I wasn’t in love with you, that you weren’t in love with me. And then that night, we made love, and I heard you. I wasn’t asleep and I heard you say that you would have stayed if I asked you, and I just…all of a sudden it was too much, I couldn’t breathe.” 

Hearing all this, Louis gets mad. “The thing is, Styles, it wasn’t your fucking choice, was it?" Harry stares at him. “You didn’t even ask me what I wanted, you just assumed you knew what was right for me. “

“I know, and when I saw you walk away…”

“What are you talking about?”

“I left your room, freaked out, packed all my stuff up and then took off. I just went walking, I texted the boys saying ‘I’m out of here.’When I got back, and your things were gone, and **you** were gone, I realized…they thought I’d taken off, changed my plans, I’ve done that in the past. So I drove to the airport, and I was there when you were saying goodbye to the boys, and I realized…you thought I’d left you, and you were really going to leave without trying to find me. I just didn’t know what to do. I’m not like you, Louis, I don’t have a Ph.D. in feelings, and I got scared. It hurt, that you just gave up, without even fighting for me.”

Louis listens and realizes that neither of them has done a good job of actually telling the other what was going on with them. “I guess I can understand” he finally concedes. “You’re right. I figured when you were gone, that…you has decided that it was a mistake, that **I** was a mistake.”

Harry grabs his hand, “No, Louis, I never, ever, thought you were a mistake, or that we were a mistake. I thought **I** was **your** mistake.”

“There’s more,” Louis says softly. “Can we sit down?” They drop onto a nearby bench and he stares out at the river. “I’ve been thinking a lot. About after I came back, you know, before?" Louis looks at Harry, who nods, catching his breath. “I did so much work to rebuild myself, I had to start from the ground up. And I did a good job." Louis looks down. “For the most part, I really like who I am now. But there’s one big part of life that I just…I never did that work, Harry. Because I never met anyone who made me want to. Untilyou. And when you left, I fell back into that place of feeling like I’m…damaged. Broken." 

Harry glares at him. “That is SUCH BULLSHIT, Louis." Somehow, his irritation gets through to Louis in a way that support and gentleness might not have. “You’re no more damaged or broken than any of us, probably a hell of a lot less than most. Who you are is fucking amazing, in every fucking way, and if you can’t see that…well, maybe you’re not as smart as I thought.”

Louis glares right back at him, and says, “well, right or wrong, that’s how I felt, and I figured that’s how you felt.”

Harry calms down and stares intently at him. “Louis, I know that I can’t ever really understand what you went through, what that was like for you, and knowing how much pain you’ve had, it…” his voice cracks and breaks, and he says roughly, swiping a hand over his eyes, “it fucking kills me, and I’d do anything to protect you from that. But what happened to you in that basement…” he struggles to find the words, “and what happened between us, they’re not the same thing, Louis. You can see that, can’t you? Maybe it helped form who you are, today, maybe it’s even the heart of it in some ways, but you’re so much more than that. You even told me so. And he can only damage your love and your sexuality if you let him, and I think you’re way too fucking stubborn to do that.”

Louis lets out the breath he didn’t even realize he was holding as he considers Harry’s words. He finally confesses, “With you, Harry, that was the first time I was ever all alone in the bed with another person like that. Every other time, he’d intrude, he’d be there somehow but with you, you brought me all the way into the here and now. You made him disappear.”

They are both silent for a moment, and then as one, turn to look out at the water again. Harry looks sideways at Louis, and then carefully wraps his arm around his shoulders and pulls Louis into him. “What now, Louis?” he asks carefully. “I know I’ve screwed this up, and I hurt you, and I’d give anything to go back and do it differently. You, you have no idea how much you mean to me, how much you’ve changed me.”

Louis grins and asks, “Is this the ‘you make me want to be a better man’ speech?”

Harry’s laugh shoots out of him, and he rolls his eyes at Louis. “No, actually, it’s the ‘I was really pretty happy with who I was until you blew all my walls down and showed me how much more there could be in life.’You didn’t make me want to be better, Louis, you just did it. You made me better, and I want that back. I want who I am with you back.”

Louis leans into him and feel Harry sigh in relief as he presses a kiss to the top of Louis’s head. “Harry…what exactly are you asking me?”

“I don’t know, Louis, I know you have a life here in Boston, and I’m all over the place, but I love you, so much, and I just know we can find a way to make it work.”

“Yeah,” Louis says cautiously, “About that life here…”Harry looks intently at him. “I don’t really, anymore. Not so much.”

“What the hell are you saying?”

Louis looks down at his hands and says, “I’m moving out of my house. Amy and Kendra are taking over as landlords and going to assume the mortgage. For now, they’re signing a lease, but we’re talking about options for them to buy me out.” 

Harry stares at him, and then says slowly, “So, when is this happening? Where are you going?”

Louis shrugs. “They’re going to be gone on their honeymoon for two weeks, so during that time, I’m going to pack up and move out all the things I want to keep, honestly there’s not a ton. They’re going to keep all the furniture for now. So, when they get back, I’ll be out of there. As to where I’m going…” his voice drops, “I really don’t know. I’ve gotten some calls from bands in LA, management companies, that sort of thing. And,” he take a deep breath. “Alexander wants me to come to London." 

Louis doesn’t miss the way Harry’s face lights up, but he only says, “What are you thinking about doing?”

Louis pauses, and realizes, this is it. This is the moment. For a split second he remembers back to that moment when he had realized that Tom had forgotten to lock the door behind him, and that fierce determination, that flash of courage, to save his own life, or die trying. This feels almost like that moment. He realizes that he has to be willing to risk himself in order to grab hold of what he wants, and what he wants is sitting right next to him, looking at him carefully. 

He has to be brave.

“I guess that depends a bit on you, Harry.”

Harry closes his eyes for a moment, and takes a deep breath. When they open, they’re filled with tears and he stares at Louis. “What do you mean, Lou?”

Louis smiles, and all the love he feels, the forgiveness that’s filling him up, he thinks it must be shining forth from his face as he reaches up and lay his hand on Harry’s cheek. He takes a deep breath and says, “if you want to be with me, if you love me like I love you, then I’ll come to London." 

Harry leans down and pulls Louis against him. “I love you, Lou, I have pretty much from the first moment I saw you. Come to London, come be with me." And then he kisses Louis until he’s breathless, and as Louis leans back to get more air, he looks at Harry and says, 

“Yes.”


End file.
